Thursday, December 25, 2014

He has ruined me

He has ruined me.

there was once a time when I did not know
what the difference between being 
"in like" with someone and "in love" with someone was,
but now I do 
and I wish I didn't because being in love
hurts so much more than being in like. 
everything is so much more different now,
since the day that we first met and 
I thought him attractive -
at first - 
not knowing what I was getting myself into
as I slowly began to know him
and slowly began to learn what love means
at the same time that I began to experience 
what it is really like to feel so overwhelmed by a person
who is merely whelmed by you.
when his best friend told me that I was sure
to experience heart break someday 
I did not believe him
because I did not know that it was possible 
for a heart to fall for another without the other knowing
and that mistranslation is what ended up ruining me -
I did not know that it was going to be between us
or with him 
because I was misguided by a heart speaking the wrong language:
the language of being in like instead of the language of being in love. 
and now I know what it is like to be ruined 
by someone who does not know,
his best friend was right all along
without either of us truly knowing 
and now I deserve an "I told you so" 
because I accidentally got my heart broken
by not knowing what love truly was. 

He has ruined me.

I cannot hear his name without thinking about him,
even when it is someone else who happens to share
the same arrangement of letters 
because just the sound of that name 
makes my heart jump and my lungs pause,
I will never be able to hear that name without
thinking of him.
I cannot sleep without remembering the time
we slept curled up next to each other on a floor
because we were snowed in at someone else's house - 
my bed feels empty without him in it 
and I can't fully feel warm at night 
without him beside me.
I cannot wake up in the morning without remembering
pushing my face into his chest 
as my nose filled with the smell of his morning breath
and I still can faintly remember the sound of his beating heart
underneath his t-shirt. 
I cannot go on Facebook or Twitter without 
subliminally hoping to get a notification from him
and in the off chance that I do,
my smile doesn't fade away for hours 
because I cannot experience life without him in it
and I cannot imagine life without him in it
and I cannot stand the idea of him not being in it,
but we fought and I got angry and now I cannot talk to him 
in the way that we used to because everything is tense.
I cannot eat or sleep without my thoughts being filled with him
and I cannot help but regret messing everything up
because I cannot convince my heart to stop beating 
in the rhythm that it matched that day 
I snuggled my head into his chest when we woke up that morning
and his morning breath filled my nostrils. 

He has ruined me, 
and I now know the true meaning of being in love 
as he walks away and my heart
shatters.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Alcoholic in Reverse

I'm like an alcoholic but my addiction is in the reverse
because instead of emptying bottles
I spill them down my pale white arms 
and the liquid isn't made by anyone but me,
instead of being clear alcohol it is thick and muddy red. 

My purple veins that twine themselves underneath 
skin stretched across bone
are the bottles for the liquid I crave 
and my addiction is to shattering those bottles
so that I can see their contents 
spill out on the floor 
as my vision fades to black. 

Black outs bring mornings filled with regrets,
not from forgotten memories -
because there is nothing that can be forgot - 
but from not shattering enough bottles
and keeping too much liquid inside me 
so that my eyelids slowly open 
instead of staying closed.  

Like an alcoholic I crave that liquid,
wanting to drown myself in that muddy red 
by releasing it from fragile bottles 
stacked on top of brittle bones. 

They say that they don't understand my addiction
because they don't know how someone can reverse alcoholism
on their own bodies - 
they don't realize how it is the same -
I want to forget everything and fade away:
my liquid of choice is merely spilt across pale white skin
instead of emptied from bottles into empty stomachs.

Monday, December 15, 2014

how many times do I need to say sorry for you to forgive me?

your words make it seem like we are ok,
but your actions tell me a different story
and i don't know what it is i need to do for you
to forgive me,
i can only say "i'm sorry" so many times
before my brain takes over and i give up.
the jokes have faded and conversations seem
filled to the brim with anger and hurt
because i fucked up again and this time
the one person who i felt might care
was the one to get hurt.

and now it hurts me to no end.

i'm doing all i can to mend this friendship
we once had,
but sometimes things become too broken
for fixing and i fear that is what i've done
because i lashed out when i should have held it
inside.
there are some days when my brain refuses to work
and when the darkness becomes so consuming
that i can't help but curl up into a ball,
i look for that little light that i thought
you might be.

i fucked up.
again

of course i would lash out at the one i care deeply for
because isn't that the way things always go?
and i don't know how to fix this and make it better,
i don't know how to apologize and start over,
i don't know how many times i have to say sorry
for us to be what we were before

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Music

I listen to music that is real,
pounding itself into my soul with each word
that flows through my veins and makes me
feel alive.
Words are so full of meaning sometimes -
I can't keep myself held down
unless I have something to tie me
and these songs are the ones that chain the
perfect meanings together in letters
that are just heavy enough to keep me from
flying off into darkness.

These are the songs that kept me back
from falling out of high trees
where branches grew in just the right way
to hold me in place with a notebook
filled with words twined together,
messy attempts at making songs to hold down
the other lost souls in this world.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

The "Stupidity" of Villains

You know, I was pondering things a little while ago about heroes and villains and something struck me; the reason the villain ends up being defeated because they talk about their "evil" plan is not because they are dumb or stupid, its because they just want recognition.  I mean, look at the villains, most people can relate to them more than they can relate to the hero.  The hero saves the day, the hero is who people want to be, but the villain is who people can see themselves in.  Villains don't start that way, they are not born evil, they are born as innocents who are then mistreated by the world.  It is just like us as average humans, we are born and we live in a life where we are constantly being misunderstood and disregarded for our efforts and used by those around us.  The natural desire of human kind is to be loved and cared for and noticed, but that doesn't happen.  Villains are representatives of this notion and this flaw in humanity, they become "evil" because they have this overwhelming desire to be noticed by someone and to do something that gets noticed, that they can take the credit for.  Really, they are just trying to be loved and understood and recognized - just like we are every single day.  So when a villain stops in that moment when he has the hero cornered and the end is surely in sight, he isn't being stupid or dumb in describing his "evil" plan - he is only trying to get recognition and praise, he wants to take credit for this thing that he has done.  In this situation the hero is the parent or the teacher or the coach or the captain or the friend who takes that moment to listen to what we've done and then turns around and steals it all away.  The villain isn't defeated because he is stupid, he is defeated because of his overwhelming need to be able to tell someone what he has done and be proud of it, something that we desire to do everyday.  This common scene is a direct representation of the, arguably, biggest flaw in humanity: the desire for recognition that will never come except for in fleeting circumstances where it is then ignored.

So, I don't think villains are all that bad or unintelligent - they are just like us, a fact that I think many people ignore.  Think about it, who do you have more in common with? The hero or the villain?  My bet would be the villain.