You don't want me anymore
(if you ever wanted me),
I'm not as stupid as you think I am,
give me some credit,
I can see through these thin paper excuses
why you couldn't call or email or message me
about the team hanging out,
I can see that you didn't want me there
because nobody seems to want me anymore.
I know you're lying because my number isn't unknown,
you know it because I gave it to you
& you have my email,
I gave that to you too
& we are friends on facebook because
you added me,
when we were friends still,
before the rumors & lies reached you
& before you grew to realize that nobody wants me around,
the maniac ginger who cuts herself.
I know what it's like to be friendless
My family doesn't want me around either,
I can't say I'm surprised.
I'm not deaf ya know,
I can hear them talking about me at night
& when I try to spend time with my mom
she smiles & says she can't wait to spend time with her oldest
& then when she goes downstairs to my father I can hear her say;
"I don't want her to come,
I don't want her with me."
It's almost like she "forgets" that there is a vent downstairs that connects to my room upstairs & I can hear every word.
My dad doesn't even attempt to hide it,
constantly saying I'm worthless & stupid
& will never amount to anything because nobody wants me;
the annoying, talkative, somewhat bipolar kid
with mood swings that swing higher than playground swings.
I know what it's like to be hated by my family
God doesn't want me either,
even though they say in church that He loves everyone,
I can tell them one person he doesn't want with Him in Heaven
(if He or Heaven even exist)
I try to do as the Bible says & I obey every command,
but it never works out & I'm always blamed by my fellow
who scorn my for my scars & chaotic thinking & hate me.
like everyone else.
I know what it's like to not be loved by a "loving" God
I know hate & disgust & friendless weekends & a loveless life,
what I don't know is why I still try.
(& people wonder why I cut & am so damn messed up)
this is one of my more depressing pieces, which u should start to expect more of in the next few weeks as i have relapsed back into cutting after not for about 2 solid months :( and it pissed me off that i went back to the blade and my writing tends to reflect my moods which right now are pissed, sad, depressed, and just lonely<--- (first 2 stanzas of this poem explain why)