baby, i've burned myself away

baby i've got myself a new addiction and you would kill me if you knew

that i quit cutting through your carefully sewn stitches because it was too easy

to get new ones and too easy for you to notice that i was breaking again

because i have a bit of an obsession with the idea of shattering into 

a million pieces and your careful attempts at sewing me together

made me want to scream, made me want to cut through the strands

of your love that was holding me together and so now, now i've got myself

a new addiction baby

and this time there is no way to fix me.

this time you can't sew me back together because i'm becoming too hard

for your needle and your thread can't get through my skin because it is burning,

burning away your attempts at fixing me baby

with a little bic lighter and little yellow flame i've got you out of the way

and now you can't fix me because i'm too charred and if you touch me

with your needle i will just break because i am so burned out, i have

burned myself away into a pile of ash and dust

that you can't sew back together

and you will never know this because i will never tell you because i secretly

want you to make me a pile of nothing, then i would have an excuse

to die.

 

and baby, it would be all your fault.

its too soon for you

they say that age doesn't matter in death and they were right

because you are only two years old and yet death is sneaking up on you,

slipping into your room late at night when the monsters plague your dreams

and make you wake up suddenly, fear making your little two year old limbs

tremble as you cry out for your mother and your father;

"mommy, daddy!"

but those monsters are not the ones you should be fearing,

the one you should fear is hiding in your blood and your bones

and you can't see it as it rips you apart from the inside out,

making your parents want to cry out to God and plead for Him to save

their little baby girl with only two years of experience who is so close

to slipping away because of the cancer that plagues you and eats at your

two year old body, two years of no experience yet

so close to being taken away.

 

and i pray that someone can come and take away all of the monsters,

hiding in your dreams and hiding in your little body that is already

so very frail and fragile

because, you, more than anyone in this world

deserve to grow big and strong and fight those monsters and live a life

with many more cakes because two is not enough to know

which one is your favorite.

it was too early for them. (dedicated to the children in the Connecticut shooting 12/14/2012 RIP)

i.

his big brother came home from college last night

and promised him that they would play soccer together

when he got home from school that day,

so when he hugged him goodbye and told him

"I love you",

he had something to look forward to.

 

he hid underneath the table when the big scary man

with his scary gun turned towards him and the sound

was so very loud and so very scary and he just wanted

his big brother to come and save him, to come and get him

so they could play soccer together when he got home from school.

 

he never got to go home, he never got to play soccer

with his big brother who was at home waiting for him.

 

ii.

she told her mother that she wanted to be a nurse someday

as they sat down for breakfast that morning,

she said it was because she wanted to help people

like her grammy did and it made her mother smile.

 

she didn't even have time to react,

the gun was pointed at her before she could even scream

and when the shot rung out through the room

she could only hear the others around her as she fell to the ground.

 

she would never be a nurse someday, she never would get to

save people like her grammy did.

 

iii.

her mommy promised her that they would go out for dinner that night

because it was her birthday and she was going to be

six years old, a big girl, and she was so excited 

for cake and ice cream and presents when she got home.

 

her eyes were closed and she pressed herself against the wall

as he fired away at random,

hoping that if she couldn't see him then he wouldn't be able to see her

because she was scared and everyone was screaming.

 

she never got to eat that cake, never got to eat the ice cream

because she never got to finish her birthday.

 

iv.

he was excited because he was going to play with his

new baby sister when he got home,

his mommy promised when she dropped him off at

school in the morning and he was so excited he even bragged

to all of his friends and his teacher that day.

 

when the man started towards him and the chaos around him

made him turn to run,

he didn't know that behind him the gun was being raised

and the trigger was being pressed and the shot was being fired.

 

he never got to play with his little sister, never would be her big brother

and would never be able to teach her everything he knew.

 

v.

at breakfast she had gotten to eat a chocolate candy,

the 14th one of the month,

as she counted the days until Christmas morning

with her family everyday because she was so very excited

to give her mom and dad the gifts she had picked out for them.

 

when the bullet hit her it caused a pain she could have never imagined

and she screamed out as she fell to the ground,

her teacher ran to her side and knelt down to try to stop the bleeding

but she couldn't get it to stop in time and she began to fade a little bit,

becoming oblivious to the sounds around her.

 

she never got to eat the candy for the 15th day, never got to see Christmas morning

or give her parents the gifts she had picked out just for them.

 

_____________________________________________________

 

and that was only five of the twenty children who had their lives

ripped away from them too many years too early,

torn from the world and their families only days before Christmas

by a man whose rage became so uncontrollable that he couldn't

keep it in check and so he brought those guns to that elementary school

where he shot so many children and the teachers who just wanted to protect them

from this monster, killing so many people,

including his own mother.

 

what has this world become?

 

[author's note: the children described in this piece are generic, semi-fictional children who represent the ones killed today in the Connecticut shooting]

beat-up-old guitar

her fingernails were chipped and her fingers were hardened

from hours of struming on her beat-up-old guitar

sitting on street corners with her case wide open

and empty.

 

her clothes rested on bones with skin stretched tight

and her shoulders were slumped

but her eyes were alive with the music she was making,

she couldn't express herself in any other way than

her homemade songs and beat-up-old guitar.

the old abandoned ferris wheel

[inspired by this video - http://youtu.be/Z8tH_i47E-U  by John Green]

 

they were screaming out to be heard,

voices pushing against the old abandoned ferris wheel

screaming, but only sounding in the soft wind

that moved them from silence into sound, pressing them

against the old metal carriages that once held

their laughing children.

 

they were screaming for redemption, for revenge

on the old rotting wooden steps

and the man who left it all behind,

confined to a prison cell,

letting their children's joy rot away

with the old wooden platforms.

 

the only way they could make it run

was by screaming into the wind

and hoping that it would push them with

enough force to make the old abandoned

ferris wheel

move again.

the words are singing

these words are singing through my mind

like your voice used to create beautiful melodies

out of almost nothing,

guitar in hand you were

invincible.

 

so now that you are off in the world

discovering yourself,

i just let my mind sing for you to fill up

that empty space where your music used to be

and i write lyrics for you, for songs that only i

will ever hear.

 

now i've got my own guitar in hand, i've got

words in my head that are singing and

i've got the voice to sing them

so the songs that i've written that you will never hear

can be heard by the ones who have words singing

in their heads too.

salty sea green eyes

her eyelashes were sprinkled with dew-drop tears

that sparkled in the morning sun like diamonds

as her evergreen eyes gazed up into a far away place

where her dreams and long ago aspirations hid themselves

from her shattered heart and empty sea eyes.

 

once she was as full as the ocean and her eyes sparkled

in the middle of the night like stars

and her face was the moon,

but then the valve on her heart broke and she accidentally poured out

all of her salty sea green love

onto an empty beach and the stars in her eyes died,

her beautiful moon face no longer saw the beautiful light

in quiet darkness.

 

_______________________________________________

 

WHOOT!! somehow I found the time to write something while being loaded down with homework and a job! :) 

 

I'm kinda worried about how I will be able to do everything during the winter when I have nordic skiing, but I'll deal with that when it comes. 

 

also, I've lost 4 more pounds! 14 total since I started trying to lose weight!