Monday, December 22, 2014

Frustrated to be Alive

I'm in probably the worst spot I've ever been right now and it isn't good (obviously).  I really wish that someone, anyone, read this blog so that there was a person out there in the world who would know what is going on.  I don't know how much writing all of this down is helping, or if it is even helping at all, but I keep blogging because I think a small part of me hopes that someone I know finds this blog and reads what is going through my head right now and knows how bad things have gotten. It isn't like I can talk about the head space that I'm in right now because the last time that I reached out to someone it backfired and they didn't really give a crap even though they said that they do.  The hardest part is that they said they care and they showed it a month or so ago, but in the last few weeks it is like everything has changed.  I honestly feel like they don't really care because they haven't been showing it to me and I feel like our relationship is strained after everything.  I'm at the point where I don't know if I should talk to them about it or just let it go because I don't know if it is even worth trying to fix, but at the same time I really prized our relationship and I really want it to go back to what it once was.  They are sidestepping everything I do to act like things are the same though and a part of me wonders if they are hurt or something because I know I said some hurtful things on twitter even though it was vague and not really directed at them, just kind of an in general sort of thing.  I really wish that we'd had the conversation about how I felt with everything in person and not on Facebook because it just made everything confusing because I couldn't really express how I felt that well and I know they misunderstood.  I also still feel a little hurt that I asked both of them to talk in person and they said they didn't have time, but then were going out to basketball and futsol games and I felt so ignored.  They couldn't even make time for me.  I know I get attached to people too easily, but I really thought that they might be true friends.  Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should just pull away from everyone and be alone without anyone.  Life might be a bit easier that way.  I never have any luck with actual people anyway.
This whole situation has made my depression so bad and I have been having a really hard time sleeping and eating, which isn't good.  I mean, I already don't really eat because I feel fat most of the time, but now I just can't even when I actually want to.  The sleeping and increased depression are what concern me the most.  My moods the last few weeks have been all over the place at these complete extremes of happiness and then anger or sadness or emptiness and I don't know what to do. Today I had a great day visiting with my little cousin and then when I drove the three hours back home I arrived at my house and suddenly was really frustrated and angry.  After thinking about it a little bit and trying to figure out why I realized it was because I'm getting to the point where I feel like things are so bad and hopeless that I'm angry that I'm still alive.  Every breath I take hurts and when I have moments of happiness followed by this numb feeling I hate myself for still being here and taking up space on this earth.  When I was driving home I realized how suicidal I really am when it began to snow and I was on the highway (which is very windy where I live) and I sped up faster and faster, reaching 100 miles an hour, flying around the turns because I wanted the car to slip and go off the road into the rocks or a ditch and I would die.  At one point I almost turned the wheel and purposefully went off the road, but there was a car just ahead and at my speed I would have hit them on my way off the road and I wasn't going to bring anyone else into it.  It would be just like my life to get someone else seriously injured and still be alive and completely fine.  I think a large part of me was so angry when I got home because I couldn't just do it - even after I had distance from the other car and was on a stretch where there weren't any other cars, I couldn't drive myself off the road and kill myself.  I'm angry because I want to die so badly, but I keep living and I always chicken out (even that one time junior year when I was so close, I got my dad and he saved my life).  Why can't I just end it already?  I don't want to be here, nobody else wants me to be here, nobody cares about me and nobody ever will.  I'm worth nothing to this world.  I am meaningless.  I am a waste of space.

No comments: