Thursday, May 27, 2010

Endlessly Bound

i.
Small pills sitting on a table,
waiting to be consumed.
Medicine for your mind,
calming you and making
the depression go away,
even though you secretly want it.

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills"
and lock me in your institutions,
'cause I don't care.
Let me increase the cuts on my
arms by a hundred 'n two,
go on and make me,
'cause I don't care.

ii.
White, padded rooms and straight jackets
are my home now,
razor blades are few.
Food is shoved down my throat
along with those pills,
that "medicine".

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills"
and lock me in your institutions,
'cause I don't care.
Let me increase the cuts on my
arms by a hundred 'n two,
go on and make me,
'cause I don't care.

iii.
Keep on trying to keep me sane,
drug me all you will
cause my mind is still my own
and you can't take it away.
Someday I will get my revenge
on those who did this
to me,
but for now I will play
your sick and twisted games.

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills"
and lock me in your institutions,
'cause I don't care.
Let me increase the cuts on my
arms by a hundred 'n two,
go on and make me,
'cause I don't care.

iv.
The other night I saw it all
as the girl across the hall
broke and ended it all,
I wished to be her
to escape this world,
but I am stuck here
in this padded room and
binding straight jacket.

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills"
and lock me in your institutions,
'cause I don't care.
Let me increase the cuts on my
arms by a hundred 'n two,
go on and make me,
'cause I don't care.

I will always hate you
_________________________________
i wrote this song last night after i had a particularly exciting time with  my mom at the gym and then got home and was forced to take my depression meds (let me tell you, it isn't fun, i hate to take them) so i fought with my mom and then i ended up running into my room with the intention of cutting myself, but then i just wrote this song instead cause i've made it through 2 1/2 weeks of not cutting which is a long time for me (a record actually, it may not seem like much, but for a person who has been cutting pretty much daily for 2 years, it's a long time) soooo ya... i wrote this song :) (it's the second song i've ever written, i'm planning to put my first song up sometime soon cause it's a pretty good song and i really like it) i'm thinking of adding some more personal blogs about what is going on in my life (cause that's what blogs are for) hahaha lol well....
BYE!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Harder and Harder We Try

Laughing faces surround me and press down on me,
suffocating me and working at what they do best
destroying innocence


Some days I wish for that young, childhood innocence
that left me all too soon,
fled from razors blades and hunger pains,
half hearted attempts
at beauty.
It's never coming back,
what's lost,
is indeed lost,
it's not coming back and I,
we,
can never get it back
no matter how hard we fight to right these wrongs
that we created ourselves.

Rooms of people trying to get the help they need,
but these razor blades won't go away
and the innocence is lost forever.
Talk all you will,
dream for a better tomorrow,
it will never come.
Grace yourselves into my presence,
cry out for the help that only I can give,
the hope that lurks at the edge of every dark cloud.

Give up those razor blades and hunger pains,
let me comfort your broken form.
Because I can restore your innocence,
I can take all of this endless pain
away from these broken forms
made this way because of this cruel world
that doesn't dare to admit that relief
is all it thirsts for,
relief and peace.

Fight me everyday because you are too afraid
to leave this earth forever and
to take with you the memories of a better life
and the hope that lurked at the edge
of every dark cloud.
you can get better


So drop those razor blades
and eat that whole entire plate sitting in front of you,
taunting you,
you can give up this stubbornness
and let your friends help you out of this
deep hole that you have dug yourself,
causing innocence to flee
and knowledge that one so young
shouldn't have came running.

Let me comfort you,
let me restore a bit of innocence,
let me give you hope.
Keep on fighting for the ones you love
who love you back,
I did.
i am just like you


So just keep trying,
we are too...
__________________________________

i wrote this poem today after i went to group therapy (i'm a cutter and have food issues) and it's mainly for everyone out there who has to battle through the same feelings of depression and  insecurity, encouraging them that there is someone out there who really does care :)
~~~
since last post i didn't really introduce myself i figured i'd give a little blurb about myself right now and you can always read my "about me" thingy in the side column ....

so i'm a writer (duh) and i carry around this red notebook that i jot down ideas and even sometimes complete poems when they come to me (it used to be blue, but that one fell apart) i'm always writing or thinking about writing (even in school, cause who pays attention in class anyway?) and today i learned that 2 1/2 hours of writing burns 217.5 calories which makes me pretty excited cause now my parents can't pull the "writing doesn't do anything for you and it doesn't involve exercise" well guess what guys??? IT BURNS CALORIES!!!! so there, fight that mom and dad!!! (i'm such a rebel) haha lol okay so that's me..... enjoy my blog!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Not As It Seems

If I took off my sweatshirt
right now,
underneath the watching moon,
what would you see?

Would you see the permanent
scars that lace up my
arms like permanent tattoos
as scars that I created
because I am a cutter?

Or would you see
the pain that caused them,
the echoing laughter
that was directed
at me?

Would you see my
bony arms as those
of an anorexic
who only thirst to be
beautiful?

Or would you hear
the yells of an angry father
who never saw me
as beautiful,
no matter how skinny,
no matter how hard I tried?

So what would you see?
_____________________

there it is..... that right there is a poem that i wrote a few days ago in science :) hahaha i'm such a rebel......
anyway i had no idea what to do for my first post so i figured what the heck??? i'll just post my writing seeing as this blog is about my writing good reasoning huh??? lol

WELCOME to my blog!!!!!!!!!