It's been almost a year since my last post and, boy, has it been crazy. I should probably update by season because otherwise it could take awhile.
Winter, Beginning of 2017:
I got a new roommate who has since become one of my best friends and started going to a bible study where I met some of the best people and made the most amazing memories. I also attempted to start up therapy again, but it failed miserably and I gave up. My senior thesis on serial killers in 19th century America was started and I fell in love with the topic, starting to listen to the podcast "My Favorite Murder," which I still listen to. I also submitted my applications for law school, since this season began my final semester of undergrad. Oh, and I got my third tattoo.
I got accepted into several law schools and offered scholarships, which was more than I could have ever hoped for. After agonizing for almost a month about which one to choose, I picked one closer to my family so that I could return to the area of the US where I grew up and I began to get excited. I also got to present my senior thesis, develop more friendships through bible study, see one of my friends get baptized, and go on a date with an amazing guy. Unfortunately it didn't work out with the guy, but we stayed friends and I had fun hanging out with him. I also graduated from college Magna Cum Laude with Departmental Honors, member of Phi Alpha Delta (the national historical honors society). My great grandmother passed away, but I was able to make it home for her funeral and it was a lovely service, she was an amazing woman and I got to see family members that I haven't seen in years.
I moved back home with my parents temporarily and worked 2 jobs, while looking for apartments in the area where I would be going to law school starting in the fall. I decided that I wanted to live alone and, after almost 2 months of searching, I found the perfect apartment, less than a 5 minute walk from the school. I was able to transfer in one of my jobs to the area where I would be living for law school and on the first day I met the guy that I instantly knew would be the first one to break my heart. (Spoiler, I was right.)
I started law school and made several new friends, both at work and at school. I started volunteering at the local animal shelter for a school required assignment, but then loved it so much that I'm still going once a week and I might be adopting a rabbit in the coming weeks. Law school was stressful, but I was able to manage my time and balance work, school, and volunteering.
Winter, End of 2017:
I started talking to one of my coworkers (the guy mentioned earlier) and we would get together outside of work to hang out. It was a great friendship, but there was a bit of sexual tension at the same time (I kept swearing up and down that we would only ever be friends and that I wouldn't date a coworker). On Thanksgiving he confessed his feelings and two days later we decided to see where the relationship would go. A week after that we kissed (he was my first kiss) and officially got together. The timing was perfect, he made me so happy and with the stress of the end of my first semester of law school, it was good to have something to keep me sane. He was my first New Year's kiss and I almost lost my virginity to him.
Earlier this week he broke up with me. We had only been dating for 1.5 months. I think he was scared of how intense things were getting and I don't think he was mature enough for the relationship (his reasons just didn't match up and were things that we could have easily talked about and worked through). It really hurt for the first 2 days, but now I'm on day three and I think we may actually stay friends. I'm actually talking to other people now and may have a date next week. Total rebound, but getting myself back out there. It was the first time I started to let myself fall in love. I guess next time I won't be so hasty. But now second semester of law school has started up, I got my final grades from last semester and I passed and get to keep my scholarship. I wonder where 2018 is going to take me.
She is slipping away through my grasping fingers
and there is nothing I can do but stand behind her,
watching as her shadow trails behind and leaves
nothing to hold on to.
I remember the pain of high school,
I remember the pain of never feeling loved,
I remember how the depression
creeps up behind you and grabs you in the night,
while the anxiety plagues your dreams
and turns the daylight into new demons;
I remember and I understand
because this was once my world too.
Family is pushed to the side as she sees no end in sight,
choosing new friends instead of sisters
and leaving a trail of tears and pain behind her
because she does not see how much love
the sisters she has always been sandwiched in between
want to surround her with.
We are trying to reach for her,
we are trying to pull her back,
my tears fall nightly as I fear that one day
she will walk out of the front door,
and never look back.
I've been feeling angry lately and a part of me doesn't know if it is partially because I'm grieving the loss of a good friend or if I'm just angry.
You see, the other day on campus I happened to walk by a tour where a potential student was asked by the tour guide what the medallion he had on a necklace was. It was his answer that made me angry because he was able to say that it was his year medallion that meant he had been sober for a year. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at him, how could I be? I couldn't help but be a little proud of him, even though he was a complete stranger. What made me mad was that I will never have that. It has almost been a year and a half since I last cut or burned myself and there is no way for me to let anyone know. I don't want the attention, I want the support. I want someone to ask me what my medallion means and be able to proudly say that I have been fighting my demons, and winning, for over a year. But I don't get that, I won't get that. And the worst part is that I only have one person that I can text to say I've made it another year, there is only one person in my life, a person who I don't really even talk to anymore, who knows that I'm still fighting. My mother thinks I've been free of my demons since high school because I couldn't let her know that I'd relapsed when I did because she would have made me leave college, a place where I have been changed so much. I just wish I had a way to reach out to people and let them know that I've struggled without them being scared away, because my scars just make people run, they don't make them stop to ask how I've been.
Also, I mentioned earlier that I could be angry because its part of the grieving process, which is unfortunately true. During some of my darkest moments and woman and her 5 sons were there for me and the oldest son was killed in a car accident a week ago. I know it will hurt for a long time and I'm trying to make it through by myself because I don't feel like I have the right to grieve. I feel like only the family can grieve and that nobody else has a real reason. And I know that this isn't true, but it is how I feel and how I've always felt. When a friend of mine was killed in an accident a year ago I only let myself cry once and when one of my best friends' mom died last Thanksgiving I only shed a few tears even though I had loved her dearly. I guess I just don't ever think I have a right to miss people unless I'm related to them and I know that is awful and unfair to myself, but it is true.
I want great things for myself and I don't think that is selfish. I've gone through hell and back more times than I can count and I've somehow pulled through each time and I deserve better. I deserve good things. I deserve my dream job, love, and maybe even a family someday. I deserve all of these things and I'm sick of my brain telling me that I don't, telling me that I'm not good enough for anything and that I will never have the things that I deserve. I stress day in and day out about my grades in college, about my LSAT scores, about how I will measure up against other law school applicants when I start applying in the fall. I can't keep beating myself down if I'm going to make it in this world. I want good things for myself and I'm trying to learn that it isn't selfish and that I'm not a failure. I get a fucking B in a class or a 68 on a test and I freak out, I can't breathe, I feel like I won't go on to do great things, but I will do great things. I will make a difference, at least in my own life, I will be my own hero. I've been fighting for my life since I was 12 and I honestly didn't realize it until just now. I've been fighting and I haven't given myself any credit for getting through it. I'm eating, I haven't cut in a year and 3 months, I'm trying to learn to love myself. I want to celebrate everything I've accomplished in these last 8 years. 8 years of fighting and ups and downs and feeling useless and dumb and worthless. But I'm alive. I actually want things now, I have dreams that are real and that I'm working towards. 16 year old me didn't think life was meant for me, thought that college would destroy me if high school didn't, but I'm finally flourishing. I'm growing into a person that I'm proud of and I'm still fighting. And I want things, for the first time in my life I really want things, I want a life that I love. I can't let myself get held back by the worry, the anxiety, the depression; that isn't me, I am confident, I am smart, I am loyal, I am a good person. And it isn't selfish to want things, it isn't selfish to feel good about myself. It shows that I'm healing and I'm finally heading in the right direction. It shows I'm keeping my promise to myself - to make my years outside of being a teenager be the best of my life.
I spent all of my time trying to carry your weight on my shoulders,
that there wasn't enough room for my own.
It wasn't anything but my own folly that broke me;
I was too trusting,
too willing to do anything for you,
too stubborn to listen to those telling me to focus on me first,
too loyal to turn my back on you, even when your problems started crushing me
and I started to feel like Atlas with the world resting on my back -
slowly bringing me down to one knee that was sinking deep into the sand
shifting beneath me.
I should have known it didn't go both ways.
When the weight was too much and I could hardly take another problem;
you came to me with one more
and I was to naive to realize that our friendship wasn't a two way street,
our friendship was you using me to balance the weight you didn't want to carry
because you were too lazy to handle your own crushing pain,
let alone my own.
So as my knee sinks into the sand that I've discovered was placed underneath me
by none other than
the one who I was balancing the world for,
I'm gathering up my strength to push myself back onto my feet -
to throw off the extra weight I can no longer handle,
to feel the wind in my hair and stand straight with pride
because I can't let myself be crushed by the weight I've carried for someone
who refuses to split the weight of life and pain
with the only person who has taken the time to try and help them handle the weight,
because friendship is a two way street.
I won't help carry yours if you won't help carry mine
and I've learned that it isn't selfish to ask that,
it is too hard to carry more than the amount of pain you were built to handle
and love doesn't mean that you have to take all of someone else's pain,
it means that you share all of it.
I'm done. So watch me stand straight again and throw off the extra weight you gave me, because I'm done breaking myself to carry all of the pain on my already weakened shoulders.
There are points when I think everyone, deep down, has an overwhelming desire for someone to look them in the eye and know that they aren't really okay. To validate them, to pull them into a hug without any questions and let them cry into their shoulder, to let them know that they are loved and cared for. To know that they have a person who can see through the smiles.
I wish I had a person.
It feels like I have nobody. I don't have anyone to look me in the eye and realize that the smiles and the excessive talking and jokes are all a lie. When did I get so good at lying? It feels like my world is crashing down around me and I can barely stand. I just want to stay in my bed all day and do nothing, I'm tired all of the time. I've been struggling and fighting for so long that it almost feels like I'm getting comfortable and returning home in a way when the depression overwhelms me again. I'm so done with it all and I honestly just want to give in. If I can't make it through the first four years of college, how am I supposed to make it through the three years of law school?
All I really want is to have a person that I know will understand and will just let me cry for a bit, who will really care and won't freak out. I thought I'd found that person, but then she fucked me over and now I feel more alone than ever.
I think that I'm just destined to suffer alone, silently, forever.