Monday, December 29, 2014

Good and Bad

Ah Christmas time. Now it has come and gone and I am feeling a bit better and less like I'm stuck in a cloud of darkness and hazy smog.  I haven't been on Facebook or Twitter except to briefly wish everyone a Happy Christmas and haven't really had a conversation with my Quidditch team for about a week now.  I almost went back on Twitter yesterday/this morning and I did check Facebook very quickly last night because a friend had sent me a file via the chat, but I stayed invisible and didn't say or like anything.  It is surprisingly easy to keep myself away from everyone and that terrifies me a little bit.  The last thing I want to do is alienate myself, but I do want to separate myself a little bit and not be so involved with everyone.  Well, I don't really want to do that either.  It is complicated and super hard to explain.  I love them all and I want more than anything to talk to them and be involved with them all right now, but I just can't because I care too much about them and they don't care about me.  I'm getting sick of this trend where I am always there for people and go out of my way for them, but they don't do the same in return.  I'm sick of caring so much about other people who don't care about me and I can't do it anymore.  I'm never going to get over my depression and anxiety and possible bipolar disorder if I keep living like this, I need to start taking care of myself more instead of always taking care of everyone else.  It also doesn't help that I accidentally fell for my Quidditch captain (one of them) and in the process also got my heart broken by him.  And I can't tell if he is pissed at me or not so I don't know what to do.  I just want to talk to him and figure everything out, but he once told me that he is the kind of guy who just forgets stuff and moves on so I don't want to seem like I'm being overdramatic.  At the same time though, I'm getting the impression that he hasn't "just forgotten and moved on" because he is being really weird around me and I just don't know.  When it is us with other people he is fine, but online and with his best friend (the other captain) involved it seems like he is being really awkward.  I just want to apologize and I really wish that we could have talked in person instead of on Facebook about the issues I was having with the team a month ago (the thing that started all of this).  I don't know what to do anymore.  Maybe I'm just overthinking, maybe its because I have this inherent need to keep apologizing until I'm forgiven, maybe its because my brain doesn't work right so it sees things the wrong way all of the time, maybe its something else - it could be so many things and I'll never know.  Maybe what I feel really is the truth, maybe my gut is right.  I dunno.  I never do.

In a lighter aspect of things: I've lost weight.  I went shopping with my sisters today and they were commenting on how baggy the jeans I was wearing were so I got some new ones and found out that I'm down two jean sizes.  I was so happy that I don't want to eat for days now, but I'm trying to not focus on my unhealthy thoughts and only on the good things.  I'm excited that I've lost weight and I'm on track to becoming a better and more beautiful me.  I'm also going out in about half an hour with my best friend, her mom, and my mom for dinner and I'm really excited.  Like I said, I'm trying to focus on all of the good things so that the bad things don't seem so bad.  (and there is a lot of bad in my life right now) I just hope that through counseling at my school I'll be able to overcome all of this someday and be able to be really happy and normal.

No comments: