Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Relapse

21  silly bandz all in a row twisting around each other on this
all-too-small wrist
& hiding the truth underneath them,
5 perfectly straight red lines,
proof that the blade has found my wrist once again.
I'm so sorry I've relapsed.
1 week of freedom & laughter,
blow away in one moment of pain & sadness
that was all too real to control
& here I am sitting in this lone stall
experiencing a reunion of blade on flesh
& blood spilling the truth.
I can't believe that I was so weak.

3 cuts placed on a shoulder,
all jagged & perfectly placed
to look as if they were an accidental
"meeting with a tree"
when really they were a small silver blade
dragged across my skin.
Cutting is a barbaric artform.

And all of this pain & suffering
was brought about by only one rude comment
that nobody realized would have such and impact
on this broken girl,
trying so hard to recover from this adiction,
on my own...

I'm so sorry I relapsed.
___________________________________________
i wrote this a few days after i started cutting again and put it on the writing site that i use (YWP-a site for kids in the part of the US i live in) which my close friend who happens to be a christian is on and she knows who i am and so i put this on to kinda show her that the whole "God" thing isn't working out for me and everything is getting worse because of it. soooo ya...

about camp.
it was interesting i had a lot of fun for the first 2 days and then this girl on my team made this really rude comment that i didn't hear that made some girls start laughing and i knew it was about me and this other girl called me a bitch to my face and said she was sorry but it still hurt and so i slipped away at night and cut myself with the razor blade that i had brought with me to camp. so i wasn't able to complete the challenge even though i made it a whole 4 days without cutting, only 3 days away from a whole week. i'm so pissed. and i know that i probably will never be able to make it a week again for a long time cause school starts tomorrow and i'm going to be a sophomore and my sisters are going to be in 3rd(Abi) and 6th(Bri) grade. they are both moving schools (Bri is going to middle school and Abi is moving from the elementary school to the "intermediate" school) and i have cross country where half the team hates me and then my dad is going to pressure me to get all A's again and if i get so much as a B he is going to blow at me and i know i'll go cut (he wonders why i never talk about the grades i got on homework or tests/quizzes-not like i get bad grades, but when i get anything below a 98 my dad flips and i mostly get 90-95s and that's not good enough for him)

ya, so school starts up tomorrow and so i probably won't be posting as much (but i will try my hardest) and most of my posts will probably just be my writing and no actual blogs about how life is going (again, i will try  my hardest to do this though)

wish me luck in school tomorrow and i will keep trying to complete my challenge of going a week without cutting (though i know that it is going to be almost impossible) :(

~LITW

PS- i'm thinking of changing my name on here to Ti-Jay (or Tee-Jay), what do you think/ which one do you like better??

4 comments:

Feather said...

Try. Try not to cut. Your name is your name .

Anonymous said...

hey,i know what it feels like.it's hard to get through,i'm still going through it.i use silly bandz and hairties to cover my wrist and i cut on the shoulder too.i understand the relapse thing too though,i can go for a month without cutting and then it all slips away.try to be strong though,i know you can get through this

LostInThisWorld said...

anonymous-wow i hide it under silly bandz and hairties and do it on my shoulder too!! wow this is too weird

Anonymous said...

yeah,that is pretty weird.i thought i was one of the only ones who cut on my shoulder,not that that is a good thing.maybe using those things and cutting there are pretty common,a bad common of course.i'll be prayin that we both can make it through this n stop cutting