Monday, May 2, 2016

Anger

I've been feeling angry lately and a part of me doesn't know if it is partially because I'm grieving the loss of a good friend or if I'm just angry.

You see, the other day on campus I happened to walk by a tour where a potential student was asked by the tour guide what the medallion he had on a necklace was.  It was his answer that made me angry because he was able to say that it was his year medallion that meant he had been sober for a year.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at him, how could I be?  I couldn't help but be a little proud of him, even though he was a complete stranger.  What made me mad was that I will never have that.  It has almost been a year and a half since I last cut or burned myself and there is no way for me to let anyone know.  I don't want the attention, I want the support.  I want someone to ask me what my medallion means and be able to proudly say that I have been fighting my demons, and winning, for over a year.  But I don't get that, I won't get that.  And the worst part is that I only have one person that I can text to say I've made it another year, there is only one person in my life, a person who I don't really even talk to anymore, who knows that I'm still fighting.  My mother thinks I've been free of my demons since high school because I couldn't let her know that I'd relapsed when I did because she would have made me leave college, a place where I have been changed so much.  I just wish I had a way to reach out to people and let them know that I've struggled without them being scared away, because my scars just make people run, they don't make them stop to ask how I've been.

Also, I mentioned earlier that I could be angry because its part of the grieving process, which is unfortunately true.  During some of my darkest moments and woman and her 5 sons were there for me and the oldest son was killed in a car accident a week ago.  I know it will hurt for a long time and I'm trying to make it through by myself because I don't feel like I have the right to grieve.  I feel like only the family can grieve and that nobody else has a real reason.  And I know that this isn't true, but it is how I feel and how I've always felt.  When a friend of mine was killed in an accident a year ago I only let myself cry once and when one of my best friends' mom died last Thanksgiving I only shed a few tears even though I had loved her dearly.  I guess I just don't ever think I have a right to miss people unless I'm related to them and I know that is awful and unfair to myself, but it is true.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

I want things for myself.

I want great things for myself and I don't think that is selfish.  I've gone through hell and back more times than I can count and I've somehow pulled through each time and I deserve better.  I deserve good things.  I deserve my dream job, love, and maybe even a family someday.  I deserve all of these things and I'm sick of my brain telling me that I don't, telling me that I'm not good enough for anything and that I will never have the things that I deserve.  I stress day in and day out about my grades in college, about my LSAT scores, about how I will measure up against other law school applicants when I start applying in the fall.  I can't keep beating myself down if I'm going to make it in this world.  I want good things for myself and I'm trying to learn that it isn't selfish and that I'm not a failure.  I get a fucking B in a class or a 68 on a test and I freak out, I can't breathe, I feel like I won't go on to do great things, but I will do great things.  I will make a difference, at least in my own life, I will be my own hero.  I've been fighting for my life since I was 12 and I honestly didn't realize it until just now.  I've been fighting and I haven't given myself any credit for getting through it.  I'm eating, I haven't cut in a year and 3 months, I'm trying to learn to love myself.  I want to celebrate everything I've accomplished in these last 8 years.  8 years of fighting and ups and downs and feeling useless and dumb and worthless.  But I'm alive.  I actually want things now, I have dreams that are real and that I'm working towards.  16 year old me didn't think life was meant for me, thought that college would destroy me if high school didn't, but I'm finally flourishing.  I'm growing into a person that I'm proud of and I'm still fighting.  And I want things, for the first time in my life I really want things, I want a life that I love.  I can't let myself get held back by the worry, the anxiety, the depression; that isn't me, I am confident, I am smart, I am loyal, I am a good person.  And it isn't selfish to want things, it isn't selfish to feel good about myself.  It shows that I'm healing and I'm finally heading in the right direction.  It shows I'm keeping my promise to myself - to make my years outside of being a teenager be the best of my life.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Two-Way Street

I spent all of my time trying to carry your weight on my shoulders,
that there wasn't enough room for my own.

It wasn't anything but my own folly that broke me;
I was too trusting,
too willing to do anything for you,
too stubborn to listen to those telling me to focus on me first,
too loyal to turn my back on you, even when your problems started crushing me
and I started to feel like Atlas with the world resting on my back -
slowly bringing me down to one knee that was sinking deep into the sand
shifting beneath me.

I should have known it didn't go both ways.

When the weight was too much and I could hardly take another problem;
you came to me with one more
and I was to naive to realize that our friendship wasn't a two way street,
our friendship was you using me to balance the weight you didn't want to carry
because you were too lazy to handle your own crushing pain,
let alone my own.

So as my knee sinks into the sand that I've discovered was placed underneath me
by none other than
you,
the one who I was balancing the world for,
I'm gathering up my strength to push myself back onto my feet -
to throw off the extra weight I can no longer handle,
to feel the wind in my hair and stand straight with pride
because I can't let myself be crushed by the weight I've carried for someone
who refuses to split the weight of life and pain
with the only person who has taken the time to try and help them handle the weight,
because friendship is a two way street.
I won't help carry yours if you won't help carry mine
and I've learned that it isn't selfish to ask that,
it is too hard to carry more than the amount of pain you were built to handle
and love doesn't mean that you have to take all of someone else's pain,
it means that you share all of it.

I'm done. 
So watch me stand straight again and throw off the extra weight you gave me,
because I'm done breaking myself to carry all of the pain on my 
already weakened shoulders. 

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Alone.

There are points when I think everyone, deep down, has an overwhelming desire for someone to look them in the eye and know that they aren't really okay.  To validate them, to pull them into a hug without any questions and let them cry into their shoulder, to let them know that they are loved and cared for.  To know that they have a person who can see through the smiles.

I wish I had a person.

It feels like I have nobody.  I don't have anyone to look me in the eye and realize that the smiles and the excessive talking and jokes are all a lie.  When did I get so good at lying? It feels like my world is crashing down around me and I can barely stand.  I just want to stay in my bed all day and do nothing, I'm tired all of the time.  I've been struggling and fighting for so long that it almost feels like I'm getting comfortable and returning home in a way when the depression overwhelms me again.  I'm so done with it all and I honestly just want to give in.  If I can't make it through the first four years of college, how am I supposed to make it through the three years of law school?

All I really want is to have a person that I know will understand and will just let me cry for a bit, who will really care and won't freak out.  I thought I'd found that person, but then she fucked me over and now I feel more alone than ever.

I think that I'm just destined to suffer alone, silently, forever.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

I have no one to tell that I'm so close to relapsing I can taste copper in my mouth.  I have no 2 am person, I used to not care about others but now I have a new perspective and I can't live with the guilt of involving someone else in my messed up head.

I need help.

I have nowhere to turn.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Struggling

I'm so close to relapsing, I'm terrified.

I don't know why it suddenly hit me today like an overwhelming wave, knocking me backwards for a moment.  Where the trigger is I have no idea, I had such a great time last night with friends and then today I was suddenly hit with an urge so strong that I had to start snapping rubber bands on my wrist to stop myself from doing something worse.  It's been over a year and I can't afford to cut or burn again, I want to make it to 2 years.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Life Update?

I don't really know how to start so I'm just going to jump right in I guess:
I think I want to start a YouTube channel.  I think it would be really fun and I could do college advice videos and law school videos and maybe some fun vlogs, but the thing is that I already have a channel with one of my best friends.  We don't post very much, but we are supposed to start posting once a week on Fridays beginning today.  I'm excited about it, though I don't know how long it will last because it feels like my friend and I always make plans for this channel and then they fall apart so I don't know if we will be making many videos.  I can totally see it turning into something where we keep up with posting for maybe a month or two and then we will stop, so I don't really know what to do because I kinda want a channel of my own.  I used to make videos on my own in high school, but they were never really good because I didn't know what to do or what it was that I wanted my videos to be like, but now I know.  I think I'll just wait to see how the channel with my friend goes and if it starts to die out a bit then I can start my own channel back up again.

In other news, I've lost 15 pounds since last Christmas and I'm so incredibly happy about it.  I'm now weighing the same amount I did when I was a sophomore in high school and it's definitely my best weight, though I think I'm going to work on maybe losing a couple more pounds and working out more to define my abs a bit and tuck in some of the extra fat that is poking out in my stomach/waist area.

Well, it's officially 2016 and I'm already working on my New Year's Resolutions which are as follows;

  • stop saying sorry so much and apologizing for things that aren't my fault
  • work out more
  • eat healthier (translation: like, actually eat because I haven't been eating much)
  • keep up with videos on my friend and my's YouTube channel
  • save and manage money better
  • create a study/homework schedule and stick to it
  • enjoy the little things more
  • try to manage stress better


Happy 2016!! Have a wonderful year!