Monday, May 2, 2016

Anger

I've been feeling angry lately and a part of me doesn't know if it is partially because I'm grieving the loss of a good friend or if I'm just angry.

You see, the other day on campus I happened to walk by a tour where a potential student was asked by the tour guide what the medallion he had on a necklace was.  It was his answer that made me angry because he was able to say that it was his year medallion that meant he had been sober for a year.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at him, how could I be?  I couldn't help but be a little proud of him, even though he was a complete stranger.  What made me mad was that I will never have that.  It has almost been a year and a half since I last cut or burned myself and there is no way for me to let anyone know.  I don't want the attention, I want the support.  I want someone to ask me what my medallion means and be able to proudly say that I have been fighting my demons, and winning, for over a year.  But I don't get that, I won't get that.  And the worst part is that I only have one person that I can text to say I've made it another year, there is only one person in my life, a person who I don't really even talk to anymore, who knows that I'm still fighting.  My mother thinks I've been free of my demons since high school because I couldn't let her know that I'd relapsed when I did because she would have made me leave college, a place where I have been changed so much.  I just wish I had a way to reach out to people and let them know that I've struggled without them being scared away, because my scars just make people run, they don't make them stop to ask how I've been.

Also, I mentioned earlier that I could be angry because its part of the grieving process, which is unfortunately true.  During some of my darkest moments and woman and her 5 sons were there for me and the oldest son was killed in a car accident a week ago.  I know it will hurt for a long time and I'm trying to make it through by myself because I don't feel like I have the right to grieve.  I feel like only the family can grieve and that nobody else has a real reason.  And I know that this isn't true, but it is how I feel and how I've always felt.  When a friend of mine was killed in an accident a year ago I only let myself cry once and when one of my best friends' mom died last Thanksgiving I only shed a few tears even though I had loved her dearly.  I guess I just don't ever think I have a right to miss people unless I'm related to them and I know that is awful and unfair to myself, but it is true.