Thursday, December 18, 2014

Depression, Anxiety, and Quidditch

I just noticed that I've been actually keeping up with this blog more than I ever have during this last semester.  I'm pretty sure its because everything in my life is coming to a climax at the same time and I have literally no living person that I can discuss everything with.  It's also been really calming to get my thoughts down, even though the idea of someone I actually know finding this blog terrifies me a little bit inside.  I have mixed feelings about it to be honest - on one hand I wouldn't want them to know how messed up I really am, but on the other hand then they would know that I'm not okay and I've been overthinking literally everything and while I am really happy with my Quidditch team I am also extremely stressed out and my anxiety and depression have been super bad.  To be honest though, if someone did find this blog and then confront me about it I would definitely deny it and depending on the person they would probably believe me.  If it is anyone at school though they would know it was me, even though I don't use my real name on here because of the Quidditch situation that I've talked about.  Ugh, life with a personal blog is so stressful.  I have hinted that I have a blog though and I mentioned once how I would die if anyone on my team found it to a fellow team member (whom I also happen to be a little in love with).  I've also tweeted about it once or twice, but I don't think anyone has noticed.  A part of me really wants this to be found because then all of my explaining will have been done for me and I won't have to explain anything or talk about anything, but at the same time I do have this inherent fear of people finding out that I'm depressed and have high anxiety and may possibly be bipolar like some of my family members.  Which makes me realize that I haven't really mentioned anything about what is going on in my family right now because I've been so focused on this Quidditch stuff (which still hasn't been fully resolved and it keeps me up at night because I'm pretty sure one of my captains is still hurt by some of the things that I said and I'm also pretty sure he misinterpreted my message in the first place and what I was trying to say because when I'm upset I have a hard time communicating).  It really sucks that on top of everything that happened about three weeks ago (I can't believe its been that long already), there is a lot going on with my family right now which makes all of this even harder to deal with.  I'm not really going to talk about it much right now, but I've got a lot of stuff with my grandfather having Parkinson's Disease which is getting worse and my uncle who has cancer and we find out in April if its gone and if it isn't he won't have much longer to live and then my dad's sister who is a drug addict and causing a bunch of family drama and my poor cousin who lives with her and has to have an unfit mother taking care of her and other stuff that I don't really talk about with my older cousin - I'm an emotional wreck.  Dealing with everything I've been dealing with is hard enough for a normal person, add the depression and anxiety and I'm honestly surprised I haven't killed myself yet.

Why must I go through all of these trials? Why can't someone with a normal, functioning brain go through them instead?  What purpose is there for me to go through this if I already have issues with my brain not working right and overthinking and being unable to sleep or eat for long periods of time?

Why me?

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