Sunday, June 10, 2012


there is this thing, you see, this thing
that makes your heart stop and your words get stuck and your stomach
drops into the depths of a black hole and your lungs forget to breathe and you
can't seem to stand upright and everything feels like it has been dropped on your
shoulders and you feel like you may just puke up your tiny little lunch
and it's called
and it sucks.
because you can't give award winning speaches and the thought of
being with large groups of people makes you hyperventilate and you
can't tell anyone, you can't admit that you can't seem to function
in social situations or when you have to go
stand in a bathroom stall and somehow remember how to breathe for
ten minutes too long.
you see, i've got this little thing that makes it impossible to eat
at a friend's house or go to parties or stand in front of a crowd or travel
in any car other than one with my family
and it's called
and i pretend that everything is fine when my stomach is
dropping and i think i might puke and i don't know if i can handle it.
sometimes i even try to pretend that i am normal and maybe that is why
i don't tell anyone that i can't seem to function like a normal human being
because i don't like admitting weakness and i feel so weak.
so when i go travel with my friend and her family tomorrow
i'm going to pretend that my stomach isn't dropping and i have momentarily
fogotten how to breathe and hope and pray that it isn't so bad
that i actually DO puke and admit my weakness, my secret disease

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