anxiety

there is this thing, you see, this thing

that makes your heart stop and your words get stuck and your stomach

drops into the depths of a black hole and your lungs forget to breathe and you

can't seem to stand upright and everything feels like it has been dropped on your

shoulders and you feel like you may just puke up your tiny little lunch

and it's called

 

anxiety.

 

and it sucks.

because you can't give award winning speaches and the thought of

being with large groups of people makes you hyperventilate and you

can't tell anyone, you can't admit that you can't seem to function

in social situations or when you have to go

stand in a bathroom stall and somehow remember how to breathe for

ten minutes too long.

 

you see, i've got this little thing that makes it impossible to eat

at a friend's house or go to parties or stand in front of a crowd or travel

in any car other than one with my family

and it's called

 

anxiety.

 

and i pretend that everything is fine when my stomach is

dropping and i think i might puke and i don't know if i can handle it.

sometimes i even try to pretend that i am normal and maybe that is why

i don't tell anyone that i can't seem to function like a normal human being

because i don't like admitting weakness and i feel so weak.

so when i go travel with my friend and her family tomorrow

i'm going to pretend that my stomach isn't dropping and i have momentarily

fogotten how to breathe and hope and pray that it isn't so bad

that i actually DO puke and admit my weakness, my secret disease

 

anxiety.