Uphill Decline

i.
Shouts & yells ringing through this broken home,
ringing in the innocent ears of young children,
told that they will never be anything
& that they are worthless, stupid
mistakes.
Told they are ugly & fat by a father
who could care less what they do
& when one found relief in her razor blades
he just yells some more about them being
attention whores & disgraces
& doesn't understand why she can't seem to stop
this slicing of her skin.

ii.
& then God found them & picked them up,
placing them on solid ground
& giving them the love that they'd always wanted & needed.
They were happy & carefree
because their father could not touch them anymore
& God shielded them from the harsh words
& even harsher hate,
but He knew that it wouldn't last for long
& that one would fall into Satan's trap
because she just felt so unloved & hated
& she knew that good things would never last.

iii.
So short a time she found God's relief & love,
it's sad to watch,
she fell away from her Father in Heaven
& went back to trying to please her father on earth
who didn't care about her at all.
Green Tea & Ice Cold Water became her food
& sustenance
as she starved herself to be skinny the way her father
wanted her to be
because she could only see how fat & ugly she was
& it warped her brain,
she enjoyed the hunger pains & headaches & tiredness
because she knew that for every meal she skipped,
she lost more weight & maybe would finally win some of her father's love.

iv.
So there she is wandering in endless circles,
first slicing her own skin
& then finding God's love,
only to fade away & starve to be skinny
so she can get her father's love & maybe be pretty in his eyes
at last.
She goes forward and backward,
uphill and downhill at the same time
because this life of hers (mine) is just so twisted & confusing.
& she (I) just can't seem to change.
________________________________________
this is a poem i wrote about my life and how i cut mysel for a long time because of my semi abusive dad (he only hits me sometimes, it's rare, but still counts - like during our fight on monday he hit me with the book i was reading (Wicked, really good, by the way) and now i have a bruised back and he flipped me over and hit me so hard that i got a bloody nose, he said sorry though, but he normally does that when he looses control) so it's how i cut because of my dad and then i went to this Christian conference and ended up accepting Jesus into my heart, but after about a month i went back to my old ways of trying to please my dad and this time it was by working out more and eating less because according to my dad i am FAT (which i have to agree with someimes) and then a month after that i went back to cutting again and now my life is just as bad as it was before i accepted Jesus and i'm pretty sure that he's left by now cause i would be scared shitless (pardon the language) to be with someone like me.

and that is my post of the day,

i'm going to my grandparents' cottage today and will be getting new running shoes for cross country afterwards. can't wait! i leave for camp at 7am on saturday! so excited!!!

~LITW