There and Back Again

wow it seems like forever since i last posted something even remotely writing like so here is a piece that i think you might enjoy :)

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It seems like it has been forever since my fingers

flew across the keyboard letters,

bringing a true master piece into existance.

It's been so very long since I let my thoughts play out

onto a new page and then share it to the world,

it has been so long.

 

I have written so many words in the month of December

and it seems as though I may never write again,

but you can never,

EVER,

lose something that is such a great part of you

that it is what gets you through boring days and tough times.

 

It has been so long since I embraced the words,

struggling to get out,

burning to get out,

as I have once said in a poem that I wrote

what seems like ages ago.

 

In only a month I am different now,

changed,

a writer who has accomplished NaNoWriMo her first time

and a bisexual teen who has come out to her friends.

In only a month I have changed from a shy girl

who hid my feelings for fear that I would be trampled

and broken all over again,

to a girl who isn't afraid to be herself

and will gladly say what's on her mind.

 

I can change so much in such a short time,

but it seems as though it is not appropriately measured

because I measure my progress

through the change in the flow and the words

of my writing.

 

It has been so long since I poured my heart onto a page

for a total stranger to read,

but there is a comfort in it.

______________________________________

so there is a writing piece (finally)! :) 

how were your Christmases this year? mine was pretty great because it was also marking 3 weeks since i last cut myself :) i got some cool stuff and i got to see myself in published form!!

it was pretty exciting and right now i am reading it (it is my nano novel from this year) it isn't sold to the public, its just a proof copy and i have the only copy that will ever be made and sold sorry! maybe next year i will open it up to the general public. i also got this really cool caligraphy set from my almost boyfriend (if he doesn't ask me out in the next month i am going to go out with Lindsay - yes a girl, i am bisexual)

much love all!

~AT

Identical Twins - Oh So Different

I have two eyes,

two bright blue-grey eyes that show me everything I want to see,

and everything I don't.

 

These eyes give me grounds for opinions and imaginings

they give me a drive for artistic talent

and written words,

they are my foundation and I see through them in ways

that nobody else could.

 

I have two eyes,

both the same color and both the same size and shape,

they are identical twins,

but they see oh so differently.

 

Through one I see myself as

African American and Irish and Scottish and Native American and English,

I see myself as all of the races and ethnicities in this

oh so wide world

and through my other eye I see myself as

white and read headed and skinny and pretty,

everything that society and the world has taught me to see.

 

Together my eyes produce an image of me

that no one else could replicate,

I am the whole world mixed into one person

over decades of love and marriage and babies

and racial prejudice.

 

My relatives saw through their eyes the world

but the world didn't see them,

they weren't equals because they were different

in skin color and origins and riches and power,

but I see them all reflected in me,

their stories and history brought down through the ages

to this moment and this person,

and I can see it all with my two eyes,

identical twins,

but oh so different interpretations of the world around them.

________________________________________________

 

this just kinda came to me suddenly and i just had to write it down.

hope you liked it :)

Challenges

so this is going to be a quick one seeing as it is really late and i'm going to be painting the deck tomorrow and then maybe getting a new camera :)

i've been challenged to go a week without cutting and figured if i start today then the week will be over on my birthday and i'm going to be in camp for the whole week. i hope that's not considered cheating cause i'l be at camp (leaving early saturday morning) and i always have alot of fun there....

so what do you think?

post soon (hopefully)
~LITW

Uphill Decline

i.
Shouts & yells ringing through this broken home,
ringing in the innocent ears of young children,
told that they will never be anything
& that they are worthless, stupid
mistakes.
Told they are ugly & fat by a father
who could care less what they do
& when one found relief in her razor blades
he just yells some more about them being
attention whores & disgraces
& doesn't understand why she can't seem to stop
this slicing of her skin.

ii.
& then God found them & picked them up,
placing them on solid ground
& giving them the love that they'd always wanted & needed.
They were happy & carefree
because their father could not touch them anymore
& God shielded them from the harsh words
& even harsher hate,
but He knew that it wouldn't last for long
& that one would fall into Satan's trap
because she just felt so unloved & hated
& she knew that good things would never last.

iii.
So short a time she found God's relief & love,
it's sad to watch,
she fell away from her Father in Heaven
& went back to trying to please her father on earth
who didn't care about her at all.
Green Tea & Ice Cold Water became her food
& sustenance
as she starved herself to be skinny the way her father
wanted her to be
because she could only see how fat & ugly she was
& it warped her brain,
she enjoyed the hunger pains & headaches & tiredness
because she knew that for every meal she skipped,
she lost more weight & maybe would finally win some of her father's love.

iv.
So there she is wandering in endless circles,
first slicing her own skin
& then finding God's love,
only to fade away & starve to be skinny
so she can get her father's love & maybe be pretty in his eyes
at last.
She goes forward and backward,
uphill and downhill at the same time
because this life of hers (mine) is just so twisted & confusing.
& she (I) just can't seem to change.
________________________________________
this is a poem i wrote about my life and how i cut mysel for a long time because of my semi abusive dad (he only hits me sometimes, it's rare, but still counts - like during our fight on monday he hit me with the book i was reading (Wicked, really good, by the way) and now i have a bruised back and he flipped me over and hit me so hard that i got a bloody nose, he said sorry though, but he normally does that when he looses control) so it's how i cut because of my dad and then i went to this Christian conference and ended up accepting Jesus into my heart, but after about a month i went back to my old ways of trying to please my dad and this time it was by working out more and eating less because according to my dad i am FAT (which i have to agree with someimes) and then a month after that i went back to cutting again and now my life is just as bad as it was before i accepted Jesus and i'm pretty sure that he's left by now cause i would be scared shitless (pardon the language) to be with someone like me.

and that is my post of the day,

i'm going to my grandparents' cottage today and will be getting new running shoes for cross country afterwards. can't wait! i leave for camp at 7am on saturday! so excited!!!

~LITW

What I Don't Know

You don't want me anymore
(if you ever wanted me),
I'm not as stupid as you think I am,
give me some credit,
please?
I can see through these thin paper excuses
why you couldn't call or email or message me
about the team hanging out,
I can see that you didn't want me there
because nobody seems to want me anymore.
I know you're lying because my number isn't unknown,
you know it because I gave it to you
& you have my email,
I gave that to you too
& we are friends on facebook because
you added me,
when we were friends still,
before the rumors & lies reached you
& before you grew to realize that nobody wants me around,
the maniac ginger who cuts herself.
I know what it's like to be friendless

My family doesn't want me around either,
I can't say I'm surprised.
I'm not deaf ya know,
I can hear them talking about me at night
& when I try to spend time with my mom
she smiles & says she can't wait to spend time with her oldest
& then when she goes downstairs to my father I can hear her say;
"I don't want her to come,
I don't want her with me."
It's almost like she "forgets" that there is a vent downstairs that connects to my room upstairs & I can hear every word.
My dad doesn't even attempt to hide it,
constantly saying I'm worthless & stupid
& will never amount to anything because nobody wants me;
the annoying, talkative, somewhat bipolar kid
with mood swings that swing higher than playground swings.
I know what it's like to be hated by my family

God doesn't want me either,
even though they say in church that He loves everyone,
I can tell them one person he doesn't want with Him in Heaven
(if He or Heaven even exist)
me.
I try to do as the Bible says & I obey every command,
but it never works out & I'm always blamed by my fellow
"Christians"
who scorn my for my scars & chaotic thinking & hate me.
like everyone else.
I know what it's like to not be loved by a "loving" God

I know hate & disgust & friendless weekends & a loveless life,
what I don't know is why I still try.

(& people wonder why I cut & am so damn messed up)
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this is one of my more depressing pieces, which u should start to expect more of in the next few weeks as i have relapsed back into cutting after not for about 2 solid months :( and it pissed me off that i went back to the blade and my writing tends to reflect my moods which right now are pissed, sad, depressed, and just lonely<--- (first 2 stanzas of this poem explain why)

~LITW

Celebration of Life

I've always said that when I die
I want my coffin to be blue,
my favorite color.
& people laugh at me,
saying they love my personality
& my love of life.
(they don't understand)

I do want my coffin to be blue,
light blue
like the sky on a warm summer's day.

Damn the black,
depressing stuff of ordinary funerals,
I want mine to be a party,
a celebration of my life
& my individualistic ways.

I want people to laugh,
not cry,
I want them to remember how I always can make people laugh,
even when they just want to cry
& how no matter the subject,
I always had some stupid joke that cracked everyone up
& left them laughing.

I want dogs to be at my funeral,
they don't have to be mine,
they just have to be there
because my dog lit up my darkest day
& I want them to light up the grave site where I lay,
I want everyone to laugh at them as they
romp around,
enjoying life just like I did.

& I don't want people to wear black during the service,
I want them to wear their brightest colors
& a smile on their faces
because I've dealt with sadness
& think it's stupid to morn me when I am in heaven,
with God,
having the time of my life
& I don't want to look down on my family & see them crying
'cause it would break my heart,
besides,
I've always thought crying at funerals is stupid
because funerals should be a celebration of their life
& not mourning them
'cause I'm never going to be gone,
as long as I have family & friends on earth.
(I will always be with them in their heart)

So celebrate my life,
don't mourn it.
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i wrote this after i watched a show where this kid died when he walked outside to his car and got stabbed in the back and i realized that life is short and u should just enjoy every day cause u never know if it is going to be your last. this is what i want my funeral to be like, i'm serious.

sorry about the depressingness :)

love you all!! comment please :)
~LITW

You

You promised to always be there,
ready to catch me when I fall
(& so far you have.)

You let me confess my secrets,
even when you already knew
because confession is good for the soul
(& you didn't judge me.)

You whispered words of love
in my ear
which had only ever heard shouting & curses
(& it made me smile.)

You sent wonderful breezes
to twist around my broken form,
making me whole
(& I laughed with glee.)
You filled me up in ways that nothing
else could
(& never left me.)

& I thank you 
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the "You" i am talking about in this is God (FYI) and i wrote this yesterday and promised that i would put it on here and so i did cause i'm a woman of my word. and there you have it. i don't have time to do an actual blog about my life so i'm gonna do it tomorrow (maybe) if i can find the time (i'm going to be on the go for the whole day pretty much)

~LITW