Music

I listen to music that is real,
pounding itself into my soul with each word
that flows through my veins and makes me
feel alive.
Words are so full of meaning sometimes -
I can't keep myself held down
unless I have something to tie me
and these songs are the ones that chain the
perfect meanings together in letters
that are just heavy enough to keep me from
flying off into darkness.

These are the songs that kept me back
from falling out of high trees
where branches grew in just the right way
to hold me in place with a notebook
filled with words twined together,
messy attempts at making songs to hold down
the other lost souls in this world.

The "Stupidity" of Villains

You know, I was pondering things a little while ago about heroes and villains and something struck me; the reason the villain ends up being defeated because they talk about their "evil" plan is not because they are dumb or stupid, its because they just want recognition.  I mean, look at the villains, most people can relate to them more than they can relate to the hero.  The hero saves the day, the hero is who people want to be, but the villain is who people can see themselves in.  Villains don't start that way, they are not born evil, they are born as innocents who are then mistreated by the world.  It is just like us as average humans, we are born and we live in a life where we are constantly being misunderstood and disregarded for our efforts and used by those around us.  The natural desire of human kind is to be loved and cared for and noticed, but that doesn't happen.  Villains are representatives of this notion and this flaw in humanity, they become "evil" because they have this overwhelming desire to be noticed by someone and to do something that gets noticed, that they can take the credit for.  Really, they are just trying to be loved and understood and recognized - just like we are every single day.  So when a villain stops in that moment when he has the hero cornered and the end is surely in sight, he isn't being stupid or dumb in describing his "evil" plan - he is only trying to get recognition and praise, he wants to take credit for this thing that he has done.  In this situation the hero is the parent or the teacher or the coach or the captain or the friend who takes that moment to listen to what we've done and then turns around and steals it all away.  The villain isn't defeated because he is stupid, he is defeated because of his overwhelming need to be able to tell someone what he has done and be proud of it, something that we desire to do everyday.  This common scene is a direct representation of the, arguably, biggest flaw in humanity: the desire for recognition that will never come except for in fleeting circumstances where it is then ignored.

So, I don't think villains are all that bad or unintelligent - they are just like us, a fact that I think many people ignore.  Think about it, who do you have more in common with? The hero or the villain?  My bet would be the villain.

things that were ruined: fire

once upon a time there was innocence
and now there is only a broken record of memories,
the tortured screams that echo in the darkest corners of a mind
that was once filled with light.

everything has changed

fire crackling, worming its way through the wood,
popping and snapping inside
as it warms a house used to mean comfort
and safety,
now it is only a memory of fear.
the fire was crackling that night as
innocence fled the scene of its own murder
and hiding under blankets with the sound
of a fire crackling nearby was the only way
to keep a little bit of sanity.
now that sanity is driven away by that sound
as the comfort needed at that time,
became attached to the memory of why
comfort was needed in the first place.

To Be An Adult

it is 4:06 am and I can't sleep.
contrary to popular belief
I am not in love or lonely -
I don't need to be constrained into
a category where lack of sleep means
that I am pining after some guy
because, apparently, that is the only thing
that could keep a girl like me awake.

why don't you men get your
heads out of your asses -
I'm awake because I'm afraid.
afraid of him,
the one who stole the night from me
when he molested me at that party
and everyone just laughed
as I left with tears welling in my eyes.

I heard him gloating,
saying he finally cracked "the prude"
and I haven't spoken a word of truth since
- or slept a whole night through.

this smile is how I hide
the immense pain that won't fade -
the pain keeping me up until 4:14 am,
not because I am pining,
but because the comfort of the night
was stolen from me -

the same night I turned 18.
___________________________________________
I wrote this one a few weeks ago when I was seriously up all night because I was having horrible flashbacks to the night of my 18th birthday (also the night after my first day of college classes) - the night that I was sexually molested.  I don't really talk about it much and I'm trying to move on, it's been over a year and I've since transferred to a different university and stopped all contact with the guy who attacked me.  The worst part of all of it was that it was one of my swim teammates and another guy filmed him, laughing the entire time while I tried not to cry and then they made a joke about it with the rest of the team which led to me being molested by a different team member later that week.  I don't know why I never reported the three guys involved (the two who molested me and the one who filmed the first time), but I never did.  I just quit the swim team and transferred schools so fast that I don't really think anyone knew what happened.  I'm so much happier at my new university, but there are a lot of things that I need to work through.  I still have nights where I can't sleep and I don't know what to do with myself, sometimes I wonder if I should tell someone and get help - but a part of me is afraid they would make me get the authorities involved with the guys.  I want them to serve their time, don't get me wrong, but I also know that nothing would happen.  There were witnesses who later told me I had exaggerated things and that I had been "asking for it" - just as they always say - I know that it would just be a lot of pain for me and they would see nothing.  I don't want to go through that pain again just because someone out there thinks justice should be served (mainly my best friend who knows some details, but not all, and kept trying to get me to report them last year).  I'm living my life and trying my best to forget, letting it out little by little with my poetry and maybe opening up to a few people here.  I know people have noticed that I have issues with things regarding sex and that I get really quiet when I'm alone with guys (at least, I think they might have).

In other news, that isn't so dark and depressing, I'm in the process of becoming an RA at the university I'm currently attending which I'm super excited about.  I'm also at 100 posts (this is my 100th!!) who knew I could keep a blog up for this long? I sure didn't.  I know I've kinda sucked at being regular and I keep promising to fix it, but let's be honest here and admit that life happens and I'm just proud that I don't delete this blog or stop posting all together.  At least I give a poem here or there, even if it is after a few months.  I've been having a bit of writer's block though recently so I've been lacking on the poetry and I'm not turning out nearly as many poems as I want to.  Hopefully that will change soon.  This is also a regular blog too, so hopefully I will be able to pop on and update on my life and the goings on in Utah (which is where I am right now).  (I am not a Mormon - just in case you where wondering).

Life is beautiful. Even with the bad things.

Have a great day, week, month, year!

stuck on repeat

they expect her to be beautiful
they expect her to be perfect
they expect her to be happy
they expect her to fine.
but she isn’t.

she screams and they can’t hear her
because they are blinded by the fake smiles that she
plasters on every morning when she wakes
from the nightmares that cripple her, the nightmares that
are her life.

she sees every bad thing;
every mistake and every bad decision,
every situation and every bad thing that she has ever seen,
in every dream.

some nights she dreams of the blood, blood
flowing from her wrists without stopping and the darkness
that held her in its grasp until her father’s hands found hers
and pulled her back,
gasping with the pain and feeling the tears from her mother’s eyes
falling on her cheeks.

and other nights she dreams of him falling, falling
down to the ground in front of her
because he had sat in his walker and they had been joking
and he told her to push him, but the brakes were on and she didn’t
know and she couldn’t do anything as he fell back
with eyes wide to the ground and didn’t move,
wouldn’t respond to her and when the EMTs finally got there
and lifted him from the ground she could see the pool of blood
staining the sidewalk where his head had been.

once in awhile she gets nights that are empty, empty
and dark and she is nothing because in those nights
she doesn’t exist anymore and the mornings after
are the most terrifying because she has to wake up
into a world where she does exist.

yet, sometimes it happens during class
when she will zone out and all of the sudden everything he has
ever yelled at her, every single time he has thrown her against a wall
and every strong grip or thrown book or bloody nose
starts to repeat in her head.

over and over and over
again.

they are the nightmares that are her life,
nightmares that are her past.

nightmares that don’t ever stop.

stuck on repeat.

darling, give me your heart

darling, come here and let me write you into the story
that is my life,
let me write you into the painful bits and the laughter, give me
your love so that i can spill out my heart
and love you back so much that i can’t sleep anymore, give me
all of your dreams so that i can whisper in your ear all of
mine and tell you that yours will all come true, give me
the chances that you missed and the ones you took
so that i can add myself to the list of chances taken
and so i can wake you up, late at night, so we can go
take some chances you thought you missed.

baby, let me give you my heart and let me take yours,
trust me with everything you have ever desired
and let me stay up all night by your side so that we can
wake up in the morning and think about how much
we love each other and how glad we are that we are
so very alive
and so very much in love with
each other.

and i love you, but you don't know

i wonder if you would be mad if i shot you with

cupid's arrow because i just love you so fucking much and i know that 

you would never ever in a million years love me that much

back and you would never ever hold my hand or kiss my lips, you would

never ever look me in the eyes and bring me close with your arms

wrapped around my waist to show me that you care when i want to cry

because you will never know what i'm like when i'm sad and you will never

be close enough to me to care about me and to pick up on the signs.

 

we spend our time together laughing and making jokes, we talk

about practice and the team and spanish class,

but we never talk about the things i want to talk about, we never

speak about the fact that i fucking love you because you don't know

that i am laying on the floor with my heart cut wide open,

waiting for you to pour your love right back into it and fill in the empty spaces

i have reserved just for you.

 

so i wonder if you can see that i am waiting for you

or, maybe, you can see and you don't want to love me back or don't know how.

baby, if you don't know how then i would be more than happy to teach you

and if you don't love me back that is okay too because i am used to loving

too much and not being loved back, i am used to people not caring about me

in the ways that i wish they would, and so i would not be mad at you for not

loving me back - i would just have to teach myself how to not love you either

and if you just can't see that i love you then tell me how i can tell you without

scaring you away from this girl who is waiting for you to fill her heart and kiss her

scars (and lips and face and neck and everywhere else) and draw her close with

your strong arms to show her that you care.

 

but i'm also afraid that if you find out that i love you that maybe you wil hate me for it

because who can love me?

 

i have yet to meet someone who can.