Alcoholic in Reverse

I'm like an alcoholic but my addiction is in the reverse

because instead of emptying bottles

I spill them down my pale white arms 

and the liquid isn't made by anyone but me,

instead of being clear alcohol it is thick and muddy red. 

My purple veins that twine themselves underneath 

skin stretched across bone

are the bottles for the liquid I crave 

and my addiction is to shattering those bottles

so that I can see their contents 

spill out on the floor 

as my vision fades to black. 

Black outs bring mornings filled with regrets,

not from forgotten memories -

because there is nothing that can be forgot - 

but from not shattering enough bottles

and keeping too much liquid inside me 

so that my eyelids slowly open 

instead of staying closed.  

Like an alcoholic I crave that liquid,

wanting to drown myself in that muddy red 

by releasing it from fragile bottles 

stacked on top of brittle bones. 

They say that they don't understand my addiction

because they don't know how someone can reverse alcoholism

on their own bodies - 

they don't realize how it is the same -

I want to forget everything and fade away:

my liquid of choice is merely spilt across pale white skin

instead of emptied from bottles into empty stomachs.