Sunday, November 30, 2014

things that were ruined: fire

once upon a time there was innocence
and now there is only a broken record of memories,
the tortured screams that echo in the darkest corners of a mind
that was once filled with light.

everything has changed

fire crackling, worming its way through the wood,
popping and snapping inside
as it warms a house used to mean comfort
and safety,
now it is only a memory of fear.
the fire was crackling that night as
innocence fled the scene of its own murder
and hiding under blankets with the sound
of a fire crackling nearby was the only way
to keep a little bit of sanity.
now that sanity is driven away by that sound
as the comfort needed at that time,
became attached to the memory of why
comfort was needed in the first place.


Friday, November 28, 2014

In Retrospect

It is so weird accidentally finding little pieces of the past online, especially when they are pieces of the past of someone you know. Part of me finds it somewhat hilarious how easily I seem to accidentally find these little tidbits of the people I care about's past and how much they teach me about these people. I've learned a lot through these accidental occurrences of past tidbits and sometimes I wonder if someone else might find some pieces of my past scattered around. And that makes me think about how these people may feel if they knew that I was finding their old blogs and youtube channels and whatnot, I know that I would hate for them to find this blog or other blogs that I've had (though they would be pretty hard to find because my name is only really attached to this one) or even past youtube channels I've had. I've got secrets that are spread around, secrets that I would hate for them to find out. That makes me think about maybe not reading blogs or watching videos that I find, are there things that they've done or said that they regret and don't want to be known?

What once was something that amused me has really made me rethink who I am as a person and I really don't like this person that I see in the mirror.

Monday, November 17, 2014

over thinking

sometimes I just want to turn them off,
to flip a switch and make the thoughts stop
circling like hawks over prey
going and going and going until they win or -
in my case -
I just give up.
you see, I've got this problem with my thoughts
not wanting to stop running around,
driving me slowly insane
because the littlest thing becomes
so much more and I can't
get it out of my head.
so I write,
put the jumbled thoughts down
on white paper that makes everything seem
more real, less in my imagination
and it makes it worse at the same time
as it makes everything better.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Unwanted

You ever get that feeling where all you want to do is forget, but you can't? The people that you hate keep showing up in your life over and over and over again without any warning and the memories come flooding back in a stream of consciousness that makes you want to scream. For me, its all of the things that happened at my old college that make me want to break down, to give up, to just take that last step over the edge and be done. And people keep showing up in my life again and again, just when I'm about to get over it all. Maybe not someone involved directly, but someone who was there or involved in my life. I just want them all to be gone. I don't want Facebook notifications from them, I don't want to get a text, I don't want to see pictures on instagram. Because they get to keep living their lives without a single bad memory, without having a fear sitting in the back of their stomach that makes it hard for them to eat food or interact with people. I can't be touched anymore because of what happened there and I'm stuck trying to repair my life and start over when they get to keep living and laughing and being completely okay with life. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stood up and talked about it in front of everyone, if maybe it would get better and maybe I'd be able to truly live again.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Life

So, its been awhile (as it usually is between my posts) and I have a bit of venting that I need to do.  This isn't going to be a poetry post today, this is going to be a post where I just let everything out because maybe it will help this feeling in my stomach like I've got nothing.

I've never been so happy in my entire life, but I've also never been so depressed or anxious about everything either. I don't know how this is even a thing, but I need to figure it out soon or I might just explode and all of my secrets and lies are going to spill out over everything.  I got involved with the Quidditch team at my college and I never thought I'd find a sport (or a team for that matter) that would feel so right, feel like a second family, feel so comforting and okay.  It is so freaking wonderful and sometimes I'm terrified that its all going to end suddenly and I won't have anything anymore to keep me going as the rest of my life is spiraling out of control.  And while my team is wonderful and I love the sport, it isn't perfect.  There are days where I feel so ignored and lost, like nobody really cares if I'm there or not and I try to tell myself its just my brain being stupid, but that doesn't really help much.  I work my butt off for this team, I refuse to miss practice and I practice hard even when I feel like puking or passing out - god damn it I went to practice the afternoon after I had spent the previous night in the ER for 3 hours.  I'm dedicated and I give my all, but its like nobody ever notices.  So I keep pushing and I keep working hard in the hopes that someday, someone will look at me and say I did a good job and they will acknowledge my hard work and effort in front of the entire team.  My whole life I've been a disappointment and now I work so hard to not be, but I feel like one anyway.  And its starting to make it hard to go to class, to pay attention, to do my homework, to actually try.  I can feel the depression sitting in the back of my mind like a monster I can't scare away and my anxiety is getting to the point where I can't eat anymore because I feel sick all of the time.  Its like something is tugging at the back of my throat, blocking it from accepting any food and when I can get food down it feels like it is going to come back up as soon as it reaches my stomach.  I'm just trying to figure everything out right now, there is so much going on in my life with my family and with my roommate that I just feel like exploding.  I really hope that nothing more gets added to my load right now because then I'm afraid that I'll take it all out on my team and alienate myself from them and shut down like I always do.  Then I won't have anything because I don't think I'll ever be able to open up to them fully and explain things so that they don't hate me.  I'd feel like I was making excuses for myself.  Its not their fault I'm messed up inside, I should be able to hide it and keep it out of other aspects of my life.

Ugh, life can get so hard sometimes, but I always keep fighting. Hopefully someday things will lighten up and I'll get better.