Thursday, March 31, 2016

I want things for myself.

I want great things for myself and I don't think that is selfish.  I've gone through hell and back more times than I can count and I've somehow pulled through each time and I deserve better.  I deserve good things.  I deserve my dream job, love, and maybe even a family someday.  I deserve all of these things and I'm sick of my brain telling me that I don't, telling me that I'm not good enough for anything and that I will never have the things that I deserve.  I stress day in and day out about my grades in college, about my LSAT scores, about how I will measure up against other law school applicants when I start applying in the fall.  I can't keep beating myself down if I'm going to make it in this world.  I want good things for myself and I'm trying to learn that it isn't selfish and that I'm not a failure.  I get a fucking B in a class or a 68 on a test and I freak out, I can't breathe, I feel like I won't go on to do great things, but I will do great things.  I will make a difference, at least in my own life, I will be my own hero.  I've been fighting for my life since I was 12 and I honestly didn't realize it until just now.  I've been fighting and I haven't given myself any credit for getting through it.  I'm eating, I haven't cut in a year and 3 months, I'm trying to learn to love myself.  I want to celebrate everything I've accomplished in these last 8 years.  8 years of fighting and ups and downs and feeling useless and dumb and worthless.  But I'm alive.  I actually want things now, I have dreams that are real and that I'm working towards.  16 year old me didn't think life was meant for me, thought that college would destroy me if high school didn't, but I'm finally flourishing.  I'm growing into a person that I'm proud of and I'm still fighting.  And I want things, for the first time in my life I really want things, I want a life that I love.  I can't let myself get held back by the worry, the anxiety, the depression; that isn't me, I am confident, I am smart, I am loyal, I am a good person.  And it isn't selfish to want things, it isn't selfish to feel good about myself.  It shows that I'm healing and I'm finally heading in the right direction.  It shows I'm keeping my promise to myself - to make my years outside of being a teenager be the best of my life.

2 comments:

Dream said...

I've been there.

I'm glad you made it out too. I hope everything starts turning out well for you.

Joy said...

Thank you. 😊