messed up, fucked up me

& i can't handle the pain,

the pain of losing you

because i just can't let anyone into my

messed up,

fucked up

head.

i'm sorry that i can't let anyone in,

i'm sorry that i'm too scared to let them pick me apart

at the seams

& gaze into the messed up chaos that is my mind,

i don't want them to tell me everything thats wrong with me

because, baby, i know whats wrong.

i know that its wrong to act this way,

to do these things,

but i can't just walk away like you did,

i've invested so much into this life

& i almost don't want to change,

even for you.

cause, baby, i'm scared of the doctor,

i'm scared of their institutions & their pills,

i'm terrified of the truth, of trusting.

& baby i'm so very sorry that i can't be what you wish i could be,

i'm sorry that i can't do what you wish i would,

i'm sorry that i'm so afraid,

i wish that you could understand.

i'm not ready for this yet.