Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Embrace of Who I Am

I am
(or was)
I am am homosexual,
so does that make me afraid
of myself?
I used to look at guys
and wonder why I never
found them appealing,
even when the hormones kicked in,
and spent whole nights denying
that when a beautiful girl
brushed against me
I got shivers and my heart skipped a beat.
I spent days and weeks and months
convincing myself that I
wasn't who I am
(a lesbian)
and I would cut myself
for punishment because this
attraction isn't right,
it's sinful.
But when I stopped
believing in God and accepted
who I am,
the cutting stopped
and I embraced the truth;
This homophob is a lesbian.
Life is hilarious, isn't it?
yes this poem is true...
to an extent.
the cutting hasn't stopped (it did and then there was this whole thing with youth group and a lady there -very nice- who yelled at me for not believing in God, long story and so i started cutting again)
but i am a lesbian. i guess this is kinda my "coming out" except you don't live around me or have met me in person and it is online so i don't know if it counts or not... 
i'm too afraid to tell my parents because my dad has been pissed off a lot lately (he almost kicked me out again and he did leave a small bruise where he grabbed me and shoved me against a wall, he did say sorry though, so its all good) 
i finally have accepted it though, for the last year or so i have been denying it, but now i believe that i am ready to face the truth that i am lesbian (or maybe bi, not sure, but i am defiantly not straight i can say that much)

and that is what has been going on with me the last week or so. 

i'm thinking of getting music on this blog, what do you think??


1 comment:

Feather said...

yay! Sorry it's a bit twisted of me to be excited about you being a lesbian, or bi, but i am. Sticking to the theme of my last blog, i LOVE individuality! And admitting to yourself that you are a lesbian is a part of finding yourself. Finding yourself allows you to take a part in the lives of those who live OUTSIDE of this world. Gee that didn't make sense. Well i'll explain in my next blog, how about that? And music sounds sweet. I did have music on my blog but stupid licencing laws disallowed me to keep using it as an aussie. Yet to find and international one, but we'll see. Love love xx