Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Relapse

21  silly bandz all in a row twisting around each other on this
all-too-small wrist
& hiding the truth underneath them,
5 perfectly straight red lines,
proof that the blade has found my wrist once again.
I'm so sorry I've relapsed.
1 week of freedom & laughter,
blow away in one moment of pain & sadness
that was all too real to control
& here I am sitting in this lone stall
experiencing a reunion of blade on flesh
& blood spilling the truth.
I can't believe that I was so weak.

3 cuts placed on a shoulder,
all jagged & perfectly placed
to look as if they were an accidental
"meeting with a tree"
when really they were a small silver blade
dragged across my skin.
Cutting is a barbaric artform.

And all of this pain & suffering
was brought about by only one rude comment
that nobody realized would have such and impact
on this broken girl,
trying so hard to recover from this adiction,
on my own...

I'm so sorry I relapsed.
___________________________________________
i wrote this a few days after i started cutting again and put it on the writing site that i use (YWP-a site for kids in the part of the US i live in) which my close friend who happens to be a christian is on and she knows who i am and so i put this on to kinda show her that the whole "God" thing isn't working out for me and everything is getting worse because of it. soooo ya...

about camp.
it was interesting i had a lot of fun for the first 2 days and then this girl on my team made this really rude comment that i didn't hear that made some girls start laughing and i knew it was about me and this other girl called me a bitch to my face and said she was sorry but it still hurt and so i slipped away at night and cut myself with the razor blade that i had brought with me to camp. so i wasn't able to complete the challenge even though i made it a whole 4 days without cutting, only 3 days away from a whole week. i'm so pissed. and i know that i probably will never be able to make it a week again for a long time cause school starts tomorrow and i'm going to be a sophomore and my sisters are going to be in 3rd(Abi) and 6th(Bri) grade. they are both moving schools (Bri is going to middle school and Abi is moving from the elementary school to the "intermediate" school) and i have cross country where half the team hates me and then my dad is going to pressure me to get all A's again and if i get so much as a B he is going to blow at me and i know i'll go cut (he wonders why i never talk about the grades i got on homework or tests/quizzes-not like i get bad grades, but when i get anything below a 98 my dad flips and i mostly get 90-95s and that's not good enough for him)

ya, so school starts up tomorrow and so i probably won't be posting as much (but i will try my hardest) and most of my posts will probably just be my writing and no actual blogs about how life is going (again, i will try  my hardest to do this though)

wish me luck in school tomorrow and i will keep trying to complete my challenge of going a week without cutting (though i know that it is going to be almost impossible) :(

~LITW

PS- i'm thinking of changing my name on here to Ti-Jay (or Tee-Jay), what do you think/ which one do you like better??

Friday, August 20, 2010

camp

so i leave for camp in a few hours, can't wait! (and yes, i am blogging at 2 in the morning cause that's the only time i can get the laptop for a bit all to myself)

i haven't cut yet (so 2 days of my 7 down) and let me tell you, it's been soooo hard! i keep getting these urges to cut, but i like a challenge so i am trying not to cut for a week and i've been moodier than usual lately cause i have nothing to do with my anger. lets hope being away from my family (not that i don't love them) for a week will be good for me.

my cousins (Rachel and Jenny) are up this weekend, which kinda sucks cause i'm at camp, but i'm just going to have to deal...

got a new camera today (yay!!) it's my birthday present/reward for not writing on myself for over 4 months (i used to do it alot)

my birthday is on thursday coming up, can't wait! sooo close to 15 and my permit :)

gotta go sleep now,
~LITW

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Challenges

so this is going to be a quick one seeing as it is really late and i'm going to be painting the deck tomorrow and then maybe getting a new camera :)

i've been challenged to go a week without cutting and figured if i start today then the week will be over on my birthday and i'm going to be in camp for the whole week. i hope that's not considered cheating cause i'l be at camp (leaving early saturday morning) and i always have alot of fun there....

so what do you think?

post soon (hopefully)
~LITW

Uphill Decline

i.
Shouts & yells ringing through this broken home,
ringing in the innocent ears of young children,
told that they will never be anything
& that they are worthless, stupid
mistakes.
Told they are ugly & fat by a father
who could care less what they do
& when one found relief in her razor blades
he just yells some more about them being
attention whores & disgraces
& doesn't understand why she can't seem to stop
this slicing of her skin.

ii.
& then God found them & picked them up,
placing them on solid ground
& giving them the love that they'd always wanted & needed.
They were happy & carefree
because their father could not touch them anymore
& God shielded them from the harsh words
& even harsher hate,
but He knew that it wouldn't last for long
& that one would fall into Satan's trap
because she just felt so unloved & hated
& she knew that good things would never last.

iii.
So short a time she found God's relief & love,
it's sad to watch,
she fell away from her Father in Heaven
& went back to trying to please her father on earth
who didn't care about her at all.
Green Tea & Ice Cold Water became her food
& sustenance
as she starved herself to be skinny the way her father
wanted her to be
because she could only see how fat & ugly she was
& it warped her brain,
she enjoyed the hunger pains & headaches & tiredness
because she knew that for every meal she skipped,
she lost more weight & maybe would finally win some of her father's love.

iv.
So there she is wandering in endless circles,
first slicing her own skin
& then finding God's love,
only to fade away & starve to be skinny
so she can get her father's love & maybe be pretty in his eyes
at last.
She goes forward and backward,
uphill and downhill at the same time
because this life of hers (mine) is just so twisted & confusing.
& she (I) just can't seem to change.
________________________________________
this is a poem i wrote about my life and how i cut mysel for a long time because of my semi abusive dad (he only hits me sometimes, it's rare, but still counts - like during our fight on monday he hit me with the book i was reading (Wicked, really good, by the way) and now i have a bruised back and he flipped me over and hit me so hard that i got a bloody nose, he said sorry though, but he normally does that when he looses control) so it's how i cut because of my dad and then i went to this Christian conference and ended up accepting Jesus into my heart, but after about a month i went back to my old ways of trying to please my dad and this time it was by working out more and eating less because according to my dad i am FAT (which i have to agree with someimes) and then a month after that i went back to cutting again and now my life is just as bad as it was before i accepted Jesus and i'm pretty sure that he's left by now cause i would be scared shitless (pardon the language) to be with someone like me.

and that is my post of the day,

i'm going to my grandparents' cottage today and will be getting new running shoes for cross country afterwards. can't wait! i leave for camp at 7am on saturday! so excited!!!

~LITW

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

so even though i really don't have any of my writing to post i feel that i owe it to this blog (and the readers) to post something....

so i will.

i have been having an okay(ish) week with some ups and downs and in betweens. well, a lot of downs, but a few ups so it kinda balences out and doesn't make me feel like jumping off a cliff or something (haha?)

UPS:
-my grandparents (mom's side) are up for the week and are staying in a cute little red cottage over in the islands and it's right on the lake and we got to spend all of the day yesterday there and we swam and had a lot of fun (my sisters and i swam, my grandparents can't really swim anymore)
-on friday i might get a new digital camera (which if i do, i will take some pics and put them up here) :)

DOWNS:
-i started cutting again after 2 months of not cutting and have cut everyday since i started up again, save for yesterday because i wasn't home until late and didn't bring my "supplies" with me to the cabin
-on monday night i got into a fight with my dad (it was bad) and i almost got kicked out (if it wasn't for my mom stepping in and telling him that if he kicks me out i would get raped and killed cause i'm only 14 - 15 next week! - thank God for my mother) and so it's been decided that if i get out of line again my parents are going to make me go to this "home" for cutters, anorexics, suicidal peoples, basically just people with problems (i almost went during april when my parents found out about the cutting because of Mary - my bitchy not-friend-anymore) in short, my parents don't want me around anymore
-my parents noticed some of my new cuts and are now checking me again so i have to be VERY careful where i cut (if u don't cut ur probably jut thinking "don't cut", but if ur a cutter u understand that once u start it's very, VERY hard to stop and when u get the urge u can't help it)

--
so ya, my week has been very interesting (mostly bad, but that's my life so i don't worry about it) i just try to look at the good things like the fact that i'm going to a cross country camp on saturday and don't get back till thursday (my birthday)

well gotta go! (my sisters are calling, babyitting, ugh)

~LITW

Monday, August 16, 2010

What I Don't Know

You don't want me anymore
(if you ever wanted me),
I'm not as stupid as you think I am,
give me some credit,
please?
I can see through these thin paper excuses
why you couldn't call or email or message me
about the team hanging out,
I can see that you didn't want me there
because nobody seems to want me anymore.
I know you're lying because my number isn't unknown,
you know it because I gave it to you
& you have my email,
I gave that to you too
& we are friends on facebook because
you added me,
when we were friends still,
before the rumors & lies reached you
& before you grew to realize that nobody wants me around,
the maniac ginger who cuts herself.
I know what it's like to be friendless

My family doesn't want me around either,
I can't say I'm surprised.
I'm not deaf ya know,
I can hear them talking about me at night
& when I try to spend time with my mom
she smiles & says she can't wait to spend time with her oldest
& then when she goes downstairs to my father I can hear her say;
"I don't want her to come,
I don't want her with me."
It's almost like she "forgets" that there is a vent downstairs that connects to my room upstairs & I can hear every word.
My dad doesn't even attempt to hide it,
constantly saying I'm worthless & stupid
& will never amount to anything because nobody wants me;
the annoying, talkative, somewhat bipolar kid
with mood swings that swing higher than playground swings.
I know what it's like to be hated by my family

God doesn't want me either,
even though they say in church that He loves everyone,
I can tell them one person he doesn't want with Him in Heaven
(if He or Heaven even exist)
me.
I try to do as the Bible says & I obey every command,
but it never works out & I'm always blamed by my fellow
"Christians"
who scorn my for my scars & chaotic thinking & hate me.
like everyone else.
I know what it's like to not be loved by a "loving" God

I know hate & disgust & friendless weekends & a loveless life,
what I don't know is why I still try.

(& people wonder why I cut & am so damn messed up)
___________________
this is one of my more depressing pieces, which u should start to expect more of in the next few weeks as i have relapsed back into cutting after not for about 2 solid months :( and it pissed me off that i went back to the blade and my writing tends to reflect my moods which right now are pissed, sad, depressed, and just lonely<--- (first 2 stanzas of this poem explain why)

~LITW

Friday, August 13, 2010

Celebration of Life

I've always said that when I die
I want my coffin to be blue,
my favorite color.
& people laugh at me,
saying they love my personality
& my love of life.
(they don't understand)

I do want my coffin to be blue,
light blue
like the sky on a warm summer's day.

Damn the black,
depressing stuff of ordinary funerals,
I want mine to be a party,
a celebration of my life
& my individualistic ways.

I want people to laugh,
not cry,
I want them to remember how I always can make people laugh,
even when they just want to cry
& how no matter the subject,
I always had some stupid joke that cracked everyone up
& left them laughing.

I want dogs to be at my funeral,
they don't have to be mine,
they just have to be there
because my dog lit up my darkest day
& I want them to light up the grave site where I lay,
I want everyone to laugh at them as they
romp around,
enjoying life just like I did.

& I don't want people to wear black during the service,
I want them to wear their brightest colors
& a smile on their faces
because I've dealt with sadness
& think it's stupid to morn me when I am in heaven,
with God,
having the time of my life
& I don't want to look down on my family & see them crying
'cause it would break my heart,
besides,
I've always thought crying at funerals is stupid
because funerals should be a celebration of their life
& not mourning them
'cause I'm never going to be gone,
as long as I have family & friends on earth.
(I will always be with them in their heart)

So celebrate my life,
don't mourn it.
____________________________
i wrote this after i watched a show where this kid died when he walked outside to his car and got stabbed in the back and i realized that life is short and u should just enjoy every day cause u never know if it is going to be your last. this is what i want my funeral to be like, i'm serious.

sorry about the depressingness :)

love you all!! comment please :)
~LITW

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

You

You promised to always be there,
ready to catch me when I fall
(& so far you have.)

You let me confess my secrets,
even when you already knew
because confession is good for the soul
(& you didn't judge me.)

You whispered words of love
in my ear
which had only ever heard shouting & curses
(& it made me smile.)

You sent wonderful breezes
to twist around my broken form,
making me whole
(& I laughed with glee.)
You filled me up in ways that nothing
else could
(& never left me.)

& I thank you 
__________________________________
the "You" i am talking about in this is God (FYI) and i wrote this yesterday and promised that i would put it on here and so i did cause i'm a woman of my word. and there you have it. i don't have time to do an actual blog about my life so i'm gonna do it tomorrow (maybe) if i can find the time (i'm going to be on the go for the whole day pretty much)

~LITW

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Inspired

(this post its just going to be me rambling - no poems or anything - FYI)

so after reading Feather's blog (which you really should read, it is amazing) i have been inspired to actually blog some about my randomly somewhat boring and sometimes exciting life :) so u can thank Feather for the loss of IQ. haha.

my day so far: my mom and Abi got back last night around 8 and today my mom and dad had to work so i got the privilege (NOT! haha) of babysitting Abi as she is only 8 and i took her to the dollar store to get silly bands and then we went to the library where i got Wicked which i hear is a good book, but haven't read it yet and can't really say if it's good or not (i will let you know when i get around to reading it). on our way home (we walked and it's like 90 degrees out and i was sweating like a pig! <- not sure u needed or wanted to know that, oh well...) so on our way home we ran into my best fried Tess and her younger sister Serena and decided that we are going to go to the pool together in an hour or so (yay!) and then we got home and i got on the computer....
and that is my day so far...

what is planned for later:
- going swimming with Tess and Serena (and maybe their little sister Shai)
- running in a 5k cross country race (NOT looking forward to it)
- getting back from the race and going straight to bed (after i take my shower cause i'll be sweaty)

and that is my blog about my life for today :)
i might possibly post a poem i wrote this morning tomorrow(ish)

GOD IS GOOD!!!! <---- random thought of the day :)

Monday, August 9, 2010

Destruction of the Unknown (and a blog about my day)

I've spent ages & ages trying & trying to feel like I belong
& every time I do
I always mess it up
like a child playing with play-dough when they figure;
this looks bad
except for them it is innocent destruction of something
they wanted to destroy
& they could care less,
but for me it is on purpose
because I fear the confrontation
& inexperience of my almost 15 years
that I try to hide behind knowledge of material things
& not things that matter
like relationships & love & laughter & freedom & life.

I pulled away from my would-be first kiss
'cause I thought that I would somehow do it wrong
& he wouldn't want me anymore
'cause I've never kissed (or been kissed) before,
& I skipped out of shopping with my "sista from anotha mista"
'cause I was afraid of her realizing
that I've never shopped before
'cause I was too caught up studying & reading & writing
about everything I didn't understand.

I've experienced love once or twice
& fled because I didn't understand this feeling,
short of breath & heart pounding & mind swirling
& I shut myself off & pretended that I didn't care that
nobody liked me anymore
'cause I was just a stuck up bitch
(or seemed to be.)

I flee from things I don't understand
& it prevents me from living a life fulfilled
with love & laughter & happiness
& I sometimes secretly wish that I could erase time
& go back to middle school where I first shut myself away,
holed up in my little shell.

If only someone would pry inside
& open me up to see the person I really am,
a girl afraid of things unknown
& wishing I could be brave enough to try. 

_________________________________________
i'm not going to say why i wrote this because truthfully i don't really know, it just kinda popped into my head. (it is true though) i wanted to take a moment to blog about my life and give thanks to Feather for the shout out she gave me, made me feel so loved <3

and now for a blog about the happenings in my life, which i haven't done for awhile (well, ever)....

so today i hung out with my best friend Anna and it was sooo much fun!!! we played LIFE (the board game) and then went on some errands with her mom and shopped a little. it was really funny cause we were checking out and she reached in her pocket and remembered that she left her money in the car :) luckily her little sister Sarah was there and able to pay for her and then Anna paid her back.
i was supposed to go to this end-of-summer swim banquet, but it was raining and i figured that it had been canceled and so hung out with Anna longer and when we drove by the pool i saw that it hadn't been called off and i was like; "shoot, they're going to kill me" but i've been on the team for 5 years now and doubt they would be too mad :) (i hope) haha

well off to watch tv with my dad while my mom and youngest sister (Abi) are coming back from New York (they were bringing my other little sister, Bri, to her friend, Emma's, house and she's spending the week there-yay!!!! only one little sister to deal with!!!!!) really excited cause i'm babysitting Noah, the CUTEST child EVER on thursday :) can't wait!!!!

bye bye blog readers :)

PS- who else LOVES the new background????

Friday, August 6, 2010

Moving On

I've spent years & years
spilling out my secrets
with only 26 letters
& random punctuation
that wasn't always right,
but oh well,
I really didn't/don't
care.

I've long since given up
getting rid of the ink stains
under my fingernails
& the coffee stains on my notebooks
& accepted that this is who I am,
a writer.

I've finally given up searching
for myself
because I've found that I'm right here
& that searching for something that
is right in front of me is
pointless.

& I've finally let go of the pain
that led me to darkness
& found that the light is a much better place
to be.

I poured out my secrets
onto pages & pages of tattered notebook paper
& after years & years of secrets,
I've finally let go
& moved on.
__________________________________________
i wrote this poem about my cutting and anorexia that i fought with for 2 long years and about how i finally stopped caring about appearances and discovered who i am and that the answer was sitting right in front of me the whole time and now i've finally found the strength to move on.