Wednesday, December 17, 2014

[Some] Things That Terrify Me

So I was doing some thinking (which I find myself doing a lot lately) and I figured that maybe it would help my increasing anxiety if I listed the things that terrify me.  As my anxiety has been getting worse I've been starting to try and figure out what triggers it, what things cause my heartbeat to pick up and spark a panic attack?  And so, with this question in mind, I decided that it would probably be helpful to think about all of the things that terrify me and send me into a panic (at least that I've noticed so far).  The following is a list I've come up with, its a working list and completely in progress, but its something and its not in any particular order.
  1. Food - I don't know when it started, but I'm afraid of food. The idea of eating sends me into a panic and when I do eat I spend the rest of my night trying not to make myself puke because I feel so awful inside. 
  2. People finding out that I'm in counseling right now - this one makes no sense at all to me to be completely honest, but it is something that keeps me up at night. I have a few friends who know because they pushed me to do it in the first place, but the thought of anyone seeing me in the counseling office at my university sends my heartbeat through the roof.  Especially after I went in to schedule an appointment during finals week last week and I saw a friend of mine sitting right in my line of sight.  I know he saw me and my immediate reaction was to tense up and cut off the receptionist in the middle of her sentence as I got out of there as fast as I could.  I don't know if I was so terrified because he is a friend as well as my Quidditch captain, but I was literally so scared right then and started having a panic attack.  The idea of seeing him there again or anyone else I know that doesn't know the situation right now literally sends me into a panic and that isn't good at all.
  3. Death - my own, of a friend or family member, someone I care about.
  4. Not being forgiven - I do and say stupid things a lot and I'm actually in a situation right now because of how I handle a situation and I don't know if I'll ever be forgiven or if our relationship will ever be the same and that terrifies me.
  5. Life after I finish school
  6. Law school - I'm afraid of the pressure and a part of me doesn't know if I can handle it or if I even want to go to law school anymore, which is something I haven't admitted to anyone. 
  7. Being confronted about my scars - I keep saying to myself that I'm ready, but the time it happened this last semester I froze up and couldn't say anything about it and just let the poor guy guess and figure it out on his own.  I felt so bad after because the poor guy probably thought that I was mad at him, I wasn't at all and he was such a sweat heart about it, no judgement at all.
  8. Judgement - I always feel like everyone is judging me and that they hate me and don't care and wish I didn't exist, it feels like people are talking about me behind my back and when they laugh I always automatically think they are laughing at me, which frightens me because I just want to be loved an accepted.
  9. My team finding out about the continuing self-harm (or really anyone)
  10. Bisexuality - sometimes I wonder if I might really be bisexual and that terrifies me, I just want to be straight because I can't deal with any more secrets right now, its really hard to explain because I have nothing against the LGBT community. 
  11. My anger - there are some days when it gets out of control and it feels like I can't do anything to stop it and it terrifies me because I've done horrible things when this has happened in the past.
  12. Bipolar disorder - I think I might be bipolar and I just, I can't be.  I really really can't be, I can't handle it.
  13. Family (of my own) - I want to get married and have kids, but because of my anger and depression and anxiety I just feel like I'll never be able to because I'll hurt them.  I would not be able to live with myself if I hurt my kids or my husband and so I keep saying that I don't want to get married or have kids when I really do, I just can't ever have that because of my issues. 
  14. Getting a grade below an A in a class - in high school this didn't phase me at all, but now I find myself going into a panic when I discover I've gotten an A- in a class and I'm trying to talk myself out of these freak outs, but I know that I would have a full blown, unstoppable panic attack if I got a B+ 

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