There and Back Again

wow it seems like forever since i last posted something even remotely writing like so here is a piece that i think you might enjoy :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It seems like it has been forever since my fingers

flew across the keyboard letters,

bringing a true master piece into existance.

It's been so very long since I let my thoughts play out

onto a new page and then share it to the world,

it has been so long.

 

I have written so many words in the month of December

and it seems as though I may never write again,

but you can never,

EVER,

lose something that is such a great part of you

that it is what gets you through boring days and tough times.

 

It has been so long since I embraced the words,

struggling to get out,

burning to get out,

as I have once said in a poem that I wrote

what seems like ages ago.

 

In only a month I am different now,

changed,

a writer who has accomplished NaNoWriMo her first time

and a bisexual teen who has come out to her friends.

In only a month I have changed from a shy girl

who hid my feelings for fear that I would be trampled

and broken all over again,

to a girl who isn't afraid to be herself

and will gladly say what's on her mind.

 

I can change so much in such a short time,

but it seems as though it is not appropriately measured

because I measure my progress

through the change in the flow and the words

of my writing.

 

It has been so long since I poured my heart onto a page

for a total stranger to read,

but there is a comfort in it.

______________________________________

so there is a writing piece (finally)! :) 

how were your Christmases this year? mine was pretty great because it was also marking 3 weeks since i last cut myself :) i got some cool stuff and i got to see myself in published form!!

it was pretty exciting and right now i am reading it (it is my nano novel from this year) it isn't sold to the public, its just a proof copy and i have the only copy that will ever be made and sold sorry! maybe next year i will open it up to the general public. i also got this really cool caligraphy set from my almost boyfriend (if he doesn't ask me out in the next month i am going to go out with Lindsay - yes a girl, i am bisexual)

much love all!

~AT

Identical Twins - Oh So Different

I have two eyes,

two bright blue-grey eyes that show me everything I want to see,

and everything I don't.

 

These eyes give me grounds for opinions and imaginings

they give me a drive for artistic talent

and written words,

they are my foundation and I see through them in ways

that nobody else could.

 

I have two eyes,

both the same color and both the same size and shape,

they are identical twins,

but they see oh so differently.

 

Through one I see myself as

African American and Irish and Scottish and Native American and English,

I see myself as all of the races and ethnicities in this

oh so wide world

and through my other eye I see myself as

white and read headed and skinny and pretty,

everything that society and the world has taught me to see.

 

Together my eyes produce an image of me

that no one else could replicate,

I am the whole world mixed into one person

over decades of love and marriage and babies

and racial prejudice.

 

My relatives saw through their eyes the world

but the world didn't see them,

they weren't equals because they were different

in skin color and origins and riches and power,

but I see them all reflected in me,

their stories and history brought down through the ages

to this moment and this person,

and I can see it all with my two eyes,

identical twins,

but oh so different interpretations of the world around them.

________________________________________________

 

this just kinda came to me suddenly and i just had to write it down.

hope you liked it :)

Challenges

so this is going to be a quick one seeing as it is really late and i'm going to be painting the deck tomorrow and then maybe getting a new camera :)

i've been challenged to go a week without cutting and figured if i start today then the week will be over on my birthday and i'm going to be in camp for the whole week. i hope that's not considered cheating cause i'l be at camp (leaving early saturday morning) and i always have alot of fun there....

so what do you think?

post soon (hopefully)
~LITW

Uphill Decline

i.
Shouts & yells ringing through this broken home,
ringing in the innocent ears of young children,
told that they will never be anything
& that they are worthless, stupid
mistakes.
Told they are ugly & fat by a father
who could care less what they do
& when one found relief in her razor blades
he just yells some more about them being
attention whores & disgraces
& doesn't understand why she can't seem to stop
this slicing of her skin.

ii.
& then God found them & picked them up,
placing them on solid ground
& giving them the love that they'd always wanted & needed.
They were happy & carefree
because their father could not touch them anymore
& God shielded them from the harsh words
& even harsher hate,
but He knew that it wouldn't last for long
& that one would fall into Satan's trap
because she just felt so unloved & hated
& she knew that good things would never last.

iii.
So short a time she found God's relief & love,
it's sad to watch,
she fell away from her Father in Heaven
& went back to trying to please her father on earth
who didn't care about her at all.
Green Tea & Ice Cold Water became her food
& sustenance
as she starved herself to be skinny the way her father
wanted her to be
because she could only see how fat & ugly she was
& it warped her brain,
she enjoyed the hunger pains & headaches & tiredness
because she knew that for every meal she skipped,
she lost more weight & maybe would finally win some of her father's love.

iv.
So there she is wandering in endless circles,
first slicing her own skin
& then finding God's love,
only to fade away & starve to be skinny
so she can get her father's love & maybe be pretty in his eyes
at last.
She goes forward and backward,
uphill and downhill at the same time
because this life of hers (mine) is just so twisted & confusing.
& she (I) just can't seem to change.
________________________________________
this is a poem i wrote about my life and how i cut mysel for a long time because of my semi abusive dad (he only hits me sometimes, it's rare, but still counts - like during our fight on monday he hit me with the book i was reading (Wicked, really good, by the way) and now i have a bruised back and he flipped me over and hit me so hard that i got a bloody nose, he said sorry though, but he normally does that when he looses control) so it's how i cut because of my dad and then i went to this Christian conference and ended up accepting Jesus into my heart, but after about a month i went back to my old ways of trying to please my dad and this time it was by working out more and eating less because according to my dad i am FAT (which i have to agree with someimes) and then a month after that i went back to cutting again and now my life is just as bad as it was before i accepted Jesus and i'm pretty sure that he's left by now cause i would be scared shitless (pardon the language) to be with someone like me.

and that is my post of the day,

i'm going to my grandparents' cottage today and will be getting new running shoes for cross country afterwards. can't wait! i leave for camp at 7am on saturday! so excited!!!

~LITW

What I Don't Know

You don't want me anymore
(if you ever wanted me),
I'm not as stupid as you think I am,
give me some credit,
please?
I can see through these thin paper excuses
why you couldn't call or email or message me
about the team hanging out,
I can see that you didn't want me there
because nobody seems to want me anymore.
I know you're lying because my number isn't unknown,
you know it because I gave it to you
& you have my email,
I gave that to you too
& we are friends on facebook because
you added me,
when we were friends still,
before the rumors & lies reached you
& before you grew to realize that nobody wants me around,
the maniac ginger who cuts herself.
I know what it's like to be friendless

My family doesn't want me around either,
I can't say I'm surprised.
I'm not deaf ya know,
I can hear them talking about me at night
& when I try to spend time with my mom
she smiles & says she can't wait to spend time with her oldest
& then when she goes downstairs to my father I can hear her say;
"I don't want her to come,
I don't want her with me."
It's almost like she "forgets" that there is a vent downstairs that connects to my room upstairs & I can hear every word.
My dad doesn't even attempt to hide it,
constantly saying I'm worthless & stupid
& will never amount to anything because nobody wants me;
the annoying, talkative, somewhat bipolar kid
with mood swings that swing higher than playground swings.
I know what it's like to be hated by my family

God doesn't want me either,
even though they say in church that He loves everyone,
I can tell them one person he doesn't want with Him in Heaven
(if He or Heaven even exist)
me.
I try to do as the Bible says & I obey every command,
but it never works out & I'm always blamed by my fellow
"Christians"
who scorn my for my scars & chaotic thinking & hate me.
like everyone else.
I know what it's like to not be loved by a "loving" God

I know hate & disgust & friendless weekends & a loveless life,
what I don't know is why I still try.

(& people wonder why I cut & am so damn messed up)
___________________
this is one of my more depressing pieces, which u should start to expect more of in the next few weeks as i have relapsed back into cutting after not for about 2 solid months :( and it pissed me off that i went back to the blade and my writing tends to reflect my moods which right now are pissed, sad, depressed, and just lonely<--- (first 2 stanzas of this poem explain why)

~LITW

Celebration of Life

I've always said that when I die
I want my coffin to be blue,
my favorite color.
& people laugh at me,
saying they love my personality
& my love of life.
(they don't understand)

I do want my coffin to be blue,
light blue
like the sky on a warm summer's day.

Damn the black,
depressing stuff of ordinary funerals,
I want mine to be a party,
a celebration of my life
& my individualistic ways.

I want people to laugh,
not cry,
I want them to remember how I always can make people laugh,
even when they just want to cry
& how no matter the subject,
I always had some stupid joke that cracked everyone up
& left them laughing.

I want dogs to be at my funeral,
they don't have to be mine,
they just have to be there
because my dog lit up my darkest day
& I want them to light up the grave site where I lay,
I want everyone to laugh at them as they
romp around,
enjoying life just like I did.

& I don't want people to wear black during the service,
I want them to wear their brightest colors
& a smile on their faces
because I've dealt with sadness
& think it's stupid to morn me when I am in heaven,
with God,
having the time of my life
& I don't want to look down on my family & see them crying
'cause it would break my heart,
besides,
I've always thought crying at funerals is stupid
because funerals should be a celebration of their life
& not mourning them
'cause I'm never going to be gone,
as long as I have family & friends on earth.
(I will always be with them in their heart)

So celebrate my life,
don't mourn it.
____________________________
i wrote this after i watched a show where this kid died when he walked outside to his car and got stabbed in the back and i realized that life is short and u should just enjoy every day cause u never know if it is going to be your last. this is what i want my funeral to be like, i'm serious.

sorry about the depressingness :)

love you all!! comment please :)
~LITW

You

You promised to always be there,
ready to catch me when I fall
(& so far you have.)

You let me confess my secrets,
even when you already knew
because confession is good for the soul
(& you didn't judge me.)

You whispered words of love
in my ear
which had only ever heard shouting & curses
(& it made me smile.)

You sent wonderful breezes
to twist around my broken form,
making me whole
(& I laughed with glee.)
You filled me up in ways that nothing
else could
(& never left me.)

& I thank you 
__________________________________
the "You" i am talking about in this is God (FYI) and i wrote this yesterday and promised that i would put it on here and so i did cause i'm a woman of my word. and there you have it. i don't have time to do an actual blog about my life so i'm gonna do it tomorrow (maybe) if i can find the time (i'm going to be on the go for the whole day pretty much)

~LITW

Destruction of the Unknown

I've spent ages & ages trying & trying to feel like I belong
& every time I do
I always mess it up
like a child playing with play-dough when they figure;
this looks bad
except for them it is innocent destruction of something
they wanted to destroy
& they could care less,
but for me it is on purpose
because I fear the confrontation
& inexperience of my almost 15 years
that I try to hide behind knowledge of material things
& not things that matter
like relationships & love & laughter & freedom & life.

I pulled away from my would-be first kiss
'cause I thought that I would somehow do it wrong
& he wouldn't want me anymore
'cause I've never kissed (or been kissed) before,
& I skipped out of shopping with my "sista from anotha mista"
'cause I was afraid of her realizing
that I've never shopped before
'cause I was too caught up studying & reading & writing
about everything I didn't understand.

I've experienced love once or twice
& fled because I didn't understand this feeling,
short of breath & heart pounding & mind swirling
& I shut myself off & pretended that I didn't care that
nobody liked me anymore
'cause I was just a stuck up bitch
(or seemed to be.)

I flee from things I don't understand
& it prevents me from living a life fulfilled
with love & laughter & happiness
& I sometimes secretly wish that I could erase time
& go back to middle school where I first shut myself away,
holed up in my little shell.

If only someone would pry inside
& open me up to see the person I really am,
a girl afraid of things unknown
& wishing I could be brave enough to try. 
_________________________________________

Moving On

I've spent years & years
spilling out my secrets
with only 26 letters
& random punctuation
that wasn't always right,
but oh well,
I really didn't/don't
care.

I've long since given up
getting rid of the ink stains
under my fingernails
& the coffee stains on my notebooks
& accepted that this is who I am,
a writer.

I've finally given up searching
for myself
because I've found that I'm right here
& that searching for something that
is right in front of me is
pointless.

& I've finally let go of the pain
that led me to darkness
& found that the light is a much better place
to be.

I poured out my secrets
onto pages & pages of tattered notebook paper
& after years & years of secrets,
I've finally let go
& moved on.
__________________________________________

Half-Melted Chocolate & Vanilla Bean Ice Cream (Wonderful Memories)

When I think of you,
I think of warm summers
spent beach side with
half-melted chocolate &
vanilla bean ice cream,
(you never ate anything other than vanilla bean)
and we always used to
chase butterflies &
crickets in the field behind my house,
but we never caught anything,
not like we ever cared
because it was fun &
the grass was perfect for falling backwards into
& landing with soft "thuwumps"
& shrieking laughter
(it was the most beautiful thing I ever heard)

We used to watch clouds go by
& pick out shapes,
even making up a few &
I always went along because your ideas
were just
so
dang
good (& you were too)
& I told you my secrets
& you listened with open ears
because that's who you were
(an amazing person)
like sweet half-melted chocolate &
vanilla bean ice cream,
beach side on warm summer days
(sometimes I wonder where all that time went)

I saw my little sister
playing with you the other day &
was jealous
(what I wouldn't give to be 7 again)
& wished that I could be out there with you
laughing & talking & eating vanilla bean ice cream & half-melted chocolate
& for a moment I discarded reality &
joined you in the fields
for one last beautiful day
with vanilla bean ice cream & half-melted chocolate
before it all came back &
I had to be normal again,
because teenagers don't play with
imaginary friends
anymore.

Prayer

Dear God,

Give me the strength,
the strength
to get rid of this addiction;
razor blades slicing pale skin,
crafted by your
ever-capable hands.

Help me fight through
this day and the next,
help my to deny the devil's taunts and promises,
all so tempting,
and let me learn to love and trust
once again.

Speak through me to others,
struggling and fighting
to find stable ground,
to find light in this world of darkness,
use me to help spread Your word.

But most of all,
lead me and guide me in this world,
because now that I've found You
I can't seem to get enough
and can't seem to stop smiling
and shouting out about Your glory.

Thank You 

IDOL

I used to look up to you,
you were everything
I always wanted to be.

From your clothes
to your haircut,
I wanted to look the
same as you.
To a 5 (14) year old,
you were (are) a goddess.

I shadowed your footsteps
and I watched your every move,
intent on copying everything you did.

Not anymore,
you've done (and seen) things
I could only dream
(in my worst nightmares)
I don't want to be like you anymore,
your anorexic demons
scare me and sometimes I wish
that long ago I could have found the strength
to tell you how much I love you
and look up to you,
(maybe you wouldn't be where you are now if I had).

I once asked you for help
when I was facing my own demons,
a lust for steel slicing my skin
and your advice was good;
"find strength in your family,
they will always be there,
ready to help you through it all"
so why couldn't you follow your own advice?
Can't you see your beauty?
I envy it all,
the clothes and the hair and most of all...
your beauty,
so why can't you see it too?

I once looked up to you,
long ago and now it's all I can do
to look at your broken form,
so skinny your bones show through too pale skin
and I wish that you could one day see,
your beauty.

I still look up to you,
always will,
I just wish that there was someone there to
look up to
because now all I see
is a broken form,
once beautiful and now,
too skinny to stand.
(a broken idol)

I will always love you Jenny 
___________________

Princes and Frogs (Wishing for You Back)

You once asked me,
when we were laying underneath the dancing stars
and a never-waning moon,
"Why look for a prince,
when there are so many frogs?"
and I told you that I didn't know.
(still don't)

Years and years we've spent together,
"best friends till the end" we always said,
but who was to know that your prince would whisk you away
into another world,
taking you away from me?
He found you and you found him
amongst these frogs hopping in and out of our lives
and I saw you as happy for once,
all your wishes finally granted.
(I only wish they hadn't)

Left alone and abandoned,
waiting for my own prince
or maybe even a frog
because why should we look for a prince,
when there are so many frogs around us?
(still haven't found him)

Looking on and on as I watch you fade away
and I don't know if I ever want to find my prince
(or frog)
if he takes me away
like yours did you.
(can you see the pain I'm suffering, alone?)

Come back to me my best friend,
closest friend,
keeper of all of my secrets
deep and dark or not
do you think your prince would ever let you come back?
(I can only wish)

As I sit in front of the gray stone,
forever marking where your body now lays
and replace the wilted flowers all I have are memories
and I pray to God above
to keep you safe and wonder if you are happy up there,
in heaven with your prince.
(Jesus)

I miss you...

With 3 Dollars

With 3 dollars you can buy
a few candy bars
and maybe a soda.

With 3 dollars you can buy
a jug of milk
or a gallon of orange juice.

With 3 dollars you can buy
a cheap book or two
at a yard sale down the street.

With 3 dollars you can buy
some pencils and a notbook
at Big Lots or Hannafords.

With 3 dollars you can buy
relief from silver razor blades
that cut your pale skin.

I had 3 dollars once and I bought
relief because I'm stupid,
my life has never been the same since.
__________________________________

A Reflection In Her

Sometimes there is a moment when I am looking into my younger sister's chocolate brown eyes, the parallel to my own icy blue, and I see a reflection of a younger me,
a younger child who is just learning how easy it is to take only 26 letters and form them into words and sentences, bending them to my will because I am a writer. (she is a writer)

Sometimes I look at her perfectly straight brown hair, totally different from my slightly curled red and wonder if we are really related and then she will do something that will crush the doubt from my mind. Like when she told me one day that she was confused because when everybody else in her kindergarten class couldn't read or write, but she was already writing poems and everybody made fun of her. I held her for the first time since she was a baby that day and as she cried into my shoulder I smiled. (it happened to me too)

When I look at pictures of her as a younger child if I really try and ignore the hair and eyes I can see that she isn't just some kid off the streets, she's my sister. Yesterday she came home and fought with my dad and for the first time I saw him raise his hand to hit her and I jumped in front of him and for a brief moment I saw knowledge that some old men and women could never comprehend flash there and her smile wavered. When I looked back at pictures of me around that age I realized that I too had lost my smile around them. (I don't want her to lose hers)

At night when I kiss her softly on the forehead because our parents are to drunk to care I can feel something radiating off of her skin, something that feels like happiness and innocence, slowly slipping away. (she is so much like me)

So I wonder if she will ever find relief in a knife or starve herself to be beautiful and then I silently plead to a god I don't believe in to save her and not let anything ever happen to her. (I wish she could stay this innocent forever)

For someone who looks nothing like me, on the inside we are so much alike that it makes me realize that we are sisters, no matter how different we look because on the inside we are the same....
(I just hope she doesn't have to go through what I have)

Oh dear God,
I pray tonight
that you protect my sister
and don't let this cruel world get her
because she deserves to be happy
and innocent. 

In The End

i.
Six years of innocence coming to an oh-so-regretted end, destroyed by the knowledge of a new place to live and a family that is falling apart.
(this shouldn't be happening)
Nobody can see the pain in her bright blue (now dull gray) eyes, they can't seem to get through the walls she put up and the act she put on. At six years she shouldn't have to be acting, at six years she shouldn't have to hide the bruises that cover her arms and lose all the trust her once innocent mind could give.
(it's just wrong)
Watching her parents fight every night and her sisters cry in fear at the load voices that won't leave them alone. At six years she shouldn't have to be a mother.
(but she is)

ii.
Six years later, only twelve years of life have gone by, but already she has aged forty. Her dreams and reality are what many never could comprehend. She has more knowledge in her twelve year old mind that most do at sixty.
(I'd like to see them live through what she does)
Innocence has long since fled from razor blades that took her pain and dulled it into something more manageable, something that she could finally control. Friends had long since ran from her broken form,
(it is too frightening for them to comprehend)
Now all she has is her razor blades and screaming parents and the role of mother to her sisters that can't seem to understand that the cuts and scrapes on her arms aren't from their dog.
(then again, who would expect them to?)
Parents continue to scream and idolized cousins fall to anorexic demons as she falls to her own demons, screaming at her from the razor blades in her pockets. Family is falling apart and so she has nothing to fall on anymore.
(except her razor blades)

iii.
At fourteen she has already considered suicide once or twice and her razor blades have become permanently tattooed into her pale, virgin arms. Friendship and trust are just fairy tales to her.
(who could believe after what she goes through?)
Demons have taken over her life and now she is falling into them because her sisters can live without her now and she doesn't know where to turn so she starves herself hoping her father won't yell at her anymore and cuts herself to dull the pain of everyday life that she shouldn't have to even think about.
(don't you agree?)
She thought she found love once, but it turned on her like everything else in her life and she was left once again. Reality crushed her as her only happiness walked away from her with no turning back because he didn't get what it was like to really care about someone.
(little did he realize how much she needed him)

iv.
She doesn't care anymore fighting for eight years is tiring and she is giving up hope slowly because there is nobody there to catch her as she falls into the depths of your darkest imaginings. Neglected for her whole life she doesn't know how to love or trust anymore and as she fades away from this world she can hear the sirens screaming and realizes at last that there was someone the whole time who cared for her, she only had to look...
(I only had to look)

v.
Help given and now I am finally alive, and the demons have fled from the love that I never knew I could give...
(a happy ending for a sad story)

Endlessly Bound

i.
Small pills sitting on a table,
waiting to be consumed.
Medicine for your mind,
calming you and making
the depression go away,
even though you secretly want it.

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills"
and lock me in your institutions,
'cause I don't care.
Let me increase the cuts on my
arms by a hundred 'n two,
go on and make me,
'cause I don't care.

ii.
White, padded rooms and straight jackets
are my home now,
razor blades are few.
Food is shoved down my throat
along with those pills,
that "medicine".

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills"
and lock me in your institutions,
'cause I don't care.
Let me increase the cuts on my
arms by a hundred 'n two,
go on and make me,
'cause I don't care.

iii.
Keep on trying to keep me sane,
drug me all you will
cause my mind is still my own
and you can't take it away.
Someday I will get my revenge
on those who did this
to me,
but for now I will play
your sick and twisted games.

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills"
and lock me in your institutions,
'cause I don't care.
Let me increase the cuts on my
arms by a hundred 'n two,
go on and make me,
'cause I don't care.

iv.
The other night I saw it all
as the girl across the hall
broke and ended it all,
I wished to be her
to escape this world,
but I am stuck here
in this padded room and
binding straight jacket.

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills"
and lock me in your institutions,
'cause I don't care.
Let me increase the cuts on my
arms by a hundred 'n two,
go on and make me,
'cause I don't care.

I will always hate you

Harder and Harder We Try

Laughing faces surround me and press down on me,
suffocating me and working at what they do best
destroying innocence


Some days I wish for that young, childhood innocence
that left me all too soon,
fled from razors blades and hunger pains,
half hearted attempts
at beauty.
It's never coming back,
what's lost,
is indeed lost,
it's not coming back and I,
we,
can never get it back
no matter how hard we fight to right these wrongs
that we created ourselves.

Rooms of people trying to get the help they need,
but these razor blades won't go away
and the innocence is lost forever.
Talk all you will,
dream for a better tomorrow,
it will never come.
Grace yourselves into my presence,
cry out for the help that only I can give,
the hope that lurks at the edge of every dark cloud.

Give up those razor blades and hunger pains,
let me comfort your broken form.
Because I can restore your innocence,
I can take all of this endless pain
away from these broken forms
made this way because of this cruel world
that doesn't dare to admit that relief
is all it thirsts for,
relief and peace.

Fight me everyday because you are too afraid
to leave this earth forever and
to take with you the memories of a better life
and the hope that lurked at the edge
of every dark cloud.
you can get better


So drop those razor blades
and eat that whole entire plate sitting in front of you,
taunting you,
you can give up this stubbornness
and let your friends help you out of this
deep hole that you have dug yourself,
causing innocence to flee
and knowledge that one so young
shouldn't have came running.

Let me comfort you,
let me restore a bit of innocence,
let me give you hope.
Keep on fighting for the ones you love
who love you back,
I did.
i am just like you


So just keep trying,
we are too...

Not As It Seems

If I took off my sweatshirt
right now,
underneath the watching moon,
what would you see?

Would you see the permanent
scars that lace up my
arms like permanent tattoos
as scars that I created
because I am a cutter?

Or would you see
the pain that caused them,
the echoing laughter
that was directed
at me?

Would you see my
bony arms as those
of an anorexic
who only thirst to be
beautiful?

Or would you hear
the yells of an angry father
who never saw me
as beautiful,
no matter how skinny,
no matter how hard I tried?

So what would you see?