Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Distancing From Them

When everything happened a few weeks ago I distanced myself from my team for a few days because I didn't want to get angry at everyone even though I was hurt and wanted everyone to know it.  It felt like a good idea, but now things feel different and I think that I alienated myself from them.  So what is my solution?  To stop talking to them altogether.  I may wish them all a happy Christmas on Thursday, but other than that I'm not going to talk to them until I have to when I get back in January.  I'm still hurting and things are getting really bad for me mentally and I need a break.  I just want to apologize to everyone and make things like they once were, but I don't think that is going to happen so I might as well just break myself away from them and distance myself more.  I can't keep relying on these people that I would jump in front of a bullet for, but wouldn't do the same for me.  When I get back after break I'm going to spend more time alone in the library or at my dorm and less time with them because this isn't healthy, how hurt I am right now and I don't know how to handle hurting this much so it is making things bad for everyone around me.  My sister got mad at me today for being in such a bad mood all of the time and how I'm always separating myself from the family and not spending any time with them - I'm home and I need to really be home mentally.  I have to push everything out and be here with my sisters and my parents and my extended family to celebrate Christmas and try my best to be happy (or at least fake it so its believable).

I'm getting so tired, I wish there was just a magical way to fix all of this.

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