Friday, December 5, 2014

Done Messed Up (Again)

So I have these moments when I do things completely irrationally and then end up getting myself into awkward (and usually really painful) situations, this last week sure has been an example of that. I let myself do things without thinking and now someone that I really respected might have just had enough of me. I didn't handle things right and a part of me wants to just apologize and say that I know I was wrong, that I know I handled the situation in the worst way possible and I shouldn't have dragged in the people that I did. Sometimes I wonder about my actions and I wish I could just not make stupid choices that later bite me in the butt -- HARD. There is no way that I can excuse my actions and, unfortunately, I have an idea as to why things happen like this all of the time which would explain a lot, but I wouldn't want to ever use as an excuse. So I just won't ever talk about it. But I do feel like I should shoot a message to the two people who I got involved who didn't need to be and apologize, we kind of talked a bit via Facebook and decided to leave this behind us and move on, but I just have this overwhelming need to tell them that I truly am sorry and I acted irrationally and brought them into a situation that they didn't need to be brought into. I don't want to be annoying about it or anything like that, I just need (for my own mental sake) to tell them that I'm sorry because I don't want them to think I'm going to cause drama or honestly expected them to get involved. I was being pushed to do and say things that I didn't feel right doing and saying by two people who had a problem with these guys to begin with, next time I really need to get advice from a separate party who isn't emotionally involved. I feel literally so bad I don't even know how to express it, I can't stop thinking about how badly I really feel about this whole situation. I don't want to bring it back up or talk about it anymore at the same time that I just feel this overwhelming need to say sorry. I was downright awful and mean on twitter and I have a feeling that one of them knew I was talking about him. I've since deleted the tweets, but I just need to know when I leave that this is truly behind us and the three(ish) weeks of winter break won't be spent stewing and letting things build up. I break things and then have an overwhelming urge to fix them because I always feel so pressured to keep things together, I feel like I ruin so many things. 

God, I feel so bad. I just want to be able to say sorry over and over and over again. 

No comments: