Monday, August 27, 2012

Thinking About the Future

Firstly I'm going to apologize for not posting writing in awhile, I have been busy and just haven't had the time to really sit down and write something that I actually care to share with the world [which sucks].

However, I have had a lot of time to think about a lot of things [mostly related to school and the future and other things that make me nervous]. Wednesday I start my senior year of high school and I can hardly believe that all I have is several grueling months of torturous high school and drama and classes that I don't want to take but have to in order to graduate and then I am done with high school. Forever. To be honest, that makes me a little nervous, a little scared too actually. And I've got to start applying to college/university in the next few months which basically means I have to start getting at least a little bit of an idea of what I want to do with my life.

I have no clue what I want to do. I've had so many different ideas and different things that I wanted to do, but when it comes down to it I don't know that I would actually want to do those things for my whole life. I have so many passions, so many things that make me happy and excited and fired up about life, that I don't know where to start. I want to be so many things, I want to do so many things, I want to have so many different experiences.

For a little bit I thought about going into the military, but then I decided that I didn't want to do that because I don't agree with violence. And yet, here I am, about a year later and I'm considering the military again. I don't have to be involved with the violence directly, I could do so many things that wouldn't require me to shoot people and I wouldn't have to worry about college/university or getting a job after I complete 4 years or more of schooling. But I don't know for sure if I want to do that because I don't know, even a little bit, what I want to do with my life.

It's crazy to think that in December of last year I was ready to kill myself and now I'm getting stressed about deciding what to do with my life. Almost a year later and I'm trying to decide what gets me fired up about life, what I want to do.

The only thing I know for sure that I want to do is help people and serve God [though I haven't been doing a great job lately - I've been getting kind of distant and my faith has been kind of dying, but I'm trying to get it back on track... sorta]

Well, for now I guess I should just work on getting my summer homework done before Wednesday and think about making an appointment to talk with my guidance counselor at school about college/university.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

busy, busy, busy

School starts next Wednesday and I'm kind of nervous, mostly because it is my senior year and I can't believe that I start applying to college in a few months. Its freaky. And despite school starting in only a week, I'm not done my summer homework. I still have a whole book to read and I have to take notes. I really don't want to do it, but I can't afford a zero on the first day. I want to do well in my classes this year because last year I slacked off a lot and didn't do what I should have done. It was bad.

So I am pretty busy this week; finishing summer homework, getting stuff ready for school, school shopping, and applying for a job [I have an interview tomorrow and I am so nervous]. I don't think I will be posting anything at all for the next week or so.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

weight things

I haven't posted in forever, I know. Summer got busier than I expected. It also went by pretty fast and now I only have about a week left of summer and I'm not even close to being done my summer homework. Yep, its stress out time. [and yet I am totally calm while continuing to procrastinate...]

Anyway, I thought I would do a personal post because I haven't really written much this summer and I will post what I have written sometime tomorrow I think.

So ever since freshmen year I have had this almost obsession with being skinny. I tried cutting back on calories and working out, but I just never was able to keep up with it and I never really had the drive for it like people do. Plus, I had always been a really good weight anyway. Freshmen year I was 5ft 4in and weighed around 100 pounds. I was skinny, so I didn't really worry about it. Sophomore year I had a growth spurt and ended up being around 5ft 6in and 125 pounds. I was able to maintain that weight until October of last year. Around May I went to the doctor because of my asthma and they weighed me. I was 150 pounds. 2 pounds overweight for a 5ft 8in teenage girl. It killed me.

Ever since then I have started to work harder to lose the weight. Sometimes I don't eat for a few days at a time, or I just cut down a lot. I don't like eating more than 900-1000 calories a day. I don't have an eating disorder or anything, I just want to be skinny again. I try to work out, but I find it hard to motivate myself sometimes. I really am trying to lose weight.

Recently I ran into a little wall with my weight loss; I don't have a way to know how much I actually weigh. I don't want to judge it by the fat on my body because all I see is fat and I don't want to become anorexic or anything. So I decided to get a scale. I had to do it in secret though because my parents don't want a scale in the house seeing as I have been stressing about my weight and my little sister is almost anorexic. So yesterday I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond because I found out that they were hiring and I used the excuse of bringing in my application to get permission to drive over there and I secretly bought a scale. I got home before my family [I have my license so I was driving myself] and hid it in my room. My little sister knows about it [I had to get her to help me keep my parents out of the house for long enough to get home and hide it], but she wants to use it. I'm afraid that might cause her to become anorexic, but I plan to only let her use it rarely. Personally, I plan to use it whenever I can.

When I got home I actually had the time to weigh myself.
I'm 142.5 pounds. No longer overweight, but I want to be 125 pounds again. So I'm going to work for that and now I have the motivation because I will always know my weight and won't have to wait to have a doctors appointment or go to the gym and sneak into the room where they keep a scale.