Monday, January 19, 2015

The End of a Friendship Era

So I've gotten to a point where I have a friend who I'm starting to realize is bringing me down more than she is building me up.  We've spent a lot of time together in the last few months, but after this last weekend I've started looking at our friendship and realizing that it is really toxic for me, which kind of sucks if I'm being completely honest.  The two of us have a lot of mutual friends that I'm worried will take her side if we were to have a friendship break, but I kind of need it for my mental sanity.  I love them all to pieces, but I guess I would know if they are really good friends if they understand my reasons and accept that I just can't be friends with this one person anymore.  I'm trying to get better and she is making things worse.  I'm constantly having to do things for her and work around her and I can't do that, I have other friends and I want to do other things with them, but she doesn't like them and its like I'm expected to take her side with everything and I'm honestly not on her side.  And then things kind of came to a head this weekend at a Quidditch tournament that our team went to (she is on my Quidditch team), when she spent the entire time being really flirty with the guy that I've liked on my team for the last 5ish months.  She knows that I like him and I even took her aside a few different times this last weekend asking her to stop, but she kept doing it and it really hurt.  It just feels like she was stabbing me in the back and I know she is a bit of a slut, but I didn't think she would start going for the guy I've been obviously head over heals for for months now.  When I got back earlier today I was talking about the situation with my roommate (who I love to pieces) and she was a little pissed about the situation.  She was saying how wrong it is that this friend is expecting all of these things from me and then going after the guy I've liked for awhile and was completely honest with me saying that she doesn't think this friendship is good for me.  I'm going to talk to one of this friend and I's mutual friends and explain the situation, but I honestly don't think I can do this friendship anymore.  It kind of sucks, but I need to do what's right for me.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

One step forward, two steps back.

You know that saying: "One step forward, two steps back"?  Well, that's kind of how my life feels like right now.  I don't know if it is an indication that I'm finally starting the true process of recovery because I've found people worth fighting for, or if its just because my life has always been that way, but that is how it is right now - now, more than ever.  And I'm getting to the point where I want my life to turn around, for real this time, so that I can stop taking these backwards steps whenever I'm starting to feel good again.  Today my roommates and I got pizza and I ate two slices and two breadsticks, something that is completely against my disorder and I've paid the price for it.  It felt so good going down into my stomach, to have warm food inside me, and to force myself not to care, but then I started caring again.  I can only escape my darkest parts of me for moments.  While I did not throw it up, my stomach feels so bloated and I feel like I've lost control and I know that tomorrow I'm probably not going to eat anything because I will feel so guilty for the gluttony of today.  I wonder if I will ever truly overcome these monsters that are consuming me inside.  The anxiety is getting to new levels and my moods feel all over the place.  My friends here are saying that I seem so much happier now, after returning from break, but I know that it is only momentary.  This will not last for long.  The last few days I've been able to eat, but I feel as though I'm losing control again and I'm afraid of getting fat and gaining weight.  I'm finally starting to get close to my goal weight and I just need to get there so badly.  I've never really talked on here in depth about my eating issues, but it was honestly because I didn't notice them until I was in therapy this last week and the subject was brought up.  I'd never thought that maybe my anxiety stemmed from my relationship with food that has slowly been getting worse over the years, but it makes sense.  I was sent on my way with some homework for the next week - to be more aware of how I feel around food and my thoughts while I'm eating, it has only been a few days, but I've already begun to notice a few things that I'd never noticed before.  I guess its true what they say about these things sneaking up on you gradually, you don't even notice them at first.  It is a good thing I'm noticing it now.
But, anyway, sometimes it feels like I start to make these great advances forward to only fall back farther than I was before the great advance and that terrifies me a little bit.  I want to get better, I have reasons to fight now that I didn't have before and I'm almost halfway to my basis goal of 100 days without self harm.  I think that I need to start reaching out more and letting people know that I'm not okay and that I need help.  I need to be able to build my support system little by little so that my moments of weakness can be fought through and not bring me back so far.  I have been taught to be a fighter and I guess now is the time to find out how hard I'm willing to fight.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Short Little Drabble

So next weekend there is this Quidditch tournament that my team is going to and I'm legit so terrified for it, but I'm trying not to let it show.  Inside I'm freaking out because we are going to be playing this really good team and everyone is being so negative and I feel so much pressure to do well at my position, but the guy who I usually partner with might be playing a different position and I just don't even know what to do.  Just thinking about it makes my heart pick up and I want to puke and I can't breathe.  Ugh.  I wish I could be honest with my teammates about it, but I can't.  And I just don't feel confident playing my position so that doesn't really help.  I feel like I only get playing time because I'm the only girl at my position with any experience at this point.  Rawrg.  I need more confidence.  I also need to not have such bad anxiety.  I really want to burn right now.  Like, so bad, but we are going to the beach so I can't really do it because I'll be wearing a bikini so I don't have anywhere for it to be hidden that I like to burn.  Unless I were to do it just once, but I don't have that kind of self control.  Again: rawrg.

My life is so fucked.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Ideas and Moving Out

So, last night I was up late after making the decision to drink an entire cup of tea at midnight (boy did I need to pee after that) and I had a bit of an idea.  When I was in Maine last weekend I bought a new journal at Barnes & Noble and have been trying to decide what I want to do with it and I think I've come up with an idea.  Last night when I was awake I ended up opening it and writing a poem in it after reading some post on either twitter or Facebook that was directed at one of my captains for Quidditch.  The post inspired a poem directed at that captain and I titled it "To [insert captain's name here]" - this is then where I got a bit of an idea burst and I think I'm going to do it: use this journal to write poems that are kind of like letters to members of my team.  Each poem will be directed at different members of the team and I will slowly build this journal with poetry that reflects my feelings about my teammates and friends in Quidditch.  Then, in the incident where it where to be found or read (which I really would hate), it wouldn't be as bad and then they would know how I feel.  It also would help get my thoughts off of my chest too.  I mean, I'll probably write more than just poems directed at my teammates in there, but that will be the majority of them (at least for now).  I think this will be really great for me to get my feelings off of my chest in a healthy way and not do anything super stupid.

In terms of life stuff I go back to school on Tuesday and classes start on Wednesday.  I'm looking forward to this next semester and I really hope that everything goes well.  Hopefully we will be starting up with practices right away so that I can see my teammates and interact with the captain that I still feel like things are a bit spotty with.  I need to see where we stand.  I'm excited for my classes (hopefully my textbooks will get here on time because I didn't order them until two days ago and most of them probably won't get here until Friday, which may cause issues with homework and such) and I also am hoping to be able to get a job and find an apartment with my friends.  Yep, I'm moving out to an apartment with some friends this summer and staying out in Utah for good.  There are a lot of reasons why I ended up reaching this decision, but I don't feel the need to talk about them, I'm just excited to officially move out and live on my own.  It is going to be scary, but I have faith that it is going to work out just fine.