Monday, December 1, 2014

To the person who will never ever read this, but I wish would

There are certain people in my life right now that I really wish knew about and read this blog because I'm so fucking pathetic that I can't tell them that there is something wrong. It's probably because I'm so used to not being cared about and I know that most people don't give a shit about me or my problems - I'm too fucked up for that, I'm not worth it. Yet, there are truths that need to be put out there: like the fact that I can't do any of this anymore. Things have gotten to the point where my brain is always thinking about ways in which to end this life, I don't have the will anymore. If I didn't have two little sisters that I swore I would never leave behind, I honestly wouldn't be here anymore. I'm so done with life. I just can't. And I might quit my quidditch team because I honestly feel so used and mistreated and under appreciated by them. I work my butt of for this team, I've made sacrifices and I've done things for this team that I've never done for a team before in my life.  Yet, with all of this effort I put in I am still seen only as the loud and obnoxious girl that nobody gives a shit about.  I've always known this, because that is why people hated me in high school and I know I haven't changed.  Being loud is the only way I ever feel heard honestly and I know that I can be annoying and a little crazy, but I try to tone it down. Tonight, however, it was pointed out to me by a member of my team and ever since its just been a downward spiral.  Between this and stuff at home I just can't keep fighting much longer.  The thoughts are back and they are bad, I don't want to eat or sleep and I just can't smile or laugh except for in small bursts.  I really wish that the one person who I feel like might understand or maybe be able to find it in his heart to care even a little bit about me would read this blog and know that I lied to him and I'm not okay.  I'm afraid of admitting to people that I'm fighting this battle, mostly because I know that they probably won't give a shit.  In my entire life I have never truly been cared about as a person by more than 3 people and sometimes I think those 3 people are lying.  How could anyone care about fucked up me? I'm worthless, meaningless, I am the fly on the wall. When people see me their only thought is how much they wish I would just go away and not come back, I am annoying and invisible.

I'm crying and tired and so done with everything, I just want to be heard and feel at least like I'm a small amount of worthwhile in this world. 

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