Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Embrace of Who I Am

I am
(or was)
I am am homosexual,
so does that make me afraid
of myself?
I used to look at guys
and wonder why I never
found them appealing,
even when the hormones kicked in,
and spent whole nights denying
that when a beautiful girl
brushed against me
I got shivers and my heart skipped a beat.
I spent days and weeks and months
convincing myself that I
wasn't who I am
(a lesbian)
and I would cut myself
for punishment because this
attraction isn't right,
it's sinful.
But when I stopped
believing in God and accepted
who I am,
the cutting stopped
and I embraced the truth;
This homophob is a lesbian.
Life is hilarious, isn't it?
yes this poem is true...
to an extent.
the cutting hasn't stopped (it did and then there was this whole thing with youth group and a lady there -very nice- who yelled at me for not believing in God, long story and so i started cutting again)
but i am a lesbian. i guess this is kinda my "coming out" except you don't live around me or have met me in person and it is online so i don't know if it counts or not... 
i'm too afraid to tell my parents because my dad has been pissed off a lot lately (he almost kicked me out again and he did leave a small bruise where he grabbed me and shoved me against a wall, he did say sorry though, so its all good) 
i finally have accepted it though, for the last year or so i have been denying it, but now i believe that i am ready to face the truth that i am lesbian (or maybe bi, not sure, but i am defiantly not straight i can say that much)

and that is what has been going on with me the last week or so. 

i'm thinking of getting music on this blog, what do you think??


Monday, September 20, 2010

guys are idiots :(

sorry i haven't posted in forever. i knew once school started that it would be harder and harder to post as frequently as i was posting and i was right, it is just so hard to post because i am so busy. however, now i am posting (sorry but no writing for today i just want to vent)

so i've only had one boyfriend and i broke up with him because my friends told me i should and pressured me into it and i still love/d him. i never really got over him and had never ever kissed a guy before and i was waiting for the right guy and the right moment. well i was at this concert on saturday night and he was there with his band and we hung out after they opened the show. his girlfriend had been being a bitch and he was going to break up with her later that night and we were hanging out and i told him about how i still loved him and he said the same about me. so he said he would break up with his girlfriend because she was being a bitch and he wanted to be with me, which made me really really happy. and then he kissed me. my first kiss and it was really sweet and perfect and then i didn't cut that night (ya, it got worse when school started i've been cutting at least twice a day every day) and so i didn't cut that night because i was so incredibly happy. i saw him the next night and nothing happened between us. he just wanted to be friends and had never broken up with his girlfriend. she broke up with him later that night and he went on and on about how broken hearted he was and never even looked at me. it turns out that he was just using me to get revenge. i feel so stupid right now and broken hearted. i'm actually surprised that i haven't cut yet, i guess i just am so shocked and sad and mad right now.

in other news; i got tested for allergies/asthma today and i have both and i'm allergic to dogs :( *gasp* my doggy is my best friend! luckily i told my mom i would be really pissed if she and my dad sold him. so he is staying with us for now.

another thing;
so my favorite aunt is dying of a rare type of cancer and there is nothing else that they can do for her and she isn't ever going to get better :( and the last time i saw her she was in remission and we went to the zoo and i bought her this frog necklace (her fav animal) and she told me to keep it to remember her. that was 3 years ago and i had worn that necklace every day. i took it off for a cross country meet on saturday and it fell out of my bag and my coach wouldn't let me run back and get it. it is gone forever now and i cried for about an hour after i originally lost it. now i can feel its missing weight and it makes me sad and i just want to cry.
only a few of my friends know about it and told me that my aunt wouldn't want me beating myself up about it, but its all i can seem to do. :(

in short this weekend has been the worst ever and this has been my longest post ever too.

i wish life wasn't so damn depressing!!! makes me want to jump off a bridge. anything has got to be better than this.