salty sea green eyes

her eyelashes were sprinkled with dew-drop tears

that sparkled in the morning sun like diamonds

as her evergreen eyes gazed up into a far away place

where her dreams and long ago aspirations hid themselves

from her shattered heart and empty sea eyes.

 

once she was as full as the ocean and her eyes sparkled

in the middle of the night like stars

and her face was the moon,

but then the valve on her heart broke and she accidentally poured out

all of her salty sea green love

onto an empty beach and the stars in her eyes died,

her beautiful moon face no longer saw the beautiful light

in quiet darkness.

 

_______________________________________________

 

WHOOT!! somehow I found the time to write something while being loaded down with homework and a job! :) 

 

I'm kinda worried about how I will be able to do everything during the winter when I have nordic skiing, but I'll deal with that when it comes. 

 

also, I've lost 4 more pounds! 14 total since I started trying to lose weight! 

soldier's wife

she could feel the leaf brush against her face and she thought of

his breathe whispering against her ear;

telling her all of his secrets and his lies and the

truths that he had hidden for so long, but relenquished to her

ever-waiting ears with her head on his shoulder and his arms around her

and their bodies pressed together, fitting together like

two puzzle pieces that were a perfect match.

 

but now the only thing that her body was pressed against

was the cold tree, bark digging into her back through her light jacket

that let the wind cut right through to her bones making her shiver, making her

feel cold all the way through her body

like her bones had been frozen once again, brought back to the

brittle fragileness that they had been before him, before he

came along and began to thaw her out,

make her warm again.

 

her eyes were hard, the sparkle they had when she

was held in his arms next to the tree that was now the only thing

keeping her standing

was gone

and she refused to shed a tear, refused to look down at the letter

crumpled in her hand that told her that the man she loved, the only person

in the world who had been her perfect match,

was gone.

forever.

killed in battle, fighting bravely for his country and

her,

killed far away from home, far away from her arms

and now she was alone next to the tree that once was

their place;

where they had their first kiss, where he proposed, where she told him she was

pregnant with his child just two days before he was deployed, where they said

goodbye and he promised to come home soon to her and their child.

 

but now he wasn't ever coming home, he would never meet his

newborn son and she would never feel his arms around her again.

 

so she leaned against the tree that had their initials carved on a

low-hanging branch, encased in a heart that was supposed to mean

that their love would last

forever,

and she looked up at the cloudy sky and promised him

that she would tell their son about his brave daddy who was

an amazing man and loved them both more than anything, loved them

so much that he was willing to give his life to ensure their safety and freedom.

 

because she would never forget him and she would always love him, always

be waiting for the day when they would be reunited again

in heaven.

the magical place with a piece of my heart

i miss the palm trees and the sound of ocean waves late at night
when the stars were shining in the cloudless sky
and i miss the balcony that i would slip out onto in the middle of the night
so that i could see the stars and the ocean waves and the moonlight
because everything felt so much more real there, felt so much more
alive than back in my home nestled between the mountains.

i fell in love with the ocean breeze and the sun and the moonlight,
but most of all;
i fell in love with the palm trees and the warmth that seeped into my
cold, pale skin and how the sun made me a little less pale and made my hair
a little less red, lightened by the small blonde streaks that showed themselves
after whole days laying out on the beach with the people that i never seem to get
enough time to bond with, the people who are part of my life forever and in those
days on the beach i felt like we were finally all together,
falling in love with everything around us;
as a family.

it was in that place that i first fell in love with something other than
the willow tree behind my house or the way the sun sets behind the mountains, it was
the place where my heart felt full and happy and content, the place where
i left a little of me behind so that some day i would go back to the
palm trees and the ocean breeze and the moonlight and the sunshine
so when i got home i made a promise to myself that i would go back, i would travel
all the way across the US to the magical place that holds a piece of my heart,
and i would bring my family with me.

note: this is about a family trip i took last summer to san diego, california [we were technically just outside of san diego in carlsbad] and i immediately fell in love with it. sometimes i feel a little weird loving a place so much, but i do and i want more than anything to go back with my family sometime. i'm actually planning on going somewhere in southern california for college.

deaf songbird sing

she only sings when nobody else can hear her,
like the lone tree that falls in a forest with no one
around to notice the sound,
and sometimes she wonders if she is really making
something worthwhile emerge from her lips, something
that maybe someone will call beautiful.

her whole world is a sound-proof box
that keeps the sound out and silence in as she
motions with her hands to speak and watches with
her eyes to listen, but sometimes she will
open her mouth like a songbird and sing without
knowing what her song sounds like, without knowing
if it is beautiful.

sound has never been heard by her ears
and sometimes she wonders if it exists, wonders
if the words she thinks she is humming
are even leaving her lips because she is too afraid
of disappointment to ask with her hands
if she can make a beautiful sound with her lips.

lasts

there are so many lasts;

last songs

last kisses

last steps

last smiles

last gifts

last words

last breaths

last heartbeats

 

and i don't think i really noticed until you and i had our lasts;

last gift

last hug

last kiss

last words

in the last moments of the last time that i saw you until you took your

last breath and your heart beat one last time and you died with your last smile

still shining on your face.

 

you see, i miss you more everyday and i thought that it might

not hurt so much a year later, but it does

and i can't help but cry at night as i hold the last gift you gave me;

a bright yellow stuffed animal duck named ducky because i thought that

your pool cleaner was a duck when really it was a turtle

and that was the last time we laughed together.

 

when we had our last laugh together and our last words

i didn't know they were going to be our last

and when i said goodbye to you that night i meant it as

"goodbye i'll see you next summer when i turn 16"

not

"goodbye forever i'll see you in heaven"

and when you said goodbye to me it was the same, but i think

that you might have known that our hugs and kisses would be

our last and that those words would be the last we spoke together

and that stuffed animal duck named ducky would be the last gift you gave me.

 

its a little over a year later and i keep thinking about our lasts

and think about how everyone has their lasts and wonder

what my lasts are going to be.

_____________________________________________

 

this is dedicated to my aunt who passed away a little over a year ago. i miss her so much.

paper-thin

she has this obsession, this unwavering desire
to become so paper-thin that her skin is just a thin layer stretched
across her brittle bones
because she wants to be as breakable on the outside
as she is on the inside
and she wants to be beautifully paper-thin like the girls that
seem to have everything tucked into the small back pocket
on their size 00 jean shorts.

she wants to be like the girls in their bikinis
that stretch out their beautifully thin bodies across
warm sand on california beaches with eyes closed, pretending
that they don't notice the gaze of the teenaged boys walking by
because she isn't noticed by anyone but her best friend who isn't even real,
just a figment of her imagination that never faded away
when she reached high school and realized that nobody wanted
to be friends with the fat girl.

and look at her now, look at her brittle bones and skin stretched
paper-thin across them as she starves herself for that perfect image
in her mind that, to her, is
perfection.

love drunk

i'm so lovesick i'm wasted,

with a pounding headache and an uneasy stomach

and i think that i might have just drank a little too much

last night when i was with you, you are my

alcohol.

[and i know that isn't really a compliment, but i can't help it

because that is what you are and always will be you see, you and me

are something that doesn't fit together like teenagers

and alcohol, you make me sick like beer on a friday night at a frat party

without even trying and i think that i just might be addicted.]

 

and i'm hungover from all of the love

that i was drinking last night when i was with you and you

didn't even look at me once, didn't even bother to say a simple "hello"

and i went home and cried myself to sleep because it hurt so much,

my eyes were bloodshot and empty and when i woke up i thought that maybe

you really are my alcohol because, damn, i looked

drunk.

[i acted drunk too, my speach was slurred and my legs unsteady

and everyone thought that maybe i did drink, maybe the good little christian girl

actually did go to a party and get drunk,

i wouldn't tell them that they were wrong.]

 

its funny because when i got home that night, smelling like beer

and pot smoke my mother didn't even notice and i think it might have been

because i didn't smell like beer or pot smoke,

i smelt like you,

my drink of choice and i spent another night with a headache and a stomach

that decided it didn't want anything in it anymore

while my mother joined my father in front of the tv and they cuddled,

nestled their bodies together and i knew that one time

she got drunk off him too and i wonder if he knows and i think he just might

because, damn, their marriage is like a wall of unbreakable diamond.

[i'm afraid that i am always going to be stuck in a life where i go out

to friday night frat parties and get drunk on you,

feel so lovesick that i'm wasted and make everyone think that maybe, just maybe

i am actually drunk.]

 

and its funny how i think about us in metaphors because

they are unreal and we are unreal and this world keeps telling me

to go get drunk, but i don't know how much real alcohol my body can handle

if it can barely handle

you.