Wednesday, December 29, 2010

There and Back Again

wow it seems like forever since i last posted something even remotely writing like so here is a piece that i think you might enjoy :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


It seems like it has been forever since my fingers
flew across the keyboard letters,
bringing a true master piece into existance.
It's been so very long since I let my thoughts play out
onto a new page and then share it to the world,
it has been so long.
 
I have written so many words in the month of December
and it seems as though I may never write again,
but you can never,
EVER,
lose something that is such a great part of you
that it is what gets you through boring days and tough times.
 
It has been so long since I embraced the words,
struggling to get out,
burning to get out,
as I have once said in a poem that I wrote
what seems like ages ago.
 
In only a month I am different now,
changed,
a writer who has accomplished NaNoWriMo her first time
and a bisexual teen who has come out to her friends.
In only a month I have changed from a shy girl
who hid my feelings for fear that I would be trampled
and broken all over again,
to a girl who isn't afraid to be herself
and will gladly say what's on her mind.
 
I can change so much in such a short time,
but it seems as though it is not appropriately measured
because I measure my progress
through the change in the flow and the words
of my writing.
 
It has been so long since I poured my heart onto a page
for a total stranger to read,
but there is a comfort in it.
______________________________________
so there is a writing piece (finally)! :) 

how were your Christmases this year? mine was pretty great because it was also marking 3 weeks since i last cut myself :) i got some cool stuff and i got to see myself in published form!!






it was pretty exciting and right now i am reading it (it is my nano novel from this year) it isn't sold to the public, its just a proof copy and i have the only copy that will ever be made and sold sorry! maybe next year i will open it up to the general public. i also got this really cool caligraphy set from my almost boyfriend (if he doesn't ask me out in the next month i am going to go out with Lindsay - yes a girl, i am bisexual)

much love all!
~AT

Monday, December 13, 2010

nightmares

so this is going to be qucik, sorry i don't have nay writing, but i am still recovering from NaNoWriMo (which i did complete) so i am low on creativity at this moment. 
so i wanted to quickly post a question, i don't ask questions usually, but i really wanted to know...

have you ever had a dream that was almost a nightmare, it was just really disgusting and in the dream what was happening was totally normal, but when you woke up you were suddenly disgusted by it and no matter how hard you tried you couldn't get the images from your dream out of your head ALL day long?

cause i had a really disgusting dream last night and when i woke up i just remembered the dream and i haven't been able to get the image out of my head ALL day, no matter how hard i tried and now that i'm getting ready for bed, i am TERRIFIED of going to sleep and i am afraid to tell my mom because
1- i don't want to talk about it or think about it, i want it out of my head, NOW!
2- i'm afraid that she might think i am seriously messed up in the mind because the image was something that i DEFINITELY have never seen in my ENTIRE life before, therefore i thought it into existance
3- i am afraid that i actually am going insane

oh god, your advice would be SO VERY helpful!!!!
please tell me this is normal and i am NOT going insane, please?!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Identical Twins - Oh So Different

I have two eyes,
two bright blue-grey eyes that show me everything I want to see,
and everything I don't.
 
These eyes give me grounds for opinions and imaginings
they give me a drive for artistic talent
and written words,
they are my foundation and I see through them in ways
that nobody else could.
 
I have two eyes,
both the same color and both the same size and shape,
they are identical twins,
but they see oh so differently.
 
Through one I see myself as
African American and Irish and Scottish and Native American and English,
I see myself as all of the races and ethnicities in this
oh so wide world
and through my other eye I see myself as
white and read headed and skinny and pretty,
everything that society and the world has taught me to see.
 
Together my eyes produce an image of me
that no one else could replicate,
I am the whole world mixed into one person
over decades of love and marriage and babies
and racial prejudice.
 
My relatives saw through their eyes the world
but the world didn't see them,
they weren't equals because they were different
in skin color and origins and riches and power,
but I see them all reflected in me,
their stories and history brought down through the ages
to this moment and this person,
and I can see it all with my two eyes,
identical twins,
but oh so different interpretations of the world around them.
________________________________________________
 
this just kinda came to me suddenly and i just had to write it down.
hope you liked it :)

Monday, November 1, 2010

nanowrimo

so i've been kinda incommunicado these last few weeks and so i thought i would hop on really quick to tell you about my current project that i am doing.

NANOWRIMO!!! (national novel writing month for those of you who don't know and basically i have to write 50,000 words in the month of november - about 1667 words a day! and so far i went over for day one doing 1861 words, so i'm off to a good start)

i challenge any of my writer followers to this, check out the website here: http://www.nanowrimo.org
and my page here: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/672006
don't be afraid to add me as a buddy!! :) (and don't worry-its not too late to start!!)

GSTA TOMORROW!!! (gay-straight-trans gender alliance) (because i'm bi)

have a good november!!! i'll post again in december and tell you how it went!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Embrace of Who I Am

I am
(or was)
homophobic,
I am am homosexual,
so does that make me afraid
of myself?
 
I used to look at guys
and wonder why I never
found them appealing,
even when the hormones kicked in,
and spent whole nights denying
that when a beautiful girl
brushed against me
I got shivers and my heart skipped a beat.
 
I spent days and weeks and months
convincing myself that I
wasn't who I am
(a lesbian)
and I would cut myself
for punishment because this
attraction isn't right,
it's sinful.
 
But when I stopped
believing in God and accepted
who I am,
the cutting stopped
and I embraced the truth;
 
This homophob is a lesbian.
 
Life is hilarious, isn't it?
____________________________________
yes this poem is true...
to an extent.
the cutting hasn't stopped (it did and then there was this whole thing with youth group and a lady there -very nice- who yelled at me for not believing in God, long story and so i started cutting again)
but i am a lesbian. i guess this is kinda my "coming out" except you don't live around me or have met me in person and it is online so i don't know if it counts or not... 
i'm too afraid to tell my parents because my dad has been pissed off a lot lately (he almost kicked me out again and he did leave a small bruise where he grabbed me and shoved me against a wall, he did say sorry though, so its all good) 
i finally have accepted it though, for the last year or so i have been denying it, but now i believe that i am ready to face the truth that i am lesbian (or maybe bi, not sure, but i am defiantly not straight i can say that much)

and that is what has been going on with me the last week or so. 

i'm thinking of getting music on this blog, what do you think??

~LITW

Monday, September 20, 2010

guys are idiots :(

sorry i haven't posted in forever. i knew once school started that it would be harder and harder to post as frequently as i was posting and i was right, it is just so hard to post because i am so busy. however, now i am posting (sorry but no writing for today i just want to vent)

so i've only had one boyfriend and i broke up with him because my friends told me i should and pressured me into it and i still love/d him. i never really got over him and had never ever kissed a guy before and i was waiting for the right guy and the right moment. well i was at this concert on saturday night and he was there with his band and we hung out after they opened the show. his girlfriend had been being a bitch and he was going to break up with her later that night and we were hanging out and i told him about how i still loved him and he said the same about me. so he said he would break up with his girlfriend because she was being a bitch and he wanted to be with me, which made me really really happy. and then he kissed me. my first kiss and it was really sweet and perfect and then i didn't cut that night (ya, it got worse when school started i've been cutting at least twice a day every day) and so i didn't cut that night because i was so incredibly happy. i saw him the next night and nothing happened between us. he just wanted to be friends and had never broken up with his girlfriend. she broke up with him later that night and he went on and on about how broken hearted he was and never even looked at me. it turns out that he was just using me to get revenge. i feel so stupid right now and broken hearted. i'm actually surprised that i haven't cut yet, i guess i just am so shocked and sad and mad right now.

in other news; i got tested for allergies/asthma today and i have both and i'm allergic to dogs :( *gasp* my doggy is my best friend! luckily i told my mom i would be really pissed if she and my dad sold him. so he is staying with us for now.

another thing;
so my favorite aunt is dying of a rare type of cancer and there is nothing else that they can do for her and she isn't ever going to get better :( and the last time i saw her she was in remission and we went to the zoo and i bought her this frog necklace (her fav animal) and she told me to keep it to remember her. that was 3 years ago and i had worn that necklace every day. i took it off for a cross country meet on saturday and it fell out of my bag and my coach wouldn't let me run back and get it. it is gone forever now and i cried for about an hour after i originally lost it. now i can feel its missing weight and it makes me sad and i just want to cry.
only a few of my friends know about it and told me that my aunt wouldn't want me beating myself up about it, but its all i can seem to do. :(

in short this weekend has been the worst ever and this has been my longest post ever too.

i wish life wasn't so damn depressing!!! makes me want to jump off a bridge. anything has got to be better than this.

~LITW

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Relapse

21  silly bandz all in a row twisting around each other on this
all-too-small wrist
& hiding the truth underneath them,
5 perfectly straight red lines,
proof that the blade has found my wrist once again.
I'm so sorry I've relapsed.
1 week of freedom & laughter,
blow away in one moment of pain & sadness
that was all too real to control
& here I am sitting in this lone stall
experiencing a reunion of blade on flesh
& blood spilling the truth.
I can't believe that I was so weak.

3 cuts placed on a shoulder,
all jagged & perfectly placed
to look as if they were an accidental
"meeting with a tree"
when really they were a small silver blade
dragged across my skin.
Cutting is a barbaric artform.

And all of this pain & suffering
was brought about by only one rude comment
that nobody realized would have such and impact
on this broken girl,
trying so hard to recover from this adiction,
on my own...

I'm so sorry I relapsed.
___________________________________________
i wrote this a few days after i started cutting again and put it on the writing site that i use (YWP-a site for kids in the part of the US i live in) which my close friend who happens to be a christian is on and she knows who i am and so i put this on to kinda show her that the whole "God" thing isn't working out for me and everything is getting worse because of it. soooo ya...

about camp.
it was interesting i had a lot of fun for the first 2 days and then this girl on my team made this really rude comment that i didn't hear that made some girls start laughing and i knew it was about me and this other girl called me a bitch to my face and said she was sorry but it still hurt and so i slipped away at night and cut myself with the razor blade that i had brought with me to camp. so i wasn't able to complete the challenge even though i made it a whole 4 days without cutting, only 3 days away from a whole week. i'm so pissed. and i know that i probably will never be able to make it a week again for a long time cause school starts tomorrow and i'm going to be a sophomore and my sisters are going to be in 3rd(Abi) and 6th(Bri) grade. they are both moving schools (Bri is going to middle school and Abi is moving from the elementary school to the "intermediate" school) and i have cross country where half the team hates me and then my dad is going to pressure me to get all A's again and if i get so much as a B he is going to blow at me and i know i'll go cut (he wonders why i never talk about the grades i got on homework or tests/quizzes-not like i get bad grades, but when i get anything below a 98 my dad flips and i mostly get 90-95s and that's not good enough for him)

ya, so school starts up tomorrow and so i probably won't be posting as much (but i will try my hardest) and most of my posts will probably just be my writing and no actual blogs about how life is going (again, i will try  my hardest to do this though)

wish me luck in school tomorrow and i will keep trying to complete my challenge of going a week without cutting (though i know that it is going to be almost impossible) :(

~LITW

PS- i'm thinking of changing my name on here to Ti-Jay (or Tee-Jay), what do you think/ which one do you like better??

Friday, August 20, 2010

camp

so i leave for camp in a few hours, can't wait! (and yes, i am blogging at 2 in the morning cause that's the only time i can get the laptop for a bit all to myself)

i haven't cut yet (so 2 days of my 7 down) and let me tell you, it's been soooo hard! i keep getting these urges to cut, but i like a challenge so i am trying not to cut for a week and i've been moodier than usual lately cause i have nothing to do with my anger. lets hope being away from my family (not that i don't love them) for a week will be good for me.

my cousins (Rachel and Jenny) are up this weekend, which kinda sucks cause i'm at camp, but i'm just going to have to deal...

got a new camera today (yay!!) it's my birthday present/reward for not writing on myself for over 4 months (i used to do it alot)

my birthday is on thursday coming up, can't wait! sooo close to 15 and my permit :)

gotta go sleep now,
~LITW

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Challenges

so this is going to be a quick one seeing as it is really late and i'm going to be painting the deck tomorrow and then maybe getting a new camera :)

i've been challenged to go a week without cutting and figured if i start today then the week will be over on my birthday and i'm going to be in camp for the whole week. i hope that's not considered cheating cause i'l be at camp (leaving early saturday morning) and i always have alot of fun there....

so what do you think?

post soon (hopefully)
~LITW

Uphill Decline

i.
Shouts & yells ringing through this broken home,
ringing in the innocent ears of young children,
told that they will never be anything
& that they are worthless, stupid
mistakes.
Told they are ugly & fat by a father
who could care less what they do
& when one found relief in her razor blades
he just yells some more about them being
attention whores & disgraces
& doesn't understand why she can't seem to stop
this slicing of her skin.

ii.
& then God found them & picked them up,
placing them on solid ground
& giving them the love that they'd always wanted & needed.
They were happy & carefree
because their father could not touch them anymore
& God shielded them from the harsh words
& even harsher hate,
but He knew that it wouldn't last for long
& that one would fall into Satan's trap
because she just felt so unloved & hated
& she knew that good things would never last.

iii.
So short a time she found God's relief & love,
it's sad to watch,
she fell away from her Father in Heaven
& went back to trying to please her father on earth
who didn't care about her at all.
Green Tea & Ice Cold Water became her food
& sustenance
as she starved herself to be skinny the way her father
wanted her to be
because she could only see how fat & ugly she was
& it warped her brain,
she enjoyed the hunger pains & headaches & tiredness
because she knew that for every meal she skipped,
she lost more weight & maybe would finally win some of her father's love.

iv.
So there she is wandering in endless circles,
first slicing her own skin
& then finding God's love,
only to fade away & starve to be skinny
so she can get her father's love & maybe be pretty in his eyes
at last.
She goes forward and backward,
uphill and downhill at the same time
because this life of hers (mine) is just so twisted & confusing.
& she (I) just can't seem to change.
________________________________________
this is a poem i wrote about my life and how i cut mysel for a long time because of my semi abusive dad (he only hits me sometimes, it's rare, but still counts - like during our fight on monday he hit me with the book i was reading (Wicked, really good, by the way) and now i have a bruised back and he flipped me over and hit me so hard that i got a bloody nose, he said sorry though, but he normally does that when he looses control) so it's how i cut because of my dad and then i went to this Christian conference and ended up accepting Jesus into my heart, but after about a month i went back to my old ways of trying to please my dad and this time it was by working out more and eating less because according to my dad i am FAT (which i have to agree with someimes) and then a month after that i went back to cutting again and now my life is just as bad as it was before i accepted Jesus and i'm pretty sure that he's left by now cause i would be scared shitless (pardon the language) to be with someone like me.

and that is my post of the day,

i'm going to my grandparents' cottage today and will be getting new running shoes for cross country afterwards. can't wait! i leave for camp at 7am on saturday! so excited!!!

~LITW

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

so even though i really don't have any of my writing to post i feel that i owe it to this blog (and the readers) to post something....

so i will.

i have been having an okay(ish) week with some ups and downs and in betweens. well, a lot of downs, but a few ups so it kinda balences out and doesn't make me feel like jumping off a cliff or something (haha?)

UPS:
-my grandparents (mom's side) are up for the week and are staying in a cute little red cottage over in the islands and it's right on the lake and we got to spend all of the day yesterday there and we swam and had a lot of fun (my sisters and i swam, my grandparents can't really swim anymore)
-on friday i might get a new digital camera (which if i do, i will take some pics and put them up here) :)

DOWNS:
-i started cutting again after 2 months of not cutting and have cut everyday since i started up again, save for yesterday because i wasn't home until late and didn't bring my "supplies" with me to the cabin
-on monday night i got into a fight with my dad (it was bad) and i almost got kicked out (if it wasn't for my mom stepping in and telling him that if he kicks me out i would get raped and killed cause i'm only 14 - 15 next week! - thank God for my mother) and so it's been decided that if i get out of line again my parents are going to make me go to this "home" for cutters, anorexics, suicidal peoples, basically just people with problems (i almost went during april when my parents found out about the cutting because of Mary - my bitchy not-friend-anymore) in short, my parents don't want me around anymore
-my parents noticed some of my new cuts and are now checking me again so i have to be VERY careful where i cut (if u don't cut ur probably jut thinking "don't cut", but if ur a cutter u understand that once u start it's very, VERY hard to stop and when u get the urge u can't help it)

--
so ya, my week has been very interesting (mostly bad, but that's my life so i don't worry about it) i just try to look at the good things like the fact that i'm going to a cross country camp on saturday and don't get back till thursday (my birthday)

well gotta go! (my sisters are calling, babyitting, ugh)

~LITW

Monday, August 16, 2010

What I Don't Know

You don't want me anymore
(if you ever wanted me),
I'm not as stupid as you think I am,
give me some credit,
please?
I can see through these thin paper excuses
why you couldn't call or email or message me
about the team hanging out,
I can see that you didn't want me there
because nobody seems to want me anymore.
I know you're lying because my number isn't unknown,
you know it because I gave it to you
& you have my email,
I gave that to you too
& we are friends on facebook because
you added me,
when we were friends still,
before the rumors & lies reached you
& before you grew to realize that nobody wants me around,
the maniac ginger who cuts herself.
I know what it's like to be friendless

My family doesn't want me around either,
I can't say I'm surprised.
I'm not deaf ya know,
I can hear them talking about me at night
& when I try to spend time with my mom
she smiles & says she can't wait to spend time with her oldest
& then when she goes downstairs to my father I can hear her say;
"I don't want her to come,
I don't want her with me."
It's almost like she "forgets" that there is a vent downstairs that connects to my room upstairs & I can hear every word.
My dad doesn't even attempt to hide it,
constantly saying I'm worthless & stupid
& will never amount to anything because nobody wants me;
the annoying, talkative, somewhat bipolar kid
with mood swings that swing higher than playground swings.
I know what it's like to be hated by my family

God doesn't want me either,
even though they say in church that He loves everyone,
I can tell them one person he doesn't want with Him in Heaven
(if He or Heaven even exist)
me.
I try to do as the Bible says & I obey every command,
but it never works out & I'm always blamed by my fellow
"Christians"
who scorn my for my scars & chaotic thinking & hate me.
like everyone else.
I know what it's like to not be loved by a "loving" God

I know hate & disgust & friendless weekends & a loveless life,
what I don't know is why I still try.

(& people wonder why I cut & am so damn messed up)
___________________
this is one of my more depressing pieces, which u should start to expect more of in the next few weeks as i have relapsed back into cutting after not for about 2 solid months :( and it pissed me off that i went back to the blade and my writing tends to reflect my moods which right now are pissed, sad, depressed, and just lonely<--- (first 2 stanzas of this poem explain why)

~LITW

Friday, August 13, 2010

Celebration of Life

I've always said that when I die
I want my coffin to be blue,
my favorite color.
& people laugh at me,
saying they love my personality
& my love of life.
(they don't understand)

I do want my coffin to be blue,
light blue
like the sky on a warm summer's day.

Damn the black,
depressing stuff of ordinary funerals,
I want mine to be a party,
a celebration of my life
& my individualistic ways.

I want people to laugh,
not cry,
I want them to remember how I always can make people laugh,
even when they just want to cry
& how no matter the subject,
I always had some stupid joke that cracked everyone up
& left them laughing.

I want dogs to be at my funeral,
they don't have to be mine,
they just have to be there
because my dog lit up my darkest day
& I want them to light up the grave site where I lay,
I want everyone to laugh at them as they
romp around,
enjoying life just like I did.

& I don't want people to wear black during the service,
I want them to wear their brightest colors
& a smile on their faces
because I've dealt with sadness
& think it's stupid to morn me when I am in heaven,
with God,
having the time of my life
& I don't want to look down on my family & see them crying
'cause it would break my heart,
besides,
I've always thought crying at funerals is stupid
because funerals should be a celebration of their life
& not mourning them
'cause I'm never going to be gone,
as long as I have family & friends on earth.
(I will always be with them in their heart)

So celebrate my life,
don't mourn it.
____________________________
i wrote this after i watched a show where this kid died when he walked outside to his car and got stabbed in the back and i realized that life is short and u should just enjoy every day cause u never know if it is going to be your last. this is what i want my funeral to be like, i'm serious.

sorry about the depressingness :)

love you all!! comment please :)
~LITW

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

You

You promised to always be there,
ready to catch me when I fall
(& so far you have.)

You let me confess my secrets,
even when you already knew
because confession is good for the soul
(& you didn't judge me.)

You whispered words of love
in my ear
which had only ever heard shouting & curses
(& it made me smile.)

You sent wonderful breezes
to twist around my broken form,
making me whole
(& I laughed with glee.)
You filled me up in ways that nothing
else could
(& never left me.)

& I thank you 
__________________________________
the "You" i am talking about in this is God (FYI) and i wrote this yesterday and promised that i would put it on here and so i did cause i'm a woman of my word. and there you have it. i don't have time to do an actual blog about my life so i'm gonna do it tomorrow (maybe) if i can find the time (i'm going to be on the go for the whole day pretty much)

~LITW

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Inspired

(this post its just going to be me rambling - no poems or anything - FYI)

so after reading Feather's blog (which you really should read, it is amazing) i have been inspired to actually blog some about my randomly somewhat boring and sometimes exciting life :) so u can thank Feather for the loss of IQ. haha.

my day so far: my mom and Abi got back last night around 8 and today my mom and dad had to work so i got the privilege (NOT! haha) of babysitting Abi as she is only 8 and i took her to the dollar store to get silly bands and then we went to the library where i got Wicked which i hear is a good book, but haven't read it yet and can't really say if it's good or not (i will let you know when i get around to reading it). on our way home (we walked and it's like 90 degrees out and i was sweating like a pig! <- not sure u needed or wanted to know that, oh well...) so on our way home we ran into my best fried Tess and her younger sister Serena and decided that we are going to go to the pool together in an hour or so (yay!) and then we got home and i got on the computer....
and that is my day so far...

what is planned for later:
- going swimming with Tess and Serena (and maybe their little sister Shai)
- running in a 5k cross country race (NOT looking forward to it)
- getting back from the race and going straight to bed (after i take my shower cause i'll be sweaty)

and that is my blog about my life for today :)
i might possibly post a poem i wrote this morning tomorrow(ish)

GOD IS GOOD!!!! <---- random thought of the day :)

Monday, August 9, 2010

Destruction of the Unknown (and a blog about my day)

I've spent ages & ages trying & trying to feel like I belong
& every time I do
I always mess it up
like a child playing with play-dough when they figure;
this looks bad
except for them it is innocent destruction of something
they wanted to destroy
& they could care less,
but for me it is on purpose
because I fear the confrontation
& inexperience of my almost 15 years
that I try to hide behind knowledge of material things
& not things that matter
like relationships & love & laughter & freedom & life.

I pulled away from my would-be first kiss
'cause I thought that I would somehow do it wrong
& he wouldn't want me anymore
'cause I've never kissed (or been kissed) before,
& I skipped out of shopping with my "sista from anotha mista"
'cause I was afraid of her realizing
that I've never shopped before
'cause I was too caught up studying & reading & writing
about everything I didn't understand.

I've experienced love once or twice
& fled because I didn't understand this feeling,
short of breath & heart pounding & mind swirling
& I shut myself off & pretended that I didn't care that
nobody liked me anymore
'cause I was just a stuck up bitch
(or seemed to be.)

I flee from things I don't understand
& it prevents me from living a life fulfilled
with love & laughter & happiness
& I sometimes secretly wish that I could erase time
& go back to middle school where I first shut myself away,
holed up in my little shell.

If only someone would pry inside
& open me up to see the person I really am,
a girl afraid of things unknown
& wishing I could be brave enough to try. 

_________________________________________
i'm not going to say why i wrote this because truthfully i don't really know, it just kinda popped into my head. (it is true though) i wanted to take a moment to blog about my life and give thanks to Feather for the shout out she gave me, made me feel so loved <3

and now for a blog about the happenings in my life, which i haven't done for awhile (well, ever)....

so today i hung out with my best friend Anna and it was sooo much fun!!! we played LIFE (the board game) and then went on some errands with her mom and shopped a little. it was really funny cause we were checking out and she reached in her pocket and remembered that she left her money in the car :) luckily her little sister Sarah was there and able to pay for her and then Anna paid her back.
i was supposed to go to this end-of-summer swim banquet, but it was raining and i figured that it had been canceled and so hung out with Anna longer and when we drove by the pool i saw that it hadn't been called off and i was like; "shoot, they're going to kill me" but i've been on the team for 5 years now and doubt they would be too mad :) (i hope) haha

well off to watch tv with my dad while my mom and youngest sister (Abi) are coming back from New York (they were bringing my other little sister, Bri, to her friend, Emma's, house and she's spending the week there-yay!!!! only one little sister to deal with!!!!!) really excited cause i'm babysitting Noah, the CUTEST child EVER on thursday :) can't wait!!!!

bye bye blog readers :)

PS- who else LOVES the new background????

Friday, August 6, 2010

Moving On

I've spent years & years
spilling out my secrets
with only 26 letters
& random punctuation
that wasn't always right,
but oh well,
I really didn't/don't
care.

I've long since given up
getting rid of the ink stains
under my fingernails
& the coffee stains on my notebooks
& accepted that this is who I am,
a writer.

I've finally given up searching
for myself
because I've found that I'm right here
& that searching for something that
is right in front of me is
pointless.

& I've finally let go of the pain
that led me to darkness
& found that the light is a much better place
to be.

I poured out my secrets
onto pages & pages of tattered notebook paper
& after years & years of secrets,
I've finally let go
& moved on.
__________________________________________
i wrote this poem about my cutting and anorexia that i fought with for 2 long years and about how i finally stopped caring about appearances and discovered who i am and that the answer was sitting right in front of me the whole time and now i've finally found the strength to move on.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Half-Melted Chocolate & Vanilla Bean Ice Cream (Wonderful Memories)

When I think of you,
I think of warm summers
spent beach side with
half-melted chocolate &
vanilla bean ice cream,
(you never ate anything other than vanilla bean)
and we always used to
chase butterflies &
crickets in the field behind my house,
but we never caught anything,
not like we ever cared
because it was fun &
the grass was perfect for falling backwards into
& landing with soft "thuwumps"
& shrieking laughter
(it was the most beautiful thing I ever heard)

We used to watch clouds go by
& pick out shapes,
even making up a few &
I always went along because your ideas
were just
so
dang
good (& you were too)
& I told you my secrets
& you listened with open ears
because that's who you were
(an amazing person)
like sweet half-melted chocolate &
vanilla bean ice cream,
beach side on warm summer days
(sometimes I wonder where all that time went)

I saw my little sister
playing with you the other day &
was jealous
(what I wouldn't give to be 7 again)
& wished that I could be out there with you
laughing & talking & eating vanilla bean ice cream & half-melted chocolate
& for a moment I discarded reality &
joined you in the fields
for one last beautiful day
with vanilla bean ice cream & half-melted chocolate
before it all came back &
I had to be normal again,
because teenagers don't play with
imaginary friends
anymore.
_______________________________________
this is just a random piece i wrote last night at like midnight.... enjoy!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Prayer

Dear God,

Give me the strength,
the strength
to get rid of this addiction;
razor blades slicing pale skin,
crafted by your
ever-capable hands.

Help me fight through
this day and the next,
help my to deny the devil's taunts and promises,
all so tempting,
and let me learn to love and trust
once again.

Speak through me to others,
struggling and fighting
to find stable ground,
to find light in this world of darkness,
use me to help spread Your word.

But most of all,
lead me and guide me in this world,
because now that I've found You
I can't seem to get enough
and can't seem to stop smiling
and shouting out about Your glory.

Thank You 
_____________________________
i haven't written in awhile because i was at a christian youth conference that my parents made me go to so that maybe i could get better. i did. sorta. i haven't cut for almost a week which sounds little, but for me is a big deal and i have accepted Jesus into my heart and now have a good relationship with God and pray whenever i get the urge to cut. i've also started eating again and feel soo much better about a lot of stuff. i wrote this poem when i got back on sunday (it was monday-sunday in louisville, kentucky) totally worth it and i can't wait for when it happens again in 2013 (it happens every 3 years)

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

IDOL

I used to look up to you,
you were everything
I always wanted to be.

From your clothes
to your haircut,
I wanted to look the
same as you.
To a 5 (14) year old,
you were (are) a goddess.

I shadowed your footsteps
and I watched your every move,
intent on copying everything you did.

Not anymore,
you've done (and seen) things
I could only dream
(in my worst nightmares)
I don't want to be like you anymore,
your anorexic demons
scare me and sometimes I wish
that long ago I could have found the strength
to tell you how much I love you
and look up to you,
(maybe you wouldn't be where you are now if I had).

I once asked you for help
when I was facing my own demons,
a lust for steel slicing my skin
and your advice was good;
"find strength in your family,
they will always be there,
ready to help you through it all"
so why couldn't you follow your own advice?
Can't you see your beauty?
I envy it all,
the clothes and the hair and most of all...
your beauty,
so why can't you see it too?

I once looked up to you,
long ago and now it's all I can do
to look at your broken form,
so skinny your bones show through too pale skin
and I wish that you could one day see,
your beauty.

I still look up to you,
always will,
I just wish that there was someone there to
look up to
because now all I see
is a broken form,
once beautiful and now,
too skinny to stand.
(a broken idol)

I will always love you Jenny 
___________________
this poem is dedicated to my idol and cousin, Jenny, who is currently going through treatment for her anorexia and i have always looked up to her even when the family found out about the anorexia. my family supports her all the way and we are all working together to help her heal :) i love her very much and wish that everyone going through anorexia (or any other eating disorder or self harm) could have such a wonderful family. i love her sooooooooooooo much!!!!!!

PS- sorry i haven't posted in forever; summer has started (as you all know) and i have swim so i'm really busy :)

Friday, June 18, 2010

Princes and Frogs (Wishing for You Back)

You once asked me,
when we were laying underneath the dancing stars
and a never-waning moon,
"Why look for a prince,
when there are so many frogs?"
and I told you that I didn't know.
(still don't)

Years and years we've spent together,
"best friends till the end" we always said,
but who was to know that your prince would whisk you away
into another world,
taking you away from me?
He found you and you found him
amongst these frogs hopping in and out of our lives
and I saw you as happy for once,
all your wishes finally granted.
(I only wish they hadn't)

Left alone and abandoned,
waiting for my own prince
or maybe even a frog
because why should we look for a prince,
when there are so many frogs around us?
(still haven't found him)

Looking on and on as I watch you fade away
and I don't know if I ever want to find my prince
(or frog)
if he takes me away
like yours did you.
(can you see the pain I'm suffering, alone?)

Come back to me my best friend,
closest friend,
keeper of all of my secrets
deep and dark or not
do you think your prince would ever let you come back?
(I can only wish)

As I sit in front of the gray stone,
forever marking where your body now lays
and replace the wilted flowers all I have are memories
and I pray to God above
to keep you safe and wonder if you are happy up there,
in heaven with your prince.
(Jesus)

I miss you...

Monday, June 14, 2010

With 3 Dollars

With 3 dollars you can buy
a few candy bars
and maybe a soda.

With 3 dollars you can buy
a jug of milk
or a gallon of orange juice.

With 3 dollars you can buy
a cheap book or two
at a yard sale down the street.

With 3 dollars you can buy
some pencils and a notbook
at Big Lots or Hannafords.

With 3 dollars you can buy
relief from silver razor blades
that cut your pale skin.

I had 3 dollars once and I bought
relief because I'm stupid,
my life has never been the same since.
__________________________________
i wrote this when i got home from hannafords (i had snuck out while my mom was gone and bought some razor blades to cut with)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A Reflection In Her

Sometimes there is a moment when I am looking into my younger sister's chocolate brown eyes, the parallel to my own icy blue, and I see a reflection of a younger me,
a younger child who is just learning how easy it is to take only 26 letters and form them into words and sentences, bending them to my will because I am a writer. (she is a writer)

Sometimes I look at her perfectly straight brown hair, totally different from my slightly curled red and wonder if we are really related and then she will do something that will crush the doubt from my mind. Like when she told me one day that she was confused because when everybody else in her kindergarten class couldn't read or write, but she was already writing poems and everybody made fun of her. I held her for the first time since she was a baby that day and as she cried into my shoulder I smiled. (it happened to me too)

When I look at pictures of her as a younger child if I really try and ignore the hair and eyes I can see that she isn't just some kid off the streets, she's my sister. Yesterday she came home and fought with my dad and for the first time I saw him raise his hand to hit her and I jumped in front of him and for a brief moment I saw knowledge that some old men and women could never comprehend flash there and her smile wavered. When I looked back at pictures of me around that age I realized that I too had lost my smile around them. (I don't want her to lose hers)

At night when I kiss her softly on the forehead because our parents are to drunk to care I can feel something radiating off of her skin, something that feels like happiness and innocence, slowly slipping away. (she is so much like me)

So I wonder if she will ever find relief in a knife or starve herself to be beautiful and then I silently plead to a god I don't believe in to save her and not let anything ever happen to her. (I wish she could stay this innocent forever)

For someone who looks nothing like me, on the inside we are so much alike that it makes me realize that we are sisters, no matter how different we look because on the inside we are the same....
(I just hope she doesn't have to go through what I have)

Oh dear God,
I pray tonight
that you protect my sister
and don't let this cruel world get her
because she deserves to be happy
and innocent. 

________________________________
i wrote this about my younger sister who i am always mad at in one way or another, but one day i looked at her and i saw a younger me and so i wrote this because it was just so surreal....

Thursday, June 3, 2010

In The End

i.
Six years of innocence coming to an oh-so-regretted end, destroyed by the knowledge of a new place to live and a family that is falling apart.
(this shouldn't be happening)
Nobody can see the pain in her bright blue (now dull gray) eyes, they can't seem to get through the walls she put up and the act she put on. At six years she shouldn't have to be acting, at six years she shouldn't have to hide the bruises that cover her arms and lose all the trust her once innocent mind could give.
(it's just wrong)
Watching her parents fight every night and her sisters cry in fear at the load voices that won't leave them alone. At six years she shouldn't have to be a mother.
(but she is)

ii.
Six years later, only twelve years of life have gone by, but already she has aged forty. Her dreams and reality are what many never could comprehend. She has more knowledge in her twelve year old mind that most do at sixty.
(I'd like to see them live through what she does)
Innocence has long since fled from razor blades that took her pain and dulled it into something more manageable, something that she could finally control. Friends had long since ran from her broken form,
(it is too frightening for them to comprehend)
Now all she has is her razor blades and screaming parents and the role of mother to her sisters that can't seem to understand that the cuts and scrapes on her arms aren't from their dog.
(then again, who would expect them to?)
Parents continue to scream and idolized cousins fall to anorexic demons as she falls to her own demons, screaming at her from the razor blades in her pockets. Family is falling apart and so she has nothing to fall on anymore.
(except her razor blades)

iii.
At fourteen she has already considered suicide once or twice and her razor blades have become permanently tattooed into her pale, virgin arms. Friendship and trust are just fairy tales to her.
(who could believe after what she goes through?)
Demons have taken over her life and now she is falling into them because her sisters can live without her now and she doesn't know where to turn so she starves herself hoping her father won't yell at her anymore and cuts herself to dull the pain of everyday life that she shouldn't have to even think about.
(don't you agree?)
She thought she found love once, but it turned on her like everything else in her life and she was left once again. Reality crushed her as her only happiness walked away from her with no turning back because he didn't get what it was like to really care about someone.
(little did he realize how much she needed him)

iv.
She doesn't care anymore fighting for eight years is tiring and she is giving up hope slowly because there is nobody there to catch her as she falls into the depths of your darkest imaginings. Neglected for her whole life she doesn't know how to love or trust anymore and as she fades away from this world she can hear the sirens screaming and realizes at last that there was someone the whole time who cared for her, she only had to look...
(I only had to look)

v.
Help given and now I am finally alive, and the demons have fled from the love that I never knew I could give...
(a happy ending for a sad story)
 _____________________________________
this is my sad, sad story yes... i'm a cutter. :( i have been for a long time, 2 years)

jesus i haven't posted in FOREVER!!! forgive me (although i don't know why i say that because it's not like anybody reads this blog anyway) :( sadness!!!!!!

well everything is the same as last time i posted.. meaning that life is still as boring as ever!!!!!!!!!!! next week i have finals and then..... SUMMER VACA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its pretty great :) so i prob wont be posting for awhile because i have to study, study, study!!!!!!! well then.....

BYE!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Endlessly Bound

i.
Small pills sitting on a table,
waiting to be consumed.
Medicine for your mind,
calming you and making
the depression go away,
even though you secretly want it.

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills"
and lock me in your institutions,
'cause I don't care.
Let me increase the cuts on my
arms by a hundred 'n two,
go on and make me,
'cause I don't care.

ii.
White, padded rooms and straight jackets
are my home now,
razor blades are few.
Food is shoved down my throat
along with those pills,
that "medicine".

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills"
and lock me in your institutions,
'cause I don't care.
Let me increase the cuts on my
arms by a hundred 'n two,
go on and make me,
'cause I don't care.

iii.
Keep on trying to keep me sane,
drug me all you will
cause my mind is still my own
and you can't take it away.
Someday I will get my revenge
on those who did this
to me,
but for now I will play
your sick and twisted games.

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills"
and lock me in your institutions,
'cause I don't care.
Let me increase the cuts on my
arms by a hundred 'n two,
go on and make me,
'cause I don't care.

iv.
The other night I saw it all
as the girl across the hall
broke and ended it all,
I wished to be her
to escape this world,
but I am stuck here
in this padded room and
binding straight jacket.

CHORUS
So drug me up with these
"happy pills"
and lock me in your institutions,
'cause I don't care.
Let me increase the cuts on my
arms by a hundred 'n two,
go on and make me,
'cause I don't care.

I will always hate you
_________________________________
i wrote this song last night after i had a particularly exciting time with  my mom at the gym and then got home and was forced to take my depression meds (let me tell you, it isn't fun, i hate to take them) so i fought with my mom and then i ended up running into my room with the intention of cutting myself, but then i just wrote this song instead cause i've made it through 2 1/2 weeks of not cutting which is a long time for me (a record actually, it may not seem like much, but for a person who has been cutting pretty much daily for 2 years, it's a long time) soooo ya... i wrote this song :) (it's the second song i've ever written, i'm planning to put my first song up sometime soon cause it's a pretty good song and i really like it) i'm thinking of adding some more personal blogs about what is going on in my life (cause that's what blogs are for) hahaha lol well....
BYE!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Harder and Harder We Try

Laughing faces surround me and press down on me,
suffocating me and working at what they do best
destroying innocence


Some days I wish for that young, childhood innocence
that left me all too soon,
fled from razors blades and hunger pains,
half hearted attempts
at beauty.
It's never coming back,
what's lost,
is indeed lost,
it's not coming back and I,
we,
can never get it back
no matter how hard we fight to right these wrongs
that we created ourselves.

Rooms of people trying to get the help they need,
but these razor blades won't go away
and the innocence is lost forever.
Talk all you will,
dream for a better tomorrow,
it will never come.
Grace yourselves into my presence,
cry out for the help that only I can give,
the hope that lurks at the edge of every dark cloud.

Give up those razor blades and hunger pains,
let me comfort your broken form.
Because I can restore your innocence,
I can take all of this endless pain
away from these broken forms
made this way because of this cruel world
that doesn't dare to admit that relief
is all it thirsts for,
relief and peace.

Fight me everyday because you are too afraid
to leave this earth forever and
to take with you the memories of a better life
and the hope that lurked at the edge
of every dark cloud.
you can get better


So drop those razor blades
and eat that whole entire plate sitting in front of you,
taunting you,
you can give up this stubbornness
and let your friends help you out of this
deep hole that you have dug yourself,
causing innocence to flee
and knowledge that one so young
shouldn't have came running.

Let me comfort you,
let me restore a bit of innocence,
let me give you hope.
Keep on fighting for the ones you love
who love you back,
I did.
i am just like you


So just keep trying,
we are too...
__________________________________

i wrote this poem today after i went to group therapy (i'm a cutter and have food issues) and it's mainly for everyone out there who has to battle through the same feelings of depression and  insecurity, encouraging them that there is someone out there who really does care :)
~~~
since last post i didn't really introduce myself i figured i'd give a little blurb about myself right now and you can always read my "about me" thingy in the side column ....

so i'm a writer (duh) and i carry around this red notebook that i jot down ideas and even sometimes complete poems when they come to me (it used to be blue, but that one fell apart) i'm always writing or thinking about writing (even in school, cause who pays attention in class anyway?) and today i learned that 2 1/2 hours of writing burns 217.5 calories which makes me pretty excited cause now my parents can't pull the "writing doesn't do anything for you and it doesn't involve exercise" well guess what guys??? IT BURNS CALORIES!!!! so there, fight that mom and dad!!! (i'm such a rebel) haha lol okay so that's me..... enjoy my blog!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Not As It Seems

If I took off my sweatshirt
right now,
underneath the watching moon,
what would you see?

Would you see the permanent
scars that lace up my
arms like permanent tattoos
as scars that I created
because I am a cutter?

Or would you see
the pain that caused them,
the echoing laughter
that was directed
at me?

Would you see my
bony arms as those
of an anorexic
who only thirst to be
beautiful?

Or would you hear
the yells of an angry father
who never saw me
as beautiful,
no matter how skinny,
no matter how hard I tried?

So what would you see?
_____________________

there it is..... that right there is a poem that i wrote a few days ago in science :) hahaha i'm such a rebel......
anyway i had no idea what to do for my first post so i figured what the heck??? i'll just post my writing seeing as this blog is about my writing good reasoning huh??? lol

WELCOME to my blog!!!!!!!!!