Sunday, February 21, 2016

Two-Way Street

I spent all of my time trying to carry your weight on my shoulders,
that there wasn't enough room for my own.

It wasn't anything but my own folly that broke me;
I was too trusting,
too willing to do anything for you,
too stubborn to listen to those telling me to focus on me first,
too loyal to turn my back on you, even when your problems started crushing me
and I started to feel like Atlas with the world resting on my back -
slowly bringing me down to one knee that was sinking deep into the sand
shifting beneath me.

I should have known it didn't go both ways.

When the weight was too much and I could hardly take another problem;
you came to me with one more
and I was to naive to realize that our friendship wasn't a two way street,
our friendship was you using me to balance the weight you didn't want to carry
because you were too lazy to handle your own crushing pain,
let alone my own.

So as my knee sinks into the sand that I've discovered was placed underneath me
by none other than
you,
the one who I was balancing the world for,
I'm gathering up my strength to push myself back onto my feet -
to throw off the extra weight I can no longer handle,
to feel the wind in my hair and stand straight with pride
because I can't let myself be crushed by the weight I've carried for someone
who refuses to split the weight of life and pain
with the only person who has taken the time to try and help them handle the weight,
because friendship is a two way street.
I won't help carry yours if you won't help carry mine
and I've learned that it isn't selfish to ask that,
it is too hard to carry more than the amount of pain you were built to handle
and love doesn't mean that you have to take all of someone else's pain,
it means that you share all of it.

I'm done. 
So watch me stand straight again and throw off the extra weight you gave me,
because I'm done breaking myself to carry all of the pain on my 
already weakened shoulders. 

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Alone.

There are points when I think everyone, deep down, has an overwhelming desire for someone to look them in the eye and know that they aren't really okay.  To validate them, to pull them into a hug without any questions and let them cry into their shoulder, to let them know that they are loved and cared for.  To know that they have a person who can see through the smiles.

I wish I had a person.

It feels like I have nobody.  I don't have anyone to look me in the eye and realize that the smiles and the excessive talking and jokes are all a lie.  When did I get so good at lying? It feels like my world is crashing down around me and I can barely stand.  I just want to stay in my bed all day and do nothing, I'm tired all of the time.  I've been struggling and fighting for so long that it almost feels like I'm getting comfortable and returning home in a way when the depression overwhelms me again.  I'm so done with it all and I honestly just want to give in.  If I can't make it through the first four years of college, how am I supposed to make it through the three years of law school?

All I really want is to have a person that I know will understand and will just let me cry for a bit, who will really care and won't freak out.  I thought I'd found that person, but then she fucked me over and now I feel more alone than ever.

I think that I'm just destined to suffer alone, silently, forever.