i am not my name

it feels like my name is not my name,

not anymore.

i've lost it in my constant twirling,

whirling,

swirling

of thoughts and words,

what i once was and will never be

again.

it once felt right to think of myself,

defined by a name that i did not pick,

did not choose after months of deliberation and late nights

watching tv shows for inspiration

while drinking luke warm coffee

and watching fireflies in the arms of a lover, husband, friend.

now i can't see myself as more than this something,

this someone,

defined by a name that has been lost

in the words that i have tried so hard to define myself with

because i had nothing left to question,

but everything to wonder.

because i am no longer this person,

no longer this girl with blue eyes and red hair and countless smiles.

i am not the one you have defined by a name, by a thousand and two labels.

i am late nights watching fireflies and drinking luke warm coffee,

blue skies and sunsets of purple and pink and orange,

rainy days and rainbows filling the open sky,

questions and answers,

thoughts and imaginings.

i am words and letters and sentances and paragraphs,

but never a whole story

because my story has not been written,

yet.

i am a lover and the one they love,

the pulsing of two hearts against each other and the lingering smokey breath in cold winter air.

i am the ocean waves and the calm lakes,

the hunter and the hunted,

the fixer and the breaker.

i am all these things.

and i am more.

i am not the one you have defined,

can't you see?

this name is not mine because my name has not been written

in the dust and the dirt and the mud of this earth,

my name has not been spoken by the lips of the people of this world,

yet.
______________________

yep, i'm back!!! [with a new name and everything]
i missed posting so much and i'm going to do my best to post more often okay? :)