Sunday, January 6, 2013

and i love you, but you don't know

i wonder if you would be mad if i shot you with
cupid's arrow because i just love you so fucking much and i know that 
you would never ever in a million years love me that much
back and you would never ever hold my hand or kiss my lips, you would
never ever look me in the eyes and bring me close with your arms
wrapped around my waist to show me that you care when i want to cry
because you will never know what i'm like when i'm sad and you will never
be close enough to me to care about me and to pick up on the signs.
we spend our time together laughing and making jokes, we talk
about practice and the team and spanish class,
but we never talk about the things i want to talk about, we never
speak about the fact that i fucking love you because you don't know
that i am laying on the floor with my heart cut wide open,
waiting for you to pour your love right back into it and fill in the empty spaces
i have reserved just for you.
so i wonder if you can see that i am waiting for you
or, maybe, you can see and you don't want to love me back or don't know how.
baby, if you don't know how then i would be more than happy to teach you
and if you don't love me back that is okay too because i am used to loving
too much and not being loved back, i am used to people not caring about me
in the ways that i wish they would, and so i would not be mad at you for not
loving me back - i would just have to teach myself how to not love you either
and if you just can't see that i love you then tell me how i can tell you without
scaring you away from this girl who is waiting for you to fill her heart and kiss her
scars (and lips and face and neck and everywhere else) and draw her close with
your strong arms to show her that you care.
but i'm also afraid that if you find out that i love you that maybe you wil hate me for it
because who can love me?
i have yet to meet someone who can.

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