Sunday, November 9, 2014

Life

So, its been awhile (as it usually is between my posts) and I have a bit of venting that I need to do.  This isn't going to be a poetry post today, this is going to be a post where I just let everything out because maybe it will help this feeling in my stomach like I've got nothing.

I've never been so happy in my entire life, but I've also never been so depressed or anxious about everything either. I don't know how this is even a thing, but I need to figure it out soon or I might just explode and all of my secrets and lies are going to spill out over everything.  I got involved with the Quidditch team at my college and I never thought I'd find a sport (or a team for that matter) that would feel so right, feel like a second family, feel so comforting and okay.  It is so freaking wonderful and sometimes I'm terrified that its all going to end suddenly and I won't have anything anymore to keep me going as the rest of my life is spiraling out of control.  And while my team is wonderful and I love the sport, it isn't perfect.  There are days where I feel so ignored and lost, like nobody really cares if I'm there or not and I try to tell myself its just my brain being stupid, but that doesn't really help much.  I work my butt off for this team, I refuse to miss practice and I practice hard even when I feel like puking or passing out - god damn it I went to practice the afternoon after I had spent the previous night in the ER for 3 hours.  I'm dedicated and I give my all, but its like nobody ever notices.  So I keep pushing and I keep working hard in the hopes that someday, someone will look at me and say I did a good job and they will acknowledge my hard work and effort in front of the entire team.  My whole life I've been a disappointment and now I work so hard to not be, but I feel like one anyway.  And its starting to make it hard to go to class, to pay attention, to do my homework, to actually try.  I can feel the depression sitting in the back of my mind like a monster I can't scare away and my anxiety is getting to the point where I can't eat anymore because I feel sick all of the time.  Its like something is tugging at the back of my throat, blocking it from accepting any food and when I can get food down it feels like it is going to come back up as soon as it reaches my stomach.  I'm just trying to figure everything out right now, there is so much going on in my life with my family and with my roommate that I just feel like exploding.  I really hope that nothing more gets added to my load right now because then I'm afraid that I'll take it all out on my team and alienate myself from them and shut down like I always do.  Then I won't have anything because I don't think I'll ever be able to open up to them fully and explain things so that they don't hate me.  I'd feel like I was making excuses for myself.  Its not their fault I'm messed up inside, I should be able to hide it and keep it out of other aspects of my life.

Ugh, life can get so hard sometimes, but I always keep fighting. Hopefully someday things will lighten up and I'll get better.

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