I've spent ages & ages trying & trying to feel like I belong
& every time I do
I always mess it up
like a child playing with play-dough when they figure;
this looks bad
except for them it is innocent destruction of something
they wanted to destroy
& they could care less,
but for me it is on purpose
because I fear the confrontation
& inexperience of my almost 15 years
that I try to hide behind knowledge of material things
& not things that matter
like relationships & love & laughter & freedom & life.
I pulled away from my would-be first kiss
'cause I thought that I would somehow do it wrong
& he wouldn't want me anymore
'cause I've never kissed (or been kissed) before,
& I skipped out of shopping with my "sista from anotha mista"
'cause I was afraid of her realizing
that I've never shopped before
'cause I was too caught up studying & reading & writing
about everything I didn't understand.
I've experienced love once or twice
& fled because I didn't understand this feeling,
short of breath & heart pounding & mind swirling
& I shut myself off & pretended that I didn't care that
nobody liked me anymore
'cause I was just a stuck up bitch
(or seemed to be.)
I flee from things I don't understand
& it prevents me from living a life fulfilled
with love & laughter & happiness
& I sometimes secretly wish that I could erase time
& go back to middle school where I first shut myself away,
holed up in my little shell.
If only someone would pry inside
& open me up to see the person I really am,
a girl afraid of things unknown
& wishing I could be brave enough to try.
i'm not going to say why i wrote this because truthfully i don't really know, it just kinda popped into my head. (it is true though) i wanted to take a moment to blog about my life and give thanks to Feather for the shout out she gave me, made me feel so loved <3
and now for a blog about the happenings in my life, which i haven't done for awhile (well, ever)....
so today i hung out with my best friend Anna and it was sooo much fun!!! we played LIFE (the board game) and then went on some errands with her mom and shopped a little. it was really funny cause we were checking out and she reached in her pocket and remembered that she left her money in the car :) luckily her little sister Sarah was there and able to pay for her and then Anna paid her back.
i was supposed to go to this end-of-summer swim banquet, but it was raining and i figured that it had been canceled and so hung out with Anna longer and when we drove by the pool i saw that it hadn't been called off and i was like; "shoot, they're going to kill me" but i've been on the team for 5 years now and doubt they would be too mad :) (i hope) haha
well off to watch tv with my dad while my mom and youngest sister (Abi) are coming back from New York (they were bringing my other little sister, Bri, to her friend, Emma's, house and she's spending the week there-yay!!!! only one little sister to deal with!!!!!) really excited cause i'm babysitting Noah, the CUTEST child EVER on thursday :) can't wait!!!!
bye bye blog readers :)
PS- who else LOVES the new background????