Thursday, December 25, 2014

He has ruined me

He has ruined me.

there was once a time when I did not know
what the difference between being 
"in like" with someone and "in love" with someone was,
but now I do 
and I wish I didn't because being in love
hurts so much more than being in like. 
everything is so much more different now,
since the day that we first met and 
I thought him attractive -
at first - 
not knowing what I was getting myself into
as I slowly began to know him
and slowly began to learn what love means
at the same time that I began to experience 
what it is really like to feel so overwhelmed by a person
who is merely whelmed by you.
when his best friend told me that I was sure
to experience heart break someday 
I did not believe him
because I did not know that it was possible 
for a heart to fall for another without the other knowing
and that mistranslation is what ended up ruining me -
I did not know that it was going to be between us
or with him 
because I was misguided by a heart speaking the wrong language:
the language of being in like instead of the language of being in love. 
and now I know what it is like to be ruined 
by someone who does not know,
his best friend was right all along
without either of us truly knowing 
and now I deserve an "I told you so" 
because I accidentally got my heart broken
by not knowing what love truly was. 

He has ruined me.

I cannot hear his name without thinking about him,
even when it is someone else who happens to share
the same arrangement of letters 
because just the sound of that name 
makes my heart jump and my lungs pause,
I will never be able to hear that name without
thinking of him.
I cannot sleep without remembering the time
we slept curled up next to each other on a floor
because we were snowed in at someone else's house - 
my bed feels empty without him in it 
and I can't fully feel warm at night 
without him beside me.
I cannot wake up in the morning without remembering
pushing my face into his chest 
as my nose filled with the smell of his morning breath
and I still can faintly remember the sound of his beating heart
underneath his t-shirt. 
I cannot go on Facebook or Twitter without 
subliminally hoping to get a notification from him
and in the off chance that I do,
my smile doesn't fade away for hours 
because I cannot experience life without him in it
and I cannot imagine life without him in it
and I cannot stand the idea of him not being in it,
but we fought and I got angry and now I cannot talk to him 
in the way that we used to because everything is tense.
I cannot eat or sleep without my thoughts being filled with him
and I cannot help but regret messing everything up
because I cannot convince my heart to stop beating 
in the rhythm that it matched that day 
I snuggled my head into his chest when we woke up that morning
and his morning breath filled my nostrils. 

He has ruined me, 
and I now know the true meaning of being in love 
as he walks away and my heart

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