Monday, August 16, 2010

What I Don't Know

You don't want me anymore
(if you ever wanted me),
I'm not as stupid as you think I am,
give me some credit,
I can see through these thin paper excuses
why you couldn't call or email or message me
about the team hanging out,
I can see that you didn't want me there
because nobody seems to want me anymore.
I know you're lying because my number isn't unknown,
you know it because I gave it to you
& you have my email,
I gave that to you too
& we are friends on facebook because
you added me,
when we were friends still,
before the rumors & lies reached you
& before you grew to realize that nobody wants me around,
the maniac ginger who cuts herself.
I know what it's like to be friendless

My family doesn't want me around either,
I can't say I'm surprised.
I'm not deaf ya know,
I can hear them talking about me at night
& when I try to spend time with my mom
she smiles & says she can't wait to spend time with her oldest
& then when she goes downstairs to my father I can hear her say;
"I don't want her to come,
I don't want her with me."
It's almost like she "forgets" that there is a vent downstairs that connects to my room upstairs & I can hear every word.
My dad doesn't even attempt to hide it,
constantly saying I'm worthless & stupid
& will never amount to anything because nobody wants me;
the annoying, talkative, somewhat bipolar kid
with mood swings that swing higher than playground swings.
I know what it's like to be hated by my family

God doesn't want me either,
even though they say in church that He loves everyone,
I can tell them one person he doesn't want with Him in Heaven
(if He or Heaven even exist)
I try to do as the Bible says & I obey every command,
but it never works out & I'm always blamed by my fellow
who scorn my for my scars & chaotic thinking & hate me.
like everyone else.
I know what it's like to not be loved by a "loving" God

I know hate & disgust & friendless weekends & a loveless life,
what I don't know is why I still try.

(& people wonder why I cut & am so damn messed up)
this is one of my more depressing pieces, which u should start to expect more of in the next few weeks as i have relapsed back into cutting after not for about 2 solid months :( and it pissed me off that i went back to the blade and my writing tends to reflect my moods which right now are pissed, sad, depressed, and just lonely<--- (first 2 stanzas of this poem explain why)


1 comment:

Feather said...

Oh honey, things will get better. It's really hard to go a long time without cutting and then relapse back into it. i went almost an entire year. 364 days. But it's so easy to begin again. But i'm "better", or getting better. Been about 6 months. Dan helps alot. He holds me when i cry and doesn't mind if i call him at 3 am in tears, not being able to form cohesive sentences and screaming from the dreams i've had. But still, i'm getting better. Giving up cutting is like giving up drugs, or smoking. Cutting releases endorphines that make you feel good, similar to drugs or smoking. You crave it. It makes you feel better. But you just need to say no. Sometimes you will give in. But try. That's all you can do. I know what it's like to feel like everyone hates you, to feel like the lonliest person on earth, and that even God doesn't like you. But God of all people love you, as do your friends and family. They're just scared. Hang in there.
Feather xx