Thursday, October 29, 2015

I'm terrified about 100% of the time.
If I eat food I stay up thinking about how I should go for a run or workout, but then I can't because I just don't have the motivation to move at the end of the day: all of my energy goes into classes and my jobs and sorority stuff.  I don't want to shower, I don't want to eat, I just don't want to do anything.

Sunday, September 27, 2015


So, it has been several months since my last post and in that time I've begun my junior year of college, decided to stop playing Quidditch, gotten a new phone, oh, and joined a sorority.  Trust me, its not something I ever expected to be doing, but my life has led to this and now I'm a member of Alpha Chi Omega (well, almost, it will be official in November).

I feel like that was information that was needed before the following story:
Last night was the annual toga party that a fraternity on my campus does and, of course, now being a member of a sorority, it was kind of expected that I go.  I'm not going to lie, I was a bit excited, but was also terrified because I haven't been to a party since my freshman year and everything happened with my swim teammates.  But I pushed my fear aside and went with my new sisters, something that I honestly don't think I would have been able to do before this last year because I really have come really far from last fall.  I was proud of myself and at first the party was okay but really boring because there weren't many people there and (too be completely honest) the music sucked (this didn't change at all unfortunately), but people slowly started to show up and the party picked up.  The only reason I agreed to go (apart from spending time with my sorority and meeting frat boys) was because I knew it would be a dry party, no alcohol, which made me feel more comfortable.  Unfortunately there happened to be a party down the street with alcohol, which is where a lot of people went to get drunk before going to the toga party and as people started showing up at the party, the smell of beer got stronger and I started feeling really uncomfortable.  It didn't help that I kinda felt ignored by the frat guys who knew all of the girls I was with and didn't say anything to me unless directly introduced.  So about an hour and a half into the party I told a girl I was with that I was heading back to the sorority house because I was done partying.  I think my face revealed a bit of my anxiety and discomfort because a girl commented on how pissed off I looked to one of her friends as they were entering the party and I was leaving.  I made it back to the house okay, but there was nobody home to answer the door and I rang the doorbell a million times and pounded on the door, but no answer.  So, naturally, I sat on the front step and waited for someone to get home and let me in so I could change out of my toga, get my stuff, and head home.  After about 10 minutes of waiting I tried ringing the doorbell again just in case someone had come in through the back door, but no answer, and, long story short; ended up crying in my purple toga on the front step of the sorority house having an anxiety attack.  I guess the guys at Tiffin messed me up more than I thought, I don't know if I'm going to be able to enjoy any parties ever again because I just can't be around boys that smell like alcohol.  Don't worry though, I did end up getting let into the house (by the house mom, who found me sobbing on the doorstep and looked extremely concerned, but I just told her I wanted to get my things and go home and that I would be fine).  Luckily as I was leaving I ran into two girls who ended up giving me a ride home (I bike everywhere so I was going to have to bike back to my apartment at a little past midnight) and one of them texted me after dropping me off and told me to let her know if I needed anything.  They were both super nice and I feel so bad for the house mom (who was also very nice).

Apart of me hopes that someday I'll be able to talk about what happened to me at Tiffin with someone other than my best friend (I mean, she is so great, but I feel like I need to work through it and stop hiding it so much).  I've got to admit to someone that my own teammates relentlessly sexually harassed me, one tried to rape me, and after that night the sexual harassment got worse.  It angers me and I still have that thought in the back of my mind that I'm going to run into those guys and I don't know what I would do, I've run through so many different scenarios in my head, but I'm just hoping I never see any of them again.  I wish I'd reported them instead of hiding and feeling like it was my fault.

I'm excited for the future though, I can't wait to see what happens this year in terms of my recovery and also with the sorority I've joined.  I've got so much to look forward to, it is such a nice feeling to have and so different from feeling so determined there is nothing in my future that living is just a waste of time, I love the feeling of loving being alive.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

I did it.

I'm pretty sure that there isn't anyone who actually reads this, but it is nice to think that there might be one person who likes to keep up on my thoughts and read some of my writing drabbles, its a bit therapeutic to be honest. I've kept up this blog for longer than any journal throughout my life and while the dates are all over the place and I don't post regularly, I still post every now and then and I'm proud of that. I love this blog and I love seeing how long I've had it and reading my writing to see how much I've changed. I've been more open on this blog than with most people in my life and I like to see how my struggles have shaped me as a person.

Reading what I've just written, it kind of seems like a goodbye or a closing post, but I promise (to anyone who may be reading) that it is not.

I think I'm finally getting better. My demons are still sitting on the back burner, they are still there and I expect that they always will be, darkness never truly leaves, even on the sunniest days there are still shadows. Yet, they are just that now, just shadows, which is a lot more manageable. This realization came on the bus today when I was thinking about the fact that I haven't had an urge so strong I had to fight to resist it in a few months, which is a huge change from the last 7 years of my life. But it isn't the decrease in strong urges (and note that I say strong urges, there have still been urges, but I was able to overpower them and move on) that has clued me into my progress. Yesterday was my first day at a new job at a pizza place down the street from my apartment and I put on the uniform and worked and wasn't afraid. You see, the uniform is a short-sleeved shirt and when I reported to work yesterday, I realized as they handed me the uniform that I had forgotten to bring a long sleeved shirt to go underneath it to cover my scars.  Now, I couldn't just walk out, I had to put on that uniform and go to work, regardless of the scars on my forearms. And I did. I worked and finished my first shift exhausted, but proud because I wasn't paralyzed with a crippling fear of my scars being out in the open, it was the opposite, I actually forgot they were there. In September I started playing for the Quidditch team at my college (as you know) and I've been consistent about playing in short sleeve shirts, even at tournaments when I would come into contact with people I didn't know. This, in itself, was a big step for me because I always had the hardest time with my scars being seen by anyone.  When I was swimming at my old college I would hold my arms until I slipped into the pool in an attempt to hide them and I was never comfortable with them out around my teammates, but in these last few months I was getting comfortable with them very slowly and beginning to wear short sleeves to practices and then to tournaments without even thinking twice about it or worrying. I didn't realize how much more comfortable I was getting with them until yesterday though.  When I was 16 I was in patient for a week (I'm pretty sure I mentioned it just after it happened on this blog) and was told that I would never be able to get a job if people saw my scars, which created a lot of insecurity for me in the workplace because I didn't want my scars to be seen by anyone at work and every job I've worked up to this point I did my best to make sure that I always wore long sleeves and never rolled them up or let them slip, but last night I worked an entire shift in short sleeves and wasn't even afraid. I'm on my way to overcoming my last battle with my demons - the battle of acceptance. And I don't think I've ever been so proud of myself.

So I don't know if anyone keeps up with this blog, but if anyone does, I'd just like to raise an internet toast - a toast to recovery and the long process it entails, but the pride with each small step towards finally being able to say: I did it.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Untitled (the pain is the worst at night)

He waited.

He waited for the day that he wouldn't get into trouble -
not realizing that it didn't matter if he waited
a few days longer so that if he happened to get caught,
he wouldn't be placed on a sex offender registry -
I would always be too afraid to say anything
and you can't get into trouble if nobody rats you out.

I didn't rat him out.
It didn't matter that my life became twisted,
dark and secret and filled with shame
because he had waited for my 18th birthday
to bestow upon me the so called gift that he
should have known was wrong because he felt the need
to wait.

Waiting is a sign of guilt.
He was unsure.
It was the others that pushed him to do that thing
which they joked about for weeks leading up to that moment -
that moment at that party that was supposed to be for me,
but I wasn't drinking.

He was.

They say that alcohol will knock down the walls
that keep guilt and shame in place -
I learned that to be true all too quickly,
as he had just enough to get a small buzz and we were talking
alone -
my biggest mistake.

Never be alone,
never let yourself be found screaming on the floor
with a barely buzzed hot dude on top of you,
fumbling at the clasp on your belt and slipping his hand
into places where it should not be -

The door opened.

I ran.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Are these desires to demanding?

I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up,
accidentally rolling over onto you and laughing as my hand
in your face wakes you up with a sleepy smile
because you want to be asleep and awake next to me too.

I want to talk until its too late to talk,
but to keep talking anyway because coffee
is the reason we stay awake in our early morning classes
after we can't help but spend past midnight
discussing anything and everything -
it isn't a fairytale so there are no time limits,
but I want it to feel like it is one.

I want you to be gentle, understanding
of my past with its darknesses
because I will do my best to understand yours
and respect them,
hoping you respect mine too.

But, more than anything, I just want you to love me
and not lie to me about anything
as we spend our nights together and wake up
in the mornings with sleepy smiles
because we both feel so lucky that the other is
waking up next to us.

Monday, January 19, 2015

The End of a Friendship Era

So I've gotten to a point where I have a friend who I'm starting to realize is bringing me down more than she is building me up.  We've spent a lot of time together in the last few months, but after this last weekend I've started looking at our friendship and realizing that it is really toxic for me, which kind of sucks if I'm being completely honest.  The two of us have a lot of mutual friends that I'm worried will take her side if we were to have a friendship break, but I kind of need it for my mental sanity.  I love them all to pieces, but I guess I would know if they are really good friends if they understand my reasons and accept that I just can't be friends with this one person anymore.  I'm trying to get better and she is making things worse.  I'm constantly having to do things for her and work around her and I can't do that, I have other friends and I want to do other things with them, but she doesn't like them and its like I'm expected to take her side with everything and I'm honestly not on her side.  And then things kind of came to a head this weekend at a Quidditch tournament that our team went to (she is on my Quidditch team), when she spent the entire time being really flirty with the guy that I've liked on my team for the last 5ish months.  She knows that I like him and I even took her aside a few different times this last weekend asking her to stop, but she kept doing it and it really hurt.  It just feels like she was stabbing me in the back and I know she is a bit of a slut, but I didn't think she would start going for the guy I've been obviously head over heals for for months now.  When I got back earlier today I was talking about the situation with my roommate (who I love to pieces) and she was a little pissed about the situation.  She was saying how wrong it is that this friend is expecting all of these things from me and then going after the guy I've liked for awhile and was completely honest with me saying that she doesn't think this friendship is good for me.  I'm going to talk to one of this friend and I's mutual friends and explain the situation, but I honestly don't think I can do this friendship anymore.  It kind of sucks, but I need to do what's right for me.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

One step forward, two steps back.

You know that saying: "One step forward, two steps back"?  Well, that's kind of how my life feels like right now.  I don't know if it is an indication that I'm finally starting the true process of recovery because I've found people worth fighting for, or if its just because my life has always been that way, but that is how it is right now - now, more than ever.  And I'm getting to the point where I want my life to turn around, for real this time, so that I can stop taking these backwards steps whenever I'm starting to feel good again.  Today my roommates and I got pizza and I ate two slices and two breadsticks, something that is completely against my disorder and I've paid the price for it.  It felt so good going down into my stomach, to have warm food inside me, and to force myself not to care, but then I started caring again.  I can only escape my darkest parts of me for moments.  While I did not throw it up, my stomach feels so bloated and I feel like I've lost control and I know that tomorrow I'm probably not going to eat anything because I will feel so guilty for the gluttony of today.  I wonder if I will ever truly overcome these monsters that are consuming me inside.  The anxiety is getting to new levels and my moods feel all over the place.  My friends here are saying that I seem so much happier now, after returning from break, but I know that it is only momentary.  This will not last for long.  The last few days I've been able to eat, but I feel as though I'm losing control again and I'm afraid of getting fat and gaining weight.  I'm finally starting to get close to my goal weight and I just need to get there so badly.  I've never really talked on here in depth about my eating issues, but it was honestly because I didn't notice them until I was in therapy this last week and the subject was brought up.  I'd never thought that maybe my anxiety stemmed from my relationship with food that has slowly been getting worse over the years, but it makes sense.  I was sent on my way with some homework for the next week - to be more aware of how I feel around food and my thoughts while I'm eating, it has only been a few days, but I've already begun to notice a few things that I'd never noticed before.  I guess its true what they say about these things sneaking up on you gradually, you don't even notice them at first.  It is a good thing I'm noticing it now.
But, anyway, sometimes it feels like I start to make these great advances forward to only fall back farther than I was before the great advance and that terrifies me a little bit.  I want to get better, I have reasons to fight now that I didn't have before and I'm almost halfway to my basis goal of 100 days without self harm.  I think that I need to start reaching out more and letting people know that I'm not okay and that I need help.  I need to be able to build my support system little by little so that my moments of weakness can be fought through and not bring me back so far.  I have been taught to be a fighter and I guess now is the time to find out how hard I'm willing to fight.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Short Little Drabble

So next weekend there is this Quidditch tournament that my team is going to and I'm legit so terrified for it, but I'm trying not to let it show.  Inside I'm freaking out because we are going to be playing this really good team and everyone is being so negative and I feel so much pressure to do well at my position, but the guy who I usually partner with might be playing a different position and I just don't even know what to do.  Just thinking about it makes my heart pick up and I want to puke and I can't breathe.  Ugh.  I wish I could be honest with my teammates about it, but I can't.  And I just don't feel confident playing my position so that doesn't really help.  I feel like I only get playing time because I'm the only girl at my position with any experience at this point.  Rawrg.  I need more confidence.  I also need to not have such bad anxiety.  I really want to burn right now.  Like, so bad, but we are going to the beach so I can't really do it because I'll be wearing a bikini so I don't have anywhere for it to be hidden that I like to burn.  Unless I were to do it just once, but I don't have that kind of self control.  Again: rawrg.

My life is so fucked.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Ideas and Moving Out

So, last night I was up late after making the decision to drink an entire cup of tea at midnight (boy did I need to pee after that) and I had a bit of an idea.  When I was in Maine last weekend I bought a new journal at Barnes & Noble and have been trying to decide what I want to do with it and I think I've come up with an idea.  Last night when I was awake I ended up opening it and writing a poem in it after reading some post on either twitter or Facebook that was directed at one of my captains for Quidditch.  The post inspired a poem directed at that captain and I titled it "To [insert captain's name here]" - this is then where I got a bit of an idea burst and I think I'm going to do it: use this journal to write poems that are kind of like letters to members of my team.  Each poem will be directed at different members of the team and I will slowly build this journal with poetry that reflects my feelings about my teammates and friends in Quidditch.  Then, in the incident where it where to be found or read (which I really would hate), it wouldn't be as bad and then they would know how I feel.  It also would help get my thoughts off of my chest too.  I mean, I'll probably write more than just poems directed at my teammates in there, but that will be the majority of them (at least for now).  I think this will be really great for me to get my feelings off of my chest in a healthy way and not do anything super stupid.

In terms of life stuff I go back to school on Tuesday and classes start on Wednesday.  I'm looking forward to this next semester and I really hope that everything goes well.  Hopefully we will be starting up with practices right away so that I can see my teammates and interact with the captain that I still feel like things are a bit spotty with.  I need to see where we stand.  I'm excited for my classes (hopefully my textbooks will get here on time because I didn't order them until two days ago and most of them probably won't get here until Friday, which may cause issues with homework and such) and I also am hoping to be able to get a job and find an apartment with my friends.  Yep, I'm moving out to an apartment with some friends this summer and staying out in Utah for good.  There are a lot of reasons why I ended up reaching this decision, but I don't feel the need to talk about them, I'm just excited to officially move out and live on my own.  It is going to be scary, but I have faith that it is going to work out just fine.