Wednesday, June 30, 2010

IDOL

I used to look up to you,
you were everything
I always wanted to be.

From your clothes
to your haircut,
I wanted to look the
same as you.
To a 5 (14) year old,
you were (are) a goddess.

I shadowed your footsteps
and I watched your every move,
intent on copying everything you did.

Not anymore,
you've done (and seen) things
I could only dream
(in my worst nightmares)
I don't want to be like you anymore,
your anorexic demons
scare me and sometimes I wish
that long ago I could have found the strength
to tell you how much I love you
and look up to you,
(maybe you wouldn't be where you are now if I had).

I once asked you for help
when I was facing my own demons,
a lust for steel slicing my skin
and your advice was good;
"find strength in your family,
they will always be there,
ready to help you through it all"
so why couldn't you follow your own advice?
Can't you see your beauty?
I envy it all,
the clothes and the hair and most of all...
your beauty,
so why can't you see it too?

I once looked up to you,
long ago and now it's all I can do
to look at your broken form,
so skinny your bones show through too pale skin
and I wish that you could one day see,
your beauty.

I still look up to you,
always will,
I just wish that there was someone there to
look up to
because now all I see
is a broken form,
once beautiful and now,
too skinny to stand.
(a broken idol)

I will always love you Jenny 
___________________
this poem is dedicated to my idol and cousin, Jenny, who is currently going through treatment for her anorexia and i have always looked up to her even when the family found out about the anorexia. my family supports her all the way and we are all working together to help her heal :) i love her very much and wish that everyone going through anorexia (or any other eating disorder or self harm) could have such a wonderful family. i love her sooooooooooooo much!!!!!!

PS- sorry i haven't posted in forever; summer has started (as you all know) and i have swim so i'm really busy :)

Friday, June 18, 2010

Princes and Frogs (Wishing for You Back)

You once asked me,
when we were laying underneath the dancing stars
and a never-waning moon,
"Why look for a prince,
when there are so many frogs?"
and I told you that I didn't know.
(still don't)

Years and years we've spent together,
"best friends till the end" we always said,
but who was to know that your prince would whisk you away
into another world,
taking you away from me?
He found you and you found him
amongst these frogs hopping in and out of our lives
and I saw you as happy for once,
all your wishes finally granted.
(I only wish they hadn't)

Left alone and abandoned,
waiting for my own prince
or maybe even a frog
because why should we look for a prince,
when there are so many frogs around us?
(still haven't found him)

Looking on and on as I watch you fade away
and I don't know if I ever want to find my prince
(or frog)
if he takes me away
like yours did you.
(can you see the pain I'm suffering, alone?)

Come back to me my best friend,
closest friend,
keeper of all of my secrets
deep and dark or not
do you think your prince would ever let you come back?
(I can only wish)

As I sit in front of the gray stone,
forever marking where your body now lays
and replace the wilted flowers all I have are memories
and I pray to God above
to keep you safe and wonder if you are happy up there,
in heaven with your prince.
(Jesus)

I miss you...

Monday, June 14, 2010

With 3 Dollars

With 3 dollars you can buy
a few candy bars
and maybe a soda.

With 3 dollars you can buy
a jug of milk
or a gallon of orange juice.

With 3 dollars you can buy
a cheap book or two
at a yard sale down the street.

With 3 dollars you can buy
some pencils and a notbook
at Big Lots or Hannafords.

With 3 dollars you can buy
relief from silver razor blades
that cut your pale skin.

I had 3 dollars once and I bought
relief because I'm stupid,
my life has never been the same since.
__________________________________
i wrote this when i got home from hannafords (i had snuck out while my mom was gone and bought some razor blades to cut with)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A Reflection In Her

Sometimes there is a moment when I am looking into my younger sister's chocolate brown eyes, the parallel to my own icy blue, and I see a reflection of a younger me,
a younger child who is just learning how easy it is to take only 26 letters and form them into words and sentences, bending them to my will because I am a writer. (she is a writer)

Sometimes I look at her perfectly straight brown hair, totally different from my slightly curled red and wonder if we are really related and then she will do something that will crush the doubt from my mind. Like when she told me one day that she was confused because when everybody else in her kindergarten class couldn't read or write, but she was already writing poems and everybody made fun of her. I held her for the first time since she was a baby that day and as she cried into my shoulder I smiled. (it happened to me too)

When I look at pictures of her as a younger child if I really try and ignore the hair and eyes I can see that she isn't just some kid off the streets, she's my sister. Yesterday she came home and fought with my dad and for the first time I saw him raise his hand to hit her and I jumped in front of him and for a brief moment I saw knowledge that some old men and women could never comprehend flash there and her smile wavered. When I looked back at pictures of me around that age I realized that I too had lost my smile around them. (I don't want her to lose hers)

At night when I kiss her softly on the forehead because our parents are to drunk to care I can feel something radiating off of her skin, something that feels like happiness and innocence, slowly slipping away. (she is so much like me)

So I wonder if she will ever find relief in a knife or starve herself to be beautiful and then I silently plead to a god I don't believe in to save her and not let anything ever happen to her. (I wish she could stay this innocent forever)

For someone who looks nothing like me, on the inside we are so much alike that it makes me realize that we are sisters, no matter how different we look because on the inside we are the same....
(I just hope she doesn't have to go through what I have)

Oh dear God,
I pray tonight
that you protect my sister
and don't let this cruel world get her
because she deserves to be happy
and innocent. 

________________________________
i wrote this about my younger sister who i am always mad at in one way or another, but one day i looked at her and i saw a younger me and so i wrote this because it was just so surreal....

Thursday, June 3, 2010

In The End

i.
Six years of innocence coming to an oh-so-regretted end, destroyed by the knowledge of a new place to live and a family that is falling apart.
(this shouldn't be happening)
Nobody can see the pain in her bright blue (now dull gray) eyes, they can't seem to get through the walls she put up and the act she put on. At six years she shouldn't have to be acting, at six years she shouldn't have to hide the bruises that cover her arms and lose all the trust her once innocent mind could give.
(it's just wrong)
Watching her parents fight every night and her sisters cry in fear at the load voices that won't leave them alone. At six years she shouldn't have to be a mother.
(but she is)

ii.
Six years later, only twelve years of life have gone by, but already she has aged forty. Her dreams and reality are what many never could comprehend. She has more knowledge in her twelve year old mind that most do at sixty.
(I'd like to see them live through what she does)
Innocence has long since fled from razor blades that took her pain and dulled it into something more manageable, something that she could finally control. Friends had long since ran from her broken form,
(it is too frightening for them to comprehend)
Now all she has is her razor blades and screaming parents and the role of mother to her sisters that can't seem to understand that the cuts and scrapes on her arms aren't from their dog.
(then again, who would expect them to?)
Parents continue to scream and idolized cousins fall to anorexic demons as she falls to her own demons, screaming at her from the razor blades in her pockets. Family is falling apart and so she has nothing to fall on anymore.
(except her razor blades)

iii.
At fourteen she has already considered suicide once or twice and her razor blades have become permanently tattooed into her pale, virgin arms. Friendship and trust are just fairy tales to her.
(who could believe after what she goes through?)
Demons have taken over her life and now she is falling into them because her sisters can live without her now and she doesn't know where to turn so she starves herself hoping her father won't yell at her anymore and cuts herself to dull the pain of everyday life that she shouldn't have to even think about.
(don't you agree?)
She thought she found love once, but it turned on her like everything else in her life and she was left once again. Reality crushed her as her only happiness walked away from her with no turning back because he didn't get what it was like to really care about someone.
(little did he realize how much she needed him)

iv.
She doesn't care anymore fighting for eight years is tiring and she is giving up hope slowly because there is nobody there to catch her as she falls into the depths of your darkest imaginings. Neglected for her whole life she doesn't know how to love or trust anymore and as she fades away from this world she can hear the sirens screaming and realizes at last that there was someone the whole time who cared for her, she only had to look...
(I only had to look)

v.
Help given and now I am finally alive, and the demons have fled from the love that I never knew I could give...
(a happy ending for a sad story)
 _____________________________________
this is my sad, sad story yes... i'm a cutter. :( i have been for a long time, 2 years)

jesus i haven't posted in FOREVER!!! forgive me (although i don't know why i say that because it's not like anybody reads this blog anyway) :( sadness!!!!!!

well everything is the same as last time i posted.. meaning that life is still as boring as ever!!!!!!!!!!! next week i have finals and then..... SUMMER VACA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its pretty great :) so i prob wont be posting for awhile because i have to study, study, study!!!!!!! well then.....

BYE!