how many times do I need to say sorry for you to forgive me?

your words make it seem like we are ok,
but your actions tell me a different story
and i don't know what it is i need to do for you
to forgive me,
i can only say "i'm sorry" so many times
before my brain takes over and i give up.
the jokes have faded and conversations seem
filled to the brim with anger and hurt
because i fucked up again and this time
the one person who i felt might care
was the one to get hurt.

and now it hurts me to no end.

i'm doing all i can to mend this friendship
we once had,
but sometimes things become too broken
for fixing and i fear that is what i've done
because i lashed out when i should have held it
inside.
there are some days when my brain refuses to work
and when the darkness becomes so consuming
that i can't help but curl up into a ball,
i look for that little light that i thought
you might be.

i fucked up.
again

of course i would lash out at the one i care deeply for
because isn't that the way things always go?
and i don't know how to fix this and make it better,
i don't know how to apologize and start over,
i don't know how many times i have to say sorry
for us to be what we were before