Sunday, January 11, 2015

One step forward, two steps back.

You know that saying: "One step forward, two steps back"?  Well, that's kind of how my life feels like right now.  I don't know if it is an indication that I'm finally starting the true process of recovery because I've found people worth fighting for, or if its just because my life has always been that way, but that is how it is right now - now, more than ever.  And I'm getting to the point where I want my life to turn around, for real this time, so that I can stop taking these backwards steps whenever I'm starting to feel good again.  Today my roommates and I got pizza and I ate two slices and two breadsticks, something that is completely against my disorder and I've paid the price for it.  It felt so good going down into my stomach, to have warm food inside me, and to force myself not to care, but then I started caring again.  I can only escape my darkest parts of me for moments.  While I did not throw it up, my stomach feels so bloated and I feel like I've lost control and I know that tomorrow I'm probably not going to eat anything because I will feel so guilty for the gluttony of today.  I wonder if I will ever truly overcome these monsters that are consuming me inside.  The anxiety is getting to new levels and my moods feel all over the place.  My friends here are saying that I seem so much happier now, after returning from break, but I know that it is only momentary.  This will not last for long.  The last few days I've been able to eat, but I feel as though I'm losing control again and I'm afraid of getting fat and gaining weight.  I'm finally starting to get close to my goal weight and I just need to get there so badly.  I've never really talked on here in depth about my eating issues, but it was honestly because I didn't notice them until I was in therapy this last week and the subject was brought up.  I'd never thought that maybe my anxiety stemmed from my relationship with food that has slowly been getting worse over the years, but it makes sense.  I was sent on my way with some homework for the next week - to be more aware of how I feel around food and my thoughts while I'm eating, it has only been a few days, but I've already begun to notice a few things that I'd never noticed before.  I guess its true what they say about these things sneaking up on you gradually, you don't even notice them at first.  It is a good thing I'm noticing it now.
But, anyway, sometimes it feels like I start to make these great advances forward to only fall back farther than I was before the great advance and that terrifies me a little bit.  I want to get better, I have reasons to fight now that I didn't have before and I'm almost halfway to my basis goal of 100 days without self harm.  I think that I need to start reaching out more and letting people know that I'm not okay and that I need help.  I need to be able to build my support system little by little so that my moments of weakness can be fought through and not bring me back so far.  I have been taught to be a fighter and I guess now is the time to find out how hard I'm willing to fight.

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