Wednesday, November 30, 2011

a look into my insanity

so I'm gonna be straight with you guys, even though I don't know if anyone actually reads my blog anymore anyway, but whatever. I need to get this off of my chest, I need to tell the truth.

I didn't cut for 5 months [I know, I couldn't believe it, it seemed to good to be true. it was.] and then I broke down and started up again. my tumblr for the last month and a half has basically been all about the fact that I think I am ugly, fat, worthless, alone, I don't let the good thoughts into my head. When someone tells me that they think I'm beautiful or that they think I'm amazing, smart, any compliment they give me I immediately think is a lie, same with when someone tells me that they love me. I let all of the bad stuff in, but I won't let the good stuff get past my ears or my eyes and that is really bad.
I know it is.
And so I was cutting and then, somehow, I stopped. It was great, I didn't have to worry about scars and new cuts anymore, I didn't have to hide. I was getting better. I didn't need depression meds and I went to a counselor every other, sometimes every, wednesday. Life was good, but I was still in pain. Just because everything seemed okay didn't mean that I was okay on the inside. I was just pretending, everything internally was still the same. I still didn't trust, I never spoke to my counselor about anything really personal, and I still wouldn't let anything good inside.

So after 5 months I gave up and started cutting again.
I stopped trying.
I stopped living.
I gave up.

And I got caught and told on, but I lied my way out of it and ended up not going to inpatient therapy for it and I convinced everyone that everything was fine. It wasn't. I was still cutting, but hiding it better than I had before. I did it [do it] on parts of my body that are not seen and almost all of my cuts are deep and bleed a lot.
I even passed out after cutting on Thanksgiving.
That is how bad it is now.

I have given up trying at this point. I'm so fucked up inside and I will never be able to let anyone in to help me. Ever.
I wrote a suicide letter a few days ago and I look at it a lot. I really have been thinking about that recently. I have been thinking about killing myself and everyday it seems like a better and better idea, but at the same time I am afraid that I will mess up my little sister's for life.
How am I supposed to know who would find me?
And there are these 4 brothers who I am really close to and they are like brothers to me and I was talking to their mom who told me that it would kill them if I killed myself and I would hate myself for doing that to them, but at the same time I think that the world would be so much better without me.

Well, that's my little "what's been happening" segment. Sorry its so goddamn depressing.

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