Destruction of the Unknown

I've spent ages & ages trying & trying to feel like I belong
& every time I do
I always mess it up
like a child playing with play-dough when they figure;
this looks bad
except for them it is innocent destruction of something
they wanted to destroy
& they could care less,
but for me it is on purpose
because I fear the confrontation
& inexperience of my almost 15 years
that I try to hide behind knowledge of material things
& not things that matter
like relationships & love & laughter & freedom & life.

I pulled away from my would-be first kiss
'cause I thought that I would somehow do it wrong
& he wouldn't want me anymore
'cause I've never kissed (or been kissed) before,
& I skipped out of shopping with my "sista from anotha mista"
'cause I was afraid of her realizing
that I've never shopped before
'cause I was too caught up studying & reading & writing
about everything I didn't understand.

I've experienced love once or twice
& fled because I didn't understand this feeling,
short of breath & heart pounding & mind swirling
& I shut myself off & pretended that I didn't care that
nobody liked me anymore
'cause I was just a stuck up bitch
(or seemed to be.)

I flee from things I don't understand
& it prevents me from living a life fulfilled
with love & laughter & happiness
& I sometimes secretly wish that I could erase time
& go back to middle school where I first shut myself away,
holed up in my little shell.

If only someone would pry inside
& open me up to see the person I really am,
a girl afraid of things unknown
& wishing I could be brave enough to try. 
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