Sunday, September 27, 2015

Sorority?

So, it has been several months since my last post and in that time I've begun my junior year of college, decided to stop playing Quidditch, gotten a new phone, oh, and joined a sorority.  Trust me, its not something I ever expected to be doing, but my life has led to this and now I'm a member of Alpha Chi Omega (well, almost, it will be official in November).

I feel like that was information that was needed before the following story:
Last night was the annual toga party that a fraternity on my campus does and, of course, now being a member of a sorority, it was kind of expected that I go.  I'm not going to lie, I was a bit excited, but was also terrified because I haven't been to a party since my freshman year and everything happened with my swim teammates.  But I pushed my fear aside and went with my new sisters, something that I honestly don't think I would have been able to do before this last year because I really have come really far from last fall.  I was proud of myself and at first the party was okay but really boring because there weren't many people there and (too be completely honest) the music sucked (this didn't change at all unfortunately), but people slowly started to show up and the party picked up.  The only reason I agreed to go (apart from spending time with my sorority and meeting frat boys) was because I knew it would be a dry party, no alcohol, which made me feel more comfortable.  Unfortunately there happened to be a party down the street with alcohol, which is where a lot of people went to get drunk before going to the toga party and as people started showing up at the party, the smell of beer got stronger and I started feeling really uncomfortable.  It didn't help that I kinda felt ignored by the frat guys who knew all of the girls I was with and didn't say anything to me unless directly introduced.  So about an hour and a half into the party I told a girl I was with that I was heading back to the sorority house because I was done partying.  I think my face revealed a bit of my anxiety and discomfort because a girl commented on how pissed off I looked to one of her friends as they were entering the party and I was leaving.  I made it back to the house okay, but there was nobody home to answer the door and I rang the doorbell a million times and pounded on the door, but no answer.  So, naturally, I sat on the front step and waited for someone to get home and let me in so I could change out of my toga, get my stuff, and head home.  After about 10 minutes of waiting I tried ringing the doorbell again just in case someone had come in through the back door, but no answer, and, long story short; ended up crying in my purple toga on the front step of the sorority house having an anxiety attack.  I guess the guys at Tiffin messed me up more than I thought, I don't know if I'm going to be able to enjoy any parties ever again because I just can't be around boys that smell like alcohol.  Don't worry though, I did end up getting let into the house (by the house mom, who found me sobbing on the doorstep and looked extremely concerned, but I just told her I wanted to get my things and go home and that I would be fine).  Luckily as I was leaving I ran into two girls who ended up giving me a ride home (I bike everywhere so I was going to have to bike back to my apartment at a little past midnight) and one of them texted me after dropping me off and told me to let her know if I needed anything.  They were both super nice and I feel so bad for the house mom (who was also very nice).

Apart of me hopes that someday I'll be able to talk about what happened to me at Tiffin with someone other than my best friend (I mean, she is so great, but I feel like I need to work through it and stop hiding it so much).  I've got to admit to someone that my own teammates relentlessly sexually harassed me, one tried to rape me, and after that night the sexual harassment got worse.  It angers me and I still have that thought in the back of my mind that I'm going to run into those guys and I don't know what I would do, I've run through so many different scenarios in my head, but I'm just hoping I never see any of them again.  I wish I'd reported them instead of hiding and feeling like it was my fault.

I'm excited for the future though, I can't wait to see what happens this year in terms of my recovery and also with the sorority I've joined.  I've got so much to look forward to, it is such a nice feeling to have and so different from feeling so determined there is nothing in my future that living is just a waste of time, I love the feeling of loving being alive.